Hanging by a Moment.... then 2006!

31/dec/05
0941a

A NEW year always brings me a population of emotions. As it unfolds every minute by seconds, i find it ironic to be facing a brand new set of 12 months with memories of what i am TRYING to leave behind. Just when something new is about to begin, there are certain things that just have to end. Beginnings and endings.... once again, i am at that point.

I dream about waking up to a new day, feeling like i've never lived before. Just as my new journal says... when was the last time you did something for the first time? It makes me think. Tita carmen said i'm in my 7th year this 2006 -- my spiritual year. A time when i have to ponder on whether i'm in the right place or if i'm the exact person i wanna be. Somehow deep down, i know i have the answer. When there's still the slightest signs of being hurt, i know i'm not quite THERE yet. Everyday this year 2005 (i'm writing this on the last day of the year!) , has been a struggle. I am not the first person to deny it. A tug-of-war between clinging on to what's comfortable and moving on... until the very people i cry to became my very reason to cry. Everyday seemingly brought not a promise of better things to come, but of people and circumstances to be afraid of, to be standing up against. While i was nursing my own wounds, i had to stand up just the same and nurse some others. While the wounds were just about to dry up, along came reasons to bleed some more. In so many ways, 2005 has been a difficult year.

Penny, was very sweet to write me a letter... just when i needed it most. Who would have thought an old friend would remember? (i hope you don't mind... it's just too nice to be kept in my inbox...)

sometimes i look back to the time we've met,
the time when i saw you and just thought you were nice.
when i just thought that because of all my defense> mechanisms, my male upbringing and all my penny-isms, it would be so hard for me to get close to you. to really know you.
for me to be your friend... and of course I WAS WRONG... as hard for me to know and to be friends with any female, you made it easy.
you made me realize that a "gurl fwend " is not a foe. but someone whom you could go shopping with, whom you can laugh with and cry with (of course!)
you made me realize what a true friend should be. when i think back to one of the best times of my life, i always think of you.
how you took care of me when im down and out, your precious words and optimism that kept me from breaking down,
the strength that you've shown me when you were being attacked, physically and emotionally.
i miss you so much my BIG B!
sometimes i wish to GOD that HE could give you everything that you asked for. for you have a good heart and you have been good to all the people you meet. may it be for 5 minutes or for a lifetime...
i wish to GOD that HE would hurry up and give you the person that you truly deserve. i love you girl and hope we could have coffee (or tea!) sometime soon.. and thanks for everything!
i'll always be here...

she has no idea (yet?). I was feeling lost all along. Somehow in that letter... i found my old self again. briefly so, but in the most powerful way. I guess sometimes, life sneaks up on you, only in a good way. i am not saying that my storms are over (who am i fooling, right?) but when someone makes her presence felt in your life, sometimes, it's more than enough. Who knows what else is in store this 2006. Many of us dismiss reality by saying it can only be better, but who knows when? Before we all get to that point when things are actually better... your boyfriend will cheat on you; your mom will still NOT understand; your boss will screw you; your bills will get to you long before your payslip ever will. Your car will break down just when you've made an overdue over-the-limit payment to your credit card. Your heart will break again, just when you thought you've finally met the one. Nobody said it was easy. We all just have to wake up believing it will be better today. If not, well certainly... it won't be something you can't put up with.

When we're confused, it's hard to find peace. For the same reason, i was troubled for a long time this last quarter. Just when the hoping started to recover the best of me, hell broke loose. I once thought life was very unfair, to good people most of all. Not that i am claiming to be a saint... my "sisters" should be laughing by now... ;) then again, if we don't go through something awful at a certain time, how will we learn to be hopeful? If we don't get our hearts broken, what else is there to fix? If we don't find a reason to cry, then how will we ever appreciate stumbling upon a good reason to smile. If we don't get wounded in a fight, when will we know how to heal and recover. If we don't get in a fight with a friend, how do we know the feeling of being "relieved" when we make amends? The question is the answer in itself. So you see, there is no harm in asking. Because once we beat the guts in ourselves to ASK, it's a sign.. that you are also brave enough to know the truth. It might sting. It might hurt... It may not be the answer you expected... but it will RELIEVE you. Take it from someone who's gone through all that at the worst time of her life.

2006. There are no guarantees that life, or love will be your fairy tale. But i dare you to live it the bravest way you can because even when your strength fades out in the middle of whatever battle... it is remotely impossible... that you will be alone. If you never try...

You'll never know.
Then if you know you've tried hard enough and you still don't understand. It's alright.


God will explain.