Better Letter... than NEVER

25/oct/05
0718p

It was him all along.
My suspect.

After almost 2 weeks of storming heaven, after exhausting all benefits of doubt... HE CONFESSED. I have to admit i went through a really difficult time lately. How difficult? Well here's letting you in...

I cannot stand pitch black dark areas. I can barely walk straight to and from the bathroom along the dim hallways of our office building. I can hardly breathe everytime i enter the village during midnight shifts. I wake up to the sound of footsteps or mere rustling of leaves at night. I lost my peace. Just like that.

Migs was first to volunteer to drive me home right after what happened. I declined. I know i can be stubborn at times but i had a reason this time. I know in my heart i had to brave my trips home just the same; that i have to eventually do it on my own so i might as well start NOW. It was probably one of the hardest things i ever had to do. Face my fears with eyes wide open and rosary cupped in my hand any given conscious time. Kuya bebot and his team of tanods made sure i was given the heads up everytime i would enter the village. JR with the rest of the Antipolo Police Team of Mobile 2 would text me EVERY night to check if i've reached home safely. These were of course apart from those times i had to be escorted from Antipolo City proper all the way to my house. Paolo would always remind me whenever he'd see me leave the house, "Stay away from robbers, tita!" My mom and dad will never sleep until i am finally inside the house, in one whole flesh - still shaken or otherwise. Ate Maco has been calling us more often just so she hears our voices and is assured that we are okay. Trisha heard mass for our intention. Ai and Charry had to consult their dads (retired AFP and Air Force Officials) for any substantial advise thay can give me. Ricky of PNP and Arpee (the designated lawyer, Nina thanks for lending me your hubby!) as my constant confidantes also provided me with my much needed boost. Nana shared my fears. My officemates provided me with daily comfort. Mom and Dad initially wanted me to find a place in makati. That was a no-brainer on my part. What's the point of living alone in peace when your leave your loved ones at risk? Ting even had to wait for me one friday evening to give me an extra room in their house just so i didn't have to go home. Yvette did remarkably the same. Without reservations. NO BUTs. As embarassing as i had to admit how afraid i was, i had to rely on these people to help me conquer my fears.

I talked to all my suspects the weekend after the incident, until i narrowed it down to HIM. I talked to him last. It was a much more difficult moment, having to sit beside the man who i knew attacked me and listen to him, stare at his face as he dredged up all the pretenses he could in order to lie to me and disclaim the allegation. I gave him a chance. He chose to stand by his lies while the tambayan stands no more.

A week later, i went ahead and sought the help of brgy captain Leony Leyva. very authoritative yet approachable in a way. He personally called me into his office and promised this would be resolved in the soonest time. The following day, they sent a summon to my suspect. That same weekend, he confessed to my godbrother. The case was already filed. I have respect for the law and hence, i knew that the best venue for reconciliation is at the 1st arraignment.

He showed up today. No bonnet or tshirt to mask his face. No bare feet to disguise or silence his arrival. He was right there, humbled by the summon and embarrased by his own wrongdoing. I felt angry in the beginning. As i tried to collect myself together, the anger translated to pity. Here was a man, a neighbor, almost a friend... who resorted to a desperate attempt to rob me off what i had that night... anything for easy money, or perhaps anything to satisfy his momentary 'trip.'

A lot of people suggested i demand that he goes to joil. A friend even emphasized he is old enough to 'change.' I was indecently and blantantly proposed to have him killed. All these suggestions sounded so complicated to me. Little did everyone know, my bargain with the BIG BOSS above was simple. HAVE HIM CONFESS AND ADMIT TO THE CRIME, AND I WILL FORGIVE. Some people will brand me an idiot for settling with this decision. I didnt know my way through this dark tunnel since day1. All i asked for Big Boss to do was to guide me through HIS plan because i'd like to believe there is a purpose for all these. A reason i may never learn to understand. A purpose i may have to remember along with all the fears that surfaced during this entire difficult time. Everything seemed like a jigzaw puzzle. One piece after the other... without exactly knowing what the whole picture was. I just knew and felt in my heart that i had to somehow lift every piece of it and DEAL with the mess.

Before i slept last night, my last thought was....

"If i send him to jail (and law enforcers actually said I COULD!) a few months later, a man perhaps of greater remorse to life and fate all in all will emerge as either one of 2 things - as someone who would like to correct his ways, or as someone who will turn tables around once more and do worse." For whatever purpose, it will serve him right to be locked in a cell somehow.

I woke up this morning with ONE firm decision.
As fury raged through my blood vessels at the sight of the man who almost deprived me of my peace of mind; who made me hate having to go through dark areas which never bothered me in the past; who almost took away my right to living in peace.... i was suddenly pacified by the thought that turned it all around.

As it was perhaps the easiest thing to do for this man to steal and raise all the living daylight out of me at stake, it was the hardest thing for me to play dumb and pretend i could once more brave the roads that lead to the very place i call HOME. This morning, I saw him walk outside the village and present himself at the hearing, calling himself GUILTY of the crime. As it proves to be such a huge humbling experience to have to look into my eyes and say while squirming "Sorry thea. sobrang bait mo sa amin, sa akin. Kaya sobrang sisi ko kinabukasan. Sorry po Ate Mila (my mom), nagawa ko yon," and to actually hear with your own ears my words which came out bravely:

"Hindi lahat ng tao magiging mabait sa yo. Do not make me regret the decision of forgiving you, because if anything happens again to me, my family and our neighbors, I will re-open this case in court and send you either back to your province or to jail."

I still don't know why he did what he did. if he was high on something, he was certainly low on moral judgment. I have not the slightest idea what he is going through that made him do the unimaginable. I do know that while it was the hardest for him to come out in the open and accept whatever justice was due him; to marinate himself in tears and shame, admitting pen-on-paper what he did and agreeing to "amicable terms," lucky enough for this man... it was easiest for me to forgive.

I have respect for the law.
I have however, greater faith in what ONLY THE FATHER KNOWS.
My dad is the funniest and silliest character in the house but what he said once struck me most. "Fear is a manifestation of one's lack of FAITH."

Out of the hundreds and thousands of criminals we send to jail everyday, how many comes out a repented man? i wonder.

OUR LIVES. In HIS Hands.
No matter what or who is out there.