Another Letter. Another October.

11/oct/05
0934p

I can't seem to get Haley's song out of my head (from season of 2, OTH)
October's here. The leaves have come and gone. One more year has come.

Time flew before me. Again.
Unfortunately so, it didnt take along with it some memories of the past. It didn't entirely cut me off the strings that connect now and... yesTEARdays. I got a very unforgiving invite last weekend to go to this bar. An invite i effortlessly refused. What's the point of driving myself to a place away from home only to tear my heart open again? In the first place, he left it out there anyway. Now that i got it back again, there is no way i'm going to let him crawl his way back into it. No amount of alcohol in his bar could make me forget. No valid reason will ever amount to a plausible excuse for me to go see that place, let alone the owner who happens to be the biggest JERK i know.

I heard someone say once, there is only one opening in the heart that lets you fall in love again. Unfortunately, it's the same opening that leads you to the very part where you were hurt and broken. Last weekend, i found that familiar place. Once again, i came to terms with the anger, the frustration and the regret. Just when i thought everything has settled down good, one lousy text churned everything up once more. It didn't take another Pandora's box to let all the evil feelings out. It didn't have to go farther than my chin down, and there they all were. I did get my heart back a long time ago... but i forgot to let go of the pain.

I just wanna wake up one morning NOT feeling anything for him. Not even anger. I know in my heart though, it never happens that way. But i guess i can go on waking up to a brand new day more grateful, that i am not married to this man; more hopeful, that another man will make it worth falling in love again. They say it's never worth losing someone you love. I say, it's never worth loving someone you lost.

October's here. The leaves have come and gone. One more year has come.
Nothing's changed at all.

Not entirely though. I am mad at myself this time. For hurting again.
One day... when tables turn and the mess you caused other people haunts you back and penetrates the soul that you seemingly lost, it's gonna hurt more.

More than this.
And the saddest part is when you realize, that even with your own company, your own bar, or even your slutty wife (which due to limited vocabulary, you call 'gorgeous' and brag about) ... along with all the riches you can possibly have, you still are WORTHLESS.

My nightmare ends when hers begins.
And that's just about the same time you left. For her.
Now, i'm just happy being awake.