Beginnings to Endings...and the LETTERS in BETWEEN

What do you 'PINK!?'

2006-08-16T20:29:00.000+08:00

Picture 010
Originally uploaded by theagirl.

apparently... for the love of Betchang. oiiist!

Sooner or 'Letter'... i gotta see them!

2006-08-15T23:06:00.000+08:00

Picture 009
Originally uploaded by theagirl.

L-R: aimee, ting, me, yvette, jason and aids.
August 13, 2006
Grilla Antipolo

Sooner or "Letter...'

2006-08-15T21:07:00.000+08:00

15/aug/2006

Last sunday, 13th of August my antipolo girl best friends and i decided to get together after, well... let's just say it's been close to ages! Since i owe aids a lot of next-time-soon-and-one-of-these-days promises, we also decided to extend the invite to him. Dinner at old spaghetti house with old friends for old times sake. Oh, i don't have to emphasize the word OLD, do i?

Picked up by the only PINK thing in this world that i'd actually call 'hot,' because Yvette drives it, I was actually teased and tortured over the thought that i'd have to ride her pink jazz. Not that i mind really! (there's always (an) exception(s) to the rule... this car and yes my pretty godchildren!) Kascade providing us with estrogen-boosting-feet-tapping tunes, we went non-stop on updates and stories to tell. Ghaad! I missed these girls. I missed 'US' sooo much. You know that feeling when you're in the company of your REAL friends and that's when you realize most how much you've missed them? It's the next best thing to being HOME (and the next best alternative to triple layer of molten chocolate cake with caramel syrup oozing from the core. Could i be more graphic of this emotion?

When we got to spaghetti house, there were 3 foreigners inside. a couple and an american who were casually having good conversation over good food. The surprise? One of them, who turns out to be a tourist visiting the couple, stood up with a camera in his grip. So being naturally prophetic (!?!?) hahaha, i asked if he wanted us to take their picture (hey! i know how it feels to be a tourist so i thought it was my turn to do the favor!) Incidentally, he wanted to take a picture of us girls!!! what a funny thing! Yvette smart-alecked our supposed way out of the favor by saying "only if u have a Kodak camera!" (yes call it for-the-love-of-her-job!) The other lady said wittingly, "I have one, does that count?!" I just loved the banter there. We did give in to the favor. I just had to transcribe this. let it be known today that it was supposed to be a wholesome shot. If we do land in some internet site for not-so-kids, we never signed for it ok? tee-hee. the waiter, dennis said the hubby and wife are residents of Valley Golf who worked for a religious group so that itself should indicate their visitor is of good moral standing right? (or he's up for renewal?) maybe he just wanted take a keepsake of the locals...or as we teased each other, the 'aborigines?' Hmmm, but we're too kikay to be all that!

Anyway, the whole sunday thing was a revelation of so many things to me so here's my usual-and-trivial-feel-good-self sharing that might hit a nerve out there just the same.

It is true that we often meet people by chance. They become our FRIENDS by choice. We sometimes don't make the best of choices in life. Thus, you have friends who make you feel the 'empowered woman' in you or those who bring out the flawed person that you are. Even for the latter, true friends will love you for being 'human.' I don't see these people as often as my credit card bill, but when i do at any given blessed chance, it's worth the long wait, and the distance. They never cost you a thing.

It's been almost 2 years. Aids dated the gap well... Digicams and inches off or onto our girth aside, i was overwhelmed with stories of old and new. Beneath all that, it was easy to find a population of reasons why they became my friends and why they still ARE. We're never made perfect. Some of them have strayed away at one point or another. We have lost touch for months and some even decided to take a detour on their own. In the end, when you see how much you've been spared from, you find a forgiving heart and that alone fills up the gap. Now it makes me wonder, when some of us claim to be 'blessed' and we escalate emotions to prayers of gratitude... how can we leave those small spaces for bitterness and let them eat the best of us and the sincerity that's left of our hearts? When we say we're doing well, how can we not forgive those who are on the less greener side of the fence? It is not always what we see or how we feel that make up God's plan. However, when you are in the company of true friends who are just but another person to someone else, that alone is a blessing, and the friendship that surpassed those 'ages'... always a miracle.

Life unfolds a multitude of faith-altering experiences. In the end, i know i don't get to keep everyone in my life. However, nothing changes the fact that he.. (or she) has been part of your life. Who you keep for the rest of your life however, is again, a tough choice to make. In my friendships, there is no use for words, for even in silence, they know who they are. To those others who are merely 'instrumental' thank you for showing me who i really am.

Bechang, you make me proud everytime i see you. Ting, here or abroad, we' ll find our places soon. Aids, you are one good reason why trying is always worth it. Aims, you always are patient and kind... are you sure you're not related to love? (my humor sucks!) Jason, good luck.

We all deserve to lead a good life. With friends like those i have, i know i am living it.

Late Cargo on Palawan

2006-08-14T19:51:00.000+08:00

arrival at Honda Bay!

Pls click on my flicker page on the lower right side of this blog for uploaded Palawan pics. Thanks!

Palawan

2006-08-09T21:33:00.000+08:00

09/aug/06
2155H

Last July, aimee was kind enough to invite me to join her and colleagues from PR for a quick breather in Puerto Prinsesa. I must say, i didn't really feel excited about the idea in the beginning but just to break the monotony in my daily routine, i said yes 'without thinking.' I didn't even ask where we're goin, where we'll be staying or what that whole weekend had in store for us. I just prepared my share of payables and the rest was supposed to be a surprise to me.

It turned out to be a great weekend! Before we left the airport, i just realized i was in the company of 3 other single ladies who have a common passion for traveling. Diane, you were my comic relief during the entire trip. She, senti stories and senti songs... hahaha! Aimee, well, you've been all that and more. we had a smorgasbord of prawns, crabs. blue marlin, aaargh... Ula was right. Ka Lui's is the best! Arrgh! i'm missing my weekend appetite already! We went fish feeding and thanks to those jelly fishes who seemed to have this nasty habit of ruining the pretty underwater 'postcard-sights' i almost lost a leg with aimee tugging it from behind and that one jellyfish was to be blamed. We took a tour of the underground river bec as they say, you've never been to palawan if you haven't seen this. An 8-km long cave but only 1.5 open for 'tourism.' They say there's a king cobra somewhere in the darker nooks of that cave. Of course, to 'unbore' myself, i held the light for the whole group in our 'bangka'. Amazing formations but the sight and stench of bat poop just well, freaked us out. Anyway, im just giving u a prelude to the real purpose of this post. here goes... some of the forgiveable and can-see-can-share pictures!

with aimee, lounging at the lobby of Asturias hotel. We're waiting for our tour guide. (note: Ate Zenith Pabli was the best guide i've ever met in my whole life.. so far! If you're interested to get her digits, lemme know!)

A Post with No Name

2006-08-06T20:55:00.001+08:00

06/aug/06

It feels like i've been the laziest blogger these days. I dunno, i have so many things to write about but somehow i just can't find the time (?), let alone the drive to tell the world. i've caught a horrible viral thing last month and that kept me in bed for says. For those of you who know me well, that rarely happens! The 'bed weather' didn't help either. I was literally glued to my bed for days. JR took very good care of me though. My sweet sweet fellah! Nelson even cooked me life-resuscitating sopas (now i'm craving for more!) and i must say i've been touched by text messages from cons, julie, cel, gen and gul. Just when i thought i'd have the chance to see some of my old friends, well i was down and out. i hate being sick... but i love getting the extra attention though. whew! now, im back to the grind.

Ula's been my nagger. finally, here's a post cakes! still have not uploaded my Palawan pictures but i promise to do that soon. It's nice to see you back in the game too. You know what i mean... i'll always be just a text or call away. Be it chismis or... again, 'you know what i mean!' some really late shout outs... belated bday greetings to ate maco, trisha, benz, dindin.

saturday night was nothing great except for the fact that i decided to re-open windows to the world out there. it was nice to hear from guys from the past and who knows, i might get together with you soon. i've retired way tooo early huh?

Meantime, here's a sneak peak on what my fave niece, Mai-mai and i were up to this sunday funday.

Now you see her...

Now you dont!

I told ya... wala lang! haha.
Palawan pics soon. (and yes, a better update!)

LATE POSTING

2006-05-31T16:23:00.000+08:00

31/may/2006
1620H

well, i just got back from Korea and all 14degrees celsius of it. kinda warm for this trip huh? anyway, previously in my so-called life...

this one was taken at Red Box with my friend and British colleague who....okay let me put it this way. The man who knows "the man" in my office desktop, Paul Walker. There, that's better (and i thought lee was kidding!)

and follows is a pic of my IAS family. I'll be possessive about it. I love this people! to the core.

A letter to AH...and the tres MARIAS

2006-05-01T11:22:00.000+08:00

01/may/06
1121am

you are the best shop ever!
okay, so you probably are asking who is AH... well, 'he' just happens to be my new fave grocery shop in Amsterdam. We adored it so much we almost ended up printing t-shirts that say, "we went to amsterdam and visited AH.... 10 times!"

i was gone for a while to attend a beginner's crash course in KLM World Business Campus, with Maritel (my forever fave traveling companion!), Minette and Myda of AF-KLM Manila. It was fun!!! well except for the briefly turbulent flight above the Himalayas... everything else went well. Flight attendant van der ende even winked at me when the captain announced it's going to be a 'bumpy' flight for the next 15 mins... whew! anyways this letter is really meant for the tres marias. Aside from being the only filipinos in an almost EUROPEAN class - we had Bridgette and Phylis from from Zurich, Anette from Copenhagen, Marco from Milan, Adrian and Amanda from London... we were distinctively the 4 MARIAs in class - Maria Theresa (dont you dare call me by that name!), Maria Estella, Maria Esmeralda and Maria Wilhelmina...and we realized it when Wilco, our dutch instructor pointed that out! HAHA! I really had a fun fun trip with you ladies. I mean, who would have thought that i'll be eating pizza and magnum ice cream with the 3 of you on the greeny grass of that park near our favorite AH? That's the 1st picture on top! yes, i do love the cold... sleevelss in springtime! actually, i missed this weather so much, i gave up my coat for minette to sit on just so we can pig out on our pizza which i was craving so much for after our class that day. Well, you know me .... charms and all... i walked up to Tanya in pastryshop section of AH, introduced myself and got her to saying YES to cooking the pizza we bought from their branch. That's usually NOT allowed. Atypical in europe where people are not as accommodating as OUR side of the world. Lo and behold... we got our pizza at the park. I'm still winking remembering that moment.

Myda, you were the sweetest! I texted you this and i'll say it over and over again. I was overwhelmed by your thoughtfulness...and so very helpful! I had my usual urge to shop for things i fancied over the trip and almost ended up with a lil something-something from the shops that these girls actually fancied for themselves! By the time we finished breezing through Schiphol duty free, i had more buy and fly bags to carry and you were just too eager to help. I didnt even ask. The worst happened when you boarded the aircraft only to realize you have my bags and you forgot your backpack!!!! yes, that's how helpful she was... she became selfless! we were just laughin about it but i almost lost sleep thinking what could have actually happened if we ended up losing your stuff. eeghad! but you're right... this picture of ours turned out to be way too happy-happy-joy-joy in colors! i call it - sam's bus! winks!
This is myda with me in the picture! I enjoyed our talks too.... and yes, our 'secret' will remain just that, until well, you know when....

Minette, you and little britain! i will forever blame you for the gas pain a.k.a. 'kabag' i acquired on board! i will always remember laughing my head off recalling that 'showdown.' I enjoyed the AH-hopping and yes, our little crazy stunts from time to time. thanks for the memories! But admit it.... it was nice sitting on that grass pigging out on our handfuls from albert's bountiful shop! You forgot to sell me out at red light though. That trip was a failure... if you know what i mean, heheheh! Thanks for opening my eyes to the wonders of those oober nice espadrilles. (spell?) love it, love it!

Maritel, finally! We did another trip together. It's been such a long time, and yes, you never fail to be my fave companion still. Now how i wish you were a bachelor! tee-hee! I always tell you my feelings about everything.. i don't feel like writing to you anymore! hahahah. Seriously, here's to another trip that i will always remember! What do you think? we surely ACED that class, huh? Shempre.... proud and ... well always hungry! Where to next?

To the tres marias... and my 2 new friends (myda and minette) - it was fun "knowing" u both. Wilco, Olaf my favorite as well as our new European pals.... it was a pleasure meeting each and everyone.

My 2 lessons from this trip:

1. There is AH everywhere in AMS (hahahaa!)
2. Business class makes you faaaaaaaaat!

Rijks museum with maritel and minette and red and black jacket, respectively. This is where the Rembrandt paintings are!

bye amsterdam! time to head to schiphol airport!

NEW friends.

2006-03-02T18:02:00.000+08:00

Dream of ERM Travel with the 'loves of her life'- snowy and honey.

With Vivian and Michael of Harvest Travel. I love their pearl milk tea! Yum!

TAIWAN

2006-03-02T17:44:00.000+08:00

1010. the fastest elevator in the world! 89 floors in 37 seconds. beat that!

Had to do sales call with Nobel in Taipei and Kaohsiung, TAIWAN. Too busy to write, but the pictures might help? Si singkit at si dilat! ;)

Taipei 101, the tallest building in the world. Spectacular view!

My Koreanovela?

2006-01-28T12:51:00.000+08:00

let the pictures tell my story...

1. Winter Wonderland! 2. Bye Seoul! on my way to Incheon airport, i saw this pretty sunset! 3. Night out in one of Pusan's local bars. 4. Hotel Bum, Hotel Commodore. 5. My Hotel in Seoul. 6. On board KTX, from SEOUL to PUSAN (3 hrs) 7. SOJU - the "only" alcoholic drink that can get me tipsy? 8. with KIM, shopping? in Nampodong 9. Seoul, at Night!

I arrived in Seoul and the weather was -1 deg Celcius. coooool!
And the best part... is always coming back HOME.

Hanging by a Moment.... then 2006!

2005-12-31T09:39:00.000+08:00

31/dec/05
0941a

A NEW year always brings me a population of emotions. As it unfolds every minute by seconds, i find it ironic to be facing a brand new set of 12 months with memories of what i am TRYING to leave behind. Just when something new is about to begin, there are certain things that just have to end. Beginnings and endings.... once again, i am at that point.

I dream about waking up to a new day, feeling like i've never lived before. Just as my new journal says... when was the last time you did something for the first time? It makes me think. Tita carmen said i'm in my 7th year this 2006 -- my spiritual year. A time when i have to ponder on whether i'm in the right place or if i'm the exact person i wanna be. Somehow deep down, i know i have the answer. When there's still the slightest signs of being hurt, i know i'm not quite THERE yet. Everyday this year 2005 (i'm writing this on the last day of the year!) , has been a struggle. I am not the first person to deny it. A tug-of-war between clinging on to what's comfortable and moving on... until the very people i cry to became my very reason to cry. Everyday seemingly brought not a promise of better things to come, but of people and circumstances to be afraid of, to be standing up against. While i was nursing my own wounds, i had to stand up just the same and nurse some others. While the wounds were just about to dry up, along came reasons to bleed some more. In so many ways, 2005 has been a difficult year.

Penny, was very sweet to write me a letter... just when i needed it most. Who would have thought an old friend would remember? (i hope you don't mind... it's just too nice to be kept in my inbox...)

sometimes i look back to the time we've met,
the time when i saw you and just thought you were nice.
when i just thought that because of all my defense> mechanisms, my male upbringing and all my penny-isms, it would be so hard for me to get close to you. to really know you.
for me to be your friend... and of course I WAS WRONG... as hard for me to know and to be friends with any female, you made it easy.
you made me realize that a "gurl fwend " is not a foe. but someone whom you could go shopping with, whom you can laugh with and cry with (of course!)
you made me realize what a true friend should be. when i think back to one of the best times of my life, i always think of you.
how you took care of me when im down and out, your precious words and optimism that kept me from breaking down,
the strength that you've shown me when you were being attacked, physically and emotionally.
i miss you so much my BIG B!
sometimes i wish to GOD that HE could give you everything that you asked for. for you have a good heart and you have been good to all the people you meet. may it be for 5 minutes or for a lifetime...
i wish to GOD that HE would hurry up and give you the person that you truly deserve. i love you girl and hope we could have coffee (or tea!) sometime soon.. and thanks for everything!
i'll always be here...

she has no idea (yet?). I was feeling lost all along. Somehow in that letter... i found my old self again. briefly so, but in the most powerful way. I guess sometimes, life sneaks up on you, only in a good way. i am not saying that my storms are over (who am i fooling, right?) but when someone makes her presence felt in your life, sometimes, it's more than enough. Who knows what else is in store this 2006. Many of us dismiss reality by saying it can only be better, but who knows when? Before we all get to that point when things are actually better... your boyfriend will cheat on you; your mom will still NOT understand; your boss will screw you; your bills will get to you long before your payslip ever will. Your car will break down just when you've made an overdue over-the-limit payment to your credit card. Your heart will break again, just when you thought you've finally met the one. Nobody said it was easy. We all just have to wake up believing it will be better today. If not, well certainly... it won't be something you can't put up with.

When we're confused, it's hard to find peace. For the same reason, i was troubled for a long time this last quarter. Just when the hoping started to recover the best of me, hell broke loose. I once thought life was very unfair, to good people most of all. Not that i am claiming to be a saint... my "sisters" should be laughing by now... ;) then again, if we don't go through something awful at a certain time, how will we learn to be hopeful? If we don't get our hearts broken, what else is there to fix? If we don't find a reason to cry, then how will we ever appreciate stumbling upon a good reason to smile. If we don't get wounded in a fight, when will we know how to heal and recover. If we don't get in a fight with a friend, how do we know the feeling of being "relieved" when we make amends? The question is the answer in itself. So you see, there is no harm in asking. Because once we beat the guts in ourselves to ASK, it's a sign.. that you are also brave enough to know the truth. It might sting. It might hurt... It may not be the answer you expected... but it will RELIEVE you. Take it from someone who's gone through all that at the worst time of her life.

2006. There are no guarantees that life, or love will be your fairy tale. But i dare you to live it the bravest way you can because even when your strength fades out in the middle of whatever battle... it is remotely impossible... that you will be alone. If you never try...

You'll never know.
Then if you know you've tried hard enough and you still don't understand. It's alright.

God will explain.

BACK... with a Vengeance

2005-12-26T11:40:00.000+08:00

26/dec/05
1150a

After much prolonged silence...
At this point, taking off where i left off seems the hardest thing to do. That point is just too hurtful to be going back to. Not that it's entirely over. However, a few baby steps will get me somewhere i know. I still wonder at times why people do what they do. Christmas didn't even come as an excuse. It still brings shivers down my spine to take a glimpse of dark places, or to catch myself alone. Somewhere between imagination and reality, i know deep down, this feeling's just got to go.

I've gotten text messages and calls from friends wondering how i've been and it's such a boosting thought to be remembered and cared for. I really don't know what to say. I am okay. Somehow.

The past weeks have been very unforgiving, not to mention the terribly irritating presence that lurks around in the person of someone who's just being obnoxious, down to our bones. At Christmastime???!!

Okay. Enough of that one!

Now you. You who have been there to constantly look after a friend. Thanks for checkin on me check. Thanks for reminding me to find my writing again. It's just been a very difficult time lang. Thanks for the call on "engagement" chin. You've made me one of your happiest friends. You are living proof that we get second chances... and whatever chance we've missed in the past, will not always be necessarily the best. Just look at you. Thanks for the patience and the undying anticipation yvette. I've finally written again. And Penny!! you are my most pleasant surprise. Thanks for taking time to write me a letter. Unexpected but really, you made my heart swell. To my IAS family, you have endured so much crap lately with me and i will not trade that with anything else. This friendship i mean. It's one of my greatest gifts. Heads up ladies! There is strength in numbers. :)

Enough said for now. Believe that i am back, with all the courage i can muster to fight my battles head-on. Faith is worth fighting so hard for. There is something and someone better out there and it takes more than just hope to get us all there.

Buckle up and hold firm. I'm giving it my best shot this time.

Better Letter... than NEVER

2005-10-25T19:19:00.000+08:00

25/oct/05
0718p

It was him all along.
My suspect.

After almost 2 weeks of storming heaven, after exhausting all benefits of doubt... HE CONFESSED. I have to admit i went through a really difficult time lately. How difficult? Well here's letting you in...

I cannot stand pitch black dark areas. I can barely walk straight to and from the bathroom along the dim hallways of our office building. I can hardly breathe everytime i enter the village during midnight shifts. I wake up to the sound of footsteps or mere rustling of leaves at night. I lost my peace. Just like that.

Migs was first to volunteer to drive me home right after what happened. I declined. I know i can be stubborn at times but i had a reason this time. I know in my heart i had to brave my trips home just the same; that i have to eventually do it on my own so i might as well start NOW. It was probably one of the hardest things i ever had to do. Face my fears with eyes wide open and rosary cupped in my hand any given conscious time. Kuya bebot and his team of tanods made sure i was given the heads up everytime i would enter the village. JR with the rest of the Antipolo Police Team of Mobile 2 would text me EVERY night to check if i've reached home safely. These were of course apart from those times i had to be escorted from Antipolo City proper all the way to my house. Paolo would always remind me whenever he'd see me leave the house, "Stay away from robbers, tita!" My mom and dad will never sleep until i am finally inside the house, in one whole flesh - still shaken or otherwise. Ate Maco has been calling us more often just so she hears our voices and is assured that we are okay. Trisha heard mass for our intention. Ai and Charry had to consult their dads (retired AFP and Air Force Officials) for any substantial advise thay can give me. Ricky of PNP and Arpee (the designated lawyer, Nina thanks for lending me your hubby!) as my constant confidantes also provided me with my much needed boost. Nana shared my fears. My officemates provided me with daily comfort. Mom and Dad initially wanted me to find a place in makati. That was a no-brainer on my part. What's the point of living alone in peace when your leave your loved ones at risk? Ting even had to wait for me one friday evening to give me an extra room in their house just so i didn't have to go home. Yvette did remarkably the same. Without reservations. NO BUTs. As embarassing as i had to admit how afraid i was, i had to rely on these people to help me conquer my fears.

I talked to all my suspects the weekend after the incident, until i narrowed it down to HIM. I talked to him last. It was a much more difficult moment, having to sit beside the man who i knew attacked me and listen to him, stare at his face as he dredged up all the pretenses he could in order to lie to me and disclaim the allegation. I gave him a chance. He chose to stand by his lies while the tambayan stands no more.

A week later, i went ahead and sought the help of brgy captain Leony Leyva. very authoritative yet approachable in a way. He personally called me into his office and promised this would be resolved in the soonest time. The following day, they sent a summon to my suspect. That same weekend, he confessed to my godbrother. The case was already filed. I have respect for the law and hence, i knew that the best venue for reconciliation is at the 1st arraignment.

He showed up today. No bonnet or tshirt to mask his face. No bare feet to disguise or silence his arrival. He was right there, humbled by the summon and embarrased by his own wrongdoing. I felt angry in the beginning. As i tried to collect myself together, the anger translated to pity. Here was a man, a neighbor, almost a friend... who resorted to a desperate attempt to rob me off what i had that night... anything for easy money, or perhaps anything to satisfy his momentary 'trip.'

A lot of people suggested i demand that he goes to joil. A friend even emphasized he is old enough to 'change.' I was indecently and blantantly proposed to have him killed. All these suggestions sounded so complicated to me. Little did everyone know, my bargain with the BIG BOSS above was simple. HAVE HIM CONFESS AND ADMIT TO THE CRIME, AND I WILL FORGIVE. Some people will brand me an idiot for settling with this decision. I didnt know my way through this dark tunnel since day1. All i asked for Big Boss to do was to guide me through HIS plan because i'd like to believe there is a purpose for all these. A reason i may never learn to understand. A purpose i may have to remember along with all the fears that surfaced during this entire difficult time. Everything seemed like a jigzaw puzzle. One piece after the other... without exactly knowing what the whole picture was. I just knew and felt in my heart that i had to somehow lift every piece of it and DEAL with the mess.

Before i slept last night, my last thought was....

"If i send him to jail (and law enforcers actually said I COULD!) a few months later, a man perhaps of greater remorse to life and fate all in all will emerge as either one of 2 things - as someone who would like to correct his ways, or as someone who will turn tables around once more and do worse." For whatever purpose, it will serve him right to be locked in a cell somehow.

I woke up this morning with ONE firm decision.
As fury raged through my blood vessels at the sight of the man who almost deprived me of my peace of mind; who made me hate having to go through dark areas which never bothered me in the past; who almost took away my right to living in peace.... i was suddenly pacified by the thought that turned it all around.

As it was perhaps the easiest thing to do for this man to steal and raise all the living daylight out of me at stake, it was the hardest thing for me to play dumb and pretend i could once more brave the roads that lead to the very place i call HOME. This morning, I saw him walk outside the village and present himself at the hearing, calling himself GUILTY of the crime. As it proves to be such a huge humbling experience to have to look into my eyes and say while squirming "Sorry thea. sobrang bait mo sa amin, sa akin. Kaya sobrang sisi ko kinabukasan. Sorry po Ate Mila (my mom), nagawa ko yon," and to actually hear with your own ears my words which came out bravely:

"Hindi lahat ng tao magiging mabait sa yo. Do not make me regret the decision of forgiving you, because if anything happens again to me, my family and our neighbors, I will re-open this case in court and send you either back to your province or to jail."

I still don't know why he did what he did. if he was high on something, he was certainly low on moral judgment. I have not the slightest idea what he is going through that made him do the unimaginable. I do know that while it was the hardest for him to come out in the open and accept whatever justice was due him; to marinate himself in tears and shame, admitting pen-on-paper what he did and agreeing to "amicable terms," lucky enough for this man... it was easiest for me to forgive.

I have respect for the law.
I have however, greater faith in what ONLY THE FATHER KNOWS.
My dad is the funniest and silliest character in the house but what he said once struck me most. "Fear is a manifestation of one's lack of FAITH."

Out of the hundreds and thousands of criminals we send to jail everyday, how many comes out a repented man? i wonder.

OUR LIVES. In HIS Hands.
No matter what or who is out there.

A Letter They Thought I'd Never Write

2005-10-14T21:28:00.000+08:00

12 October 2005
(*** Undisclosed recipients. People in position and power hold a copy of this letter.)

Dear Sir,

It is indeed quite frustrating to have to meet under this very unfavorable circumstance. I address my concerns directly to you as I believe in my heart you have the jurisdiction to properly execute preventive measures for this kind of crime. I trust that our local authorities can and will provide the necessary assistance. I just regret that I have to shorten the channel of authority and directly bring this matter to your awareness in my greatest hope that I get justice.

I reached the entrance of San Antonio Village minutes later than my usual schedule. I passed by our village tanods, honked my horn at them as my routinary greeting and headed off to our block. I got off my car and lazily walked towards the other side of my car to check if I properly locked the doors. Just when my back was facing the main road and as I stood about 8 feet away from our house gate, I suddenly heard footsteps coming from behind. I was instantly on guard since the footsteps seemed to be approaching too fast towards my direction, seemingly running, sounding like bare feet tiptoeing on a tiny poddle of water. (Thank God for that evening rain!) I instantly turned around and caught sight of this person who I hardly distinguished, him being in black shirt, short maong shorts and black bonnet covering his whole face. Defenses up, I stretched out my arm and pointed at him while simultaneously shouting “O!..O!…O!” as if prodding him to stop and stay away from me. Unfortunately, that only caused the attacker to rattle and halt for a brief while. Perhaps, upon realizing he was only a few feet away from his goal, (presumably the bag clasped in my right hand), he just braved the distance and went after me anyway. He then attempted to grab my bag while he forced his left arm to apply strong grip on my left arm so I couldn’t maneuver my escape from his captivity. Right this very moment, I knew my last hope of defense was to struggle free and scream as loud as I can, hoping that I make noise disturbing enough to wake up my family and neighbors. This proved to be quite a success because right after I forced myself down to the ground to break away from his grip, he decided to flee as soon as street dogs started barking at the commotion. Then came my mom and the rest of our concerned relatives next door, the Quidatos. Yes, I fought like hell to ensure he wouldn’t get ANYTHING. Now we have one disappointed thief on the loose.

Why tell you this piece of seemingly uncomplicated crime when I have filed for report at the Antipolo Police Station? Simple. I just find it quite alarming that this man clearly came from within our own village and that he, apparently came from this dark tambayan, for lack of a better term, which is actually situated right across our house. I have no evidence to point a finger at anyone who hangs out in that place but needless to say, it has become a very inviting spot for this man to keep as hideout while he waited for my arrival. I mean, how convenient can it get right? The place was pitch black dark.

My point finally is to bring to your attention the need to abolish this tambayan as I don’t personally see it improving our own security when in fact it has proven to be detrimental to civilians like me. I still have not the slightest idea who my attacker was. However, I am CERTAIN ABOUT WHERE THE ATTACKER CAME FROM. If it continues to stand where it is right now, who knows when it will provoke another horrifying incident again? What lies beneath the pitch black dark corner is unknown to even the most careful resident of San Antonio Village. Until we finally catch who this perpetrator is, I don’t think it is worth keeping this hell-spot while putting our lives at stake, especially if in the first place, the open space where it stands is “village property.” This means, that no resident of our village should claim right to its use unless it is bought and properly documented for ownership.

There has been no valid reason apart from this incident that was strong enough to DISPLACE ANY VILLAGE GROUP as they have not done me or my family any harm and I do not wish that they be involved, or anyone for that matter, unless we have hard evidence against any suspect. Truth of the matter is, every resident in our village IS A SUSPECT. Clearing an area in the village that should remain as it is called “OPEN” will hopefully also eradicate any doubt with anyone who imposes settlement in this spot, that he or she has anything to do with any unjust attempt to steal, rob, let alone hurt a resident.

I have as well resorted to getting PNP attention (identities of whom I would rather not disclose at this point), apart from the remarkable support from Antipolo Local Authorities, SPO1 Tariman and his colleagues. Prompt responsive efforts of the latter, I truly recognize with highest commendation. Strong ties with MEDIA people prove to be very comforting as well.

In the meantime, I embrace my faith in your good office and believe even better that this request will be graciously accommodated. If we do not deal with this now, how many other lives will be put at stake? The most hurtful part is knowing that we cannot even be safe in the very town, let alone village, we call home. With your power though, there could be hope.

As individuals, we all have our rights to security, but above and beyond that, a RIGHT TO LIVE.

This, however is my CLAIM to PEACE. If you cannot give it to me or the rest of your constituents, I don’t know who else will. That leaves us I guess, to adhering to whatever evil force awaits your family and mine and leaving a hard imprint on the minds of criminals out there, that “Hey! It is alright to do crime.”

You and I can only do so much to battle evil. Your action will have an impact for sure. The rest, we just have to leave with God, who sees everything beyond this letter, and behind your every action.

I’m still slightly shaken. I have cuts and scratches on my left arm to nurse. Perhaps, I’ll still be loose at the seams the next days but I will be stitching myself back together. They will heal in time. A community will need more than overnight to be redeemed from the hands of morally sick people who exist in the midst of us.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
I trust you have a remarkable answer, sir.

Another Letter. Another October.

2005-10-11T21:35:00.000+08:00

11/oct/05
0934p

I can't seem to get Haley's song out of my head (from season of 2, OTH)
October's here. The leaves have come and gone. One more year has come.

Time flew before me. Again.
Unfortunately so, it didnt take along with it some memories of the past. It didn't entirely cut me off the strings that connect now and... yesTEARdays. I got a very unforgiving invite last weekend to go to this bar. An invite i effortlessly refused. What's the point of driving myself to a place away from home only to tear my heart open again? In the first place, he left it out there anyway. Now that i got it back again, there is no way i'm going to let him crawl his way back into it. No amount of alcohol in his bar could make me forget. No valid reason will ever amount to a plausible excuse for me to go see that place, let alone the owner who happens to be the biggest JERK i know.

I heard someone say once, there is only one opening in the heart that lets you fall in love again. Unfortunately, it's the same opening that leads you to the very part where you were hurt and broken. Last weekend, i found that familiar place. Once again, i came to terms with the anger, the frustration and the regret. Just when i thought everything has settled down good, one lousy text churned everything up once more. It didn't take another Pandora's box to let all the evil feelings out. It didn't have to go farther than my chin down, and there they all were. I did get my heart back a long time ago... but i forgot to let go of the pain.

I just wanna wake up one morning NOT feeling anything for him. Not even anger. I know in my heart though, it never happens that way. But i guess i can go on waking up to a brand new day more grateful, that i am not married to this man; more hopeful, that another man will make it worth falling in love again. They say it's never worth losing someone you love. I say, it's never worth loving someone you lost.

October's here. The leaves have come and gone. One more year has come.
Nothing's changed at all.

Not entirely though. I am mad at myself this time. For hurting again.
One day... when tables turn and the mess you caused other people haunts you back and penetrates the soul that you seemingly lost, it's gonna hurt more.

More than this.
And the saddest part is when you realize, that even with your own company, your own bar, or even your slutty wife (which due to limited vocabulary, you call 'gorgeous' and brag about) ... along with all the riches you can possibly have, you still are WORTHLESS.

My nightmare ends when hers begins.
And that's just about the same time you left. For her.
Now, i'm just happy being awake.

A Long Time.

2005-10-05T19:48:00.000+08:00

05/oct/05
0814pm

i KNOW.

It's been weeks.
I have been consumed by my leave i thought i should enjoy it to the fullest. the SILENCE. However, I am back. I hope you don't mind.

I finally got mat back last 19sep and it just made me miss having my car around even more. It's not so much about being dependent on the car itself. I've been a commuter for most part of my life. It's actually the missed opportunites on having to take my nephews and niece, mom, dad and sister out during weekends 'conveniently' when it's been raining like anything. well, i still dunno the purpose of that 'accident.' Ula's been faithful to the 'sweet dream-story' she formulated in her mind. I still smile everytime i recall her pushing for the idea. The smile of course ceases whenever i remember just being asked out by the basketball player who bumped my car. WHO IS MARRIED. That aside, he isn't an evil man. He was just barking at the wrong tree i guess. I even have no interest strong enough to make me meet his guy friend. It sucks? Well, it's just my preference i guess. No argument there.

I went to tagaytay with my bestest friend of all times. It's our yearly ritual of celebrating my bday. We ate at Antonio's all-day breakfast, shopped a bit and just went on and on telling our respective stories. The best part of the trip was our visit to Tierra de Maria. Crying on my bday proved to be a relief! I wish i can take that kind of peace with me all the time. I still wish... I know i asked for quite a number of stuff and had this year's bday wish list (the longest i believe) and you all know WHO you ARE. My heart still swells from not having to THANK YOU enough. Somehow, at one point before my bday, i kinda felt shortlisted, for having lost some people in my life. Now, it feels like i've been given MORE. For the first time, i got a bday card with 7 signatures in it, all wishing the same thing for me. Imagine, if they all came true, i'd have SEVEN BOYFRIENDS by now!!! Just to make things clear... i said BOYS, not dwarfs. hehehe!

I'm back at work. We rarely get our usual 'free time' to slack around a bit, surf a little. With our TINY office handling KLM, Air France, Malaysia Airlines, Aeroflot, Kenya Airways... there's even not enough time to have a decent lunch, or dinner. With the girls in the office managing to just take spur-of-the-moment snacks, i wonder when we'll ever get thin! While our colleagues in the UK earn POUNDS in their pockets, we gain POUNDS and inches in girth. HAH! there is balance.... winks!

** i BUMPED INTO my adorable inaanak, ADA in Shopwise antipolo one weekend and well what do i know? She's bigger than i am.

** Louise and Myron invited me to Manixa's baby shower. She used to have doubts with him not so long ago. Now they have a baby.

AND I...

still am crazy with Gavin degraw. I'll marry him.
If only he'd ask.

ON LEAVE.

2005-09-08T19:09:00.000+08:00

8/sep/05
Yup! yeepee-doodle-doo!

My annual leave officially starts as i write this post. I will be back to work on the 26th of Sept, 2005. You can reach me through my mobile phone.

I mis mat :( terribly....
I will miss you IASA gurrrls! (who knows? if i get "that" mood, i might get the itch to cook penne in tomato and bechamel sauce, or honey-baked spareribs for ya!?)

Chris, you made me cry today! thanks for the surprise visit and the yummy frozen cake! (trisha was in cahoots pala with you! hehehe. kayo talaga! salamat!)

A Letter to Motorists

2005-09-06T11:40:00.000+08:00

6/sep/05

Who would have thought i'd write a letter like this?
Who would have imagined that....

I would get into an ACCIDENT.

Friday, 2nd of September 2005.
I was on my way to Greenbelt 3 to meet Aimee, Bojo, Karlo, Alain (colleagues of Aimee's from PR -Phil. Airlines).

1210am according to my dashboard clock.
I was driving along dela costa st, heading for salcedo st across ayala avenue.
ALL traffic lights were blinking orange. Naturally, i slowed down as i approach the intersection and used mat's BRIGHT lights.

as i got passed half the main street... I freaked out at the sound of screeching breaks coming from the right side of the road and by impulse maneouvered my car to the left. The next thing i can remember is the deafening sound of a car crashing against another's. Unfortunately, the latter had to be mine.

i refused to get out of the car after seeing the other car had 2 passengers. Instead, i motioned the guy-driver to get out of his car and approach me. lo and behold! a 6'5-ft guy towered before me and then went on a heated argument.

thea: Dude, you were going way too fast!
guy (former basketball player who works for a Swiss company) Don't you know what right of way means?
thea: i do. (which according to the Police Investigator, may not always be used as an absolute rule to defend your wreckless driving! huh! up yours!) But don't you know what orange light means ? Hey, i don't wanna argue. We can have verbal war til next year right here at the intersection but it wont resolve anything! Let's call the police.
=---------=
If in Makati, you call this number, 8999007.
=---------=
2 minutes later, a guy from a 4wd-type of car approached and introduced himself as a PNP officer. Makati is outside his area of responsibility but he was sympathetic enough to prevent the threat of gunshooting or hit and run after he witnessed the accident.

I'll make the story short.
Guy was speeding along ayala and at the speed that he was going, when he caught glimpse of my approach (with my bright lights and blowing of horn!) not even the FULL break managed to keep his car from hitting mat (my car). To prove this, his sentra left a 12-ft. long skid mark on the road, right before the intersection. If i didn't manage to swerve a bit to the left to try to keep distance, he would have hit both mat's 2 right doors or could have even hit me right through those 2 doors, with the impact that he made. Worse? He could have turned my car over. dammit!

Here's a list of concerned friends' questions - with my answers of course!
Who pays for the damages? The answer is obvious.
Where is mat? in a CASA in quezon ave.
Was i hurt? Left knee bruised (it's already gone blue as i post this blog... and healing goes on!)
Was there any witness? an ordinary-civilian-looking guy whom the player drove by, and in fact overtook along ayala-buendia... WHO just happens to be a PNP Officer, on his way to gbelt to pick up someone.
Gwapo ba yung bball player? He has a wife. (i always smile whenever i give this answer!)
...and the list goes on and on.

I didn't call the Swiss company's insurance broker. WHY should i? I firmly believe it's now between the casa and the insurance company. I wanna spare myself from the 'runarounds' i usually hear about insurance claims. If they should be after anyone... well i believe the police report will say it all, the pictures and the testimony of witness (who didn't even have to appear!)

MY biggest thanks goes out to:

Mom and Dad - for remaining calm, for the prayers.
Ate Maco - for the support i needed at 4am when i got home.
Aimee - for insisting to be at the accident site despite my persuasion for them to just stay at gbelt; for being there at the right time; for abandoning her own fears, her own comforts... to help ease mine.
Bojo - for the being the 'all-knowing' person at that time. he knew exactly what to do and what to tell me. i told ya... close na tayo e! you got my vote Kuya Boj! winks!
Jojo - for staying awake and keeping the mobile line open for my questions.
Karlo and Alain - for the additional boost of strength...and yes, the humor.
Mike - my ever-trusted 'Dollar'- friend. Thanks for bringing me and Aimee home.
Ricky - you will never be stranger to me from now on. Thank you for calling a day later to check on me and the case. You redeem the title PNP in your own way!
SPO3 Bibon - we need more officers of your kind - just, compassionate, TRUTHFUL and principled!
Flor - as i said, i know mat is in good hands. :)
Tatay Nelson - for showing me all the right ways. You never fail me 'tay!
and Joseph - for taking the 'extra trip' for me.

Maritel, Angie, the 'Doogs team' of Ula & Ron, Trisha, Jenny- for the unwavering concern and hugs from a distance.

Twinky and Joie - for even feeling bad that i didn't call them... you made me feel a lot better.

I wasn't even shaken. I was even willing to drive mat home, all the way to Antipolo if not for the misaligned right wheel. I was backed up with the loudest prayers and the most supportive of family and friends (nana, ting, yvette, calvin, catt... my space won't be enough!)

My bruise... is a perfect reminder.
Living a second life at age 29 IS A MIRACLE.

and so are these people who were given to me at the time i needed them most.
----------------
To all motorists and drivers out there.
The road is NEVER 'just yours.'

When you drive defensively, you save your life, the same way you save others' too.

A Letter of Regret.. and Hope.

2005-08-29T19:23:00.000+08:00

29/aug/05

It's that one thing that people often marinate in... run away from... or simply deny.
R-E-G-R-E-T.

I am mostly at the listening end for people who are consumed by this feeling, until of course i get my own moments and be haunted by the same. As September approaches, I know i'm called to deal with a few, with the hopes that next year turns out better for me. Or should i say, I make it a better year for me instead? yeah, that's actually it.

I miss the floojees. JAM and the entire family. I wish people understood better. I wish I didn't get hurt. Or, that the wounds healed sooner. I wish we'd all have that 'good & youthful' vibe all the time. I miss the late night outs with them (now that i often am just working late...)
(It's however a wonderful revelation that it's nice to miss people once in a while. Because when you do, you always look forward to the next possible chance. It becomes a pleasant surprise to get a text, or a call, and a feel-good rendezvous to meet up at the stroke of midnight for spur-of-the-moment coffee or tea. It's the longing that makes you realize, they are important to you too, and you hope that one day, you become exactly what they are to you. a FRIEND.)

I wish I have the capacity to just forget. Forgiving for me is easy. It's always been that way and i don't want to change any of it. Some people are walking swell heads. They find it difficult to admit to others, and to themselves that we are all imperfect... capable of making mistakes. Many times over. Even those we never imagined doing. So they forget how easy it is to just admit and say sorry. I pity those people. Those who would just be quiet about things, hoping tomorrow when they walk down from their pedestal, someone else would break the ice and apologize FIRST. My problem is not in this category. I just hope i'd be able to forget. JUST THAT. FORGET. I wanna learn to forget 'feeling' for some people from the past. I want to forget remembering my heart getting broken, and to forget the one who broke it. once, twice, not knowing it would be endless. I want to forget that pain. I wish i could. I still can't. (now i know how it feels, so i've learned to be careful to make the same mistake. to hurt someone else. It's taught me to be sensitive to other people's feelings. To apologize to a friend who's feeling sad, when i am exactly the brightest color in the box. It's a sublime admission of my own mistake, when we often put the blame on the man who hurt us most. Because it is easier. It's a humbling experience to see my own imperfection. That i have a huge participation in the crime that i hold him against. It's true. I wake up to a better morning trying to just remember to take his place in my heart and let it help me be smarter the next time. Because yes... there IS a next time.)

I wish i didn't cross the richmonde intersection that one time in february 2005. (But it was the same night i gave morrie a ride home. Despite the hurtful conversation with someone that night, i was able to help another friend. I won't give up that chance. It was then i realized, I have a choice on who i should keep in my life. When one hurts you, another appreciates.)

I wish i said yes to Tita Matty when she wanted to teach me to learn to play the piano. Or to Kuya Carlo when he was willing to teach me strings. (Now my fingers are stiff. 28 years and 11 months old. What i lack in playing instruments, i can sing and dance away. It puts me in my place, where i can sit back and admire those who can.)

I "sometimes" wish i can easily toss away my identity and be a flirt for a change. (That sounds like fun! - that's all i can say huh? hehe.)

I regret BEING THE FEMALE CONFIDANTE, or the best-friend-material, especially when the man i like talks about the girl he likes (and apparently it's not me!) (It can be painful, yes. But underneath it all, i still feel honored to be TRUSTED; priveleged to be chosen... and overwhelmed to be his friend. That even in a non-romantic way, he makes me part of his life. But i admit... i am looking forward to being the girl he's telling someone else about. Someday, one man will give me my chance.)

It's an awful short list... because truth is, i have not much reason to regret. I was never born with a silver spoon but i guess my parents take much credit for my upbringing. I'm always usually after the harder options in life. Whatever i have now, i have earned with my own efforts. They're not a lot but i can say they were well earned. It's true when they say, you become less fearful when you got less to lose. I seize my day, almost always. I often take the higher leap when necessary. That's why there's really very few could-have-beens in my list. Most of the things i regret involve someone else's feelings which i never claim control over. It's healthy to cry sometimes i guess. winks!

REGRETS have a sweet attachment to them, because right after, it you give HOPE a chance... then you give yourself a reason to look forward to something better in the future. Even to growing old.

When you're brave enough to come out in the open to bask in the sun with me, as we enjoy remembering dark skies where we shone brightest, then you'll be up for a good treat.

A soldier who's been wounded knows how to nurse another fighter in pain.

In the meantime, i say goodbye to these regrets.
I don't need you anymore.

An Advertisement

2005-08-24T15:23:00.000+08:00

To the sweet tooth in you.
(C'mon, don't deny it!)

Nana's selling chocolate crinkles... really good moist, chewy ones - for P40 bucks per pack of 10. I'm helping her promote and sell these heavenly goodies. So if you want to order.... well, you know how to get in touch with us. Otherwise, leave me messages here.

Thanks!

A Letter to Long-Time-No-Sees

2005-08-23T23:02:00.000+08:00

23/aug/05

I KNOW.
I still owe a lot of people a visit, a long phonecall or a cup of tea. It's just that lately, there's just an endless list of things to do from my end that it's either my dates are postponed or as awful as it is, cancelled. One day, soon... we'd be able to iron out hitches in our scheds and hopefully be able to catch up on each other. In the meantime, i've been getting messages of the same nature... asking either how i am, or how i've been.

Here's my most recent and briefly-listed updates.

1* Hair is still mahogany in shade and almost 10 inches below my shoulder. - the longest ever! (fave hair-do? High ponytail tops!)
2* I'm back to 100 lbs! (i literally chose what to eat since 2august, well except of course during my last week's trip!)
3* Wanna have: Gavin DeGraw's cd (*thanks nana!). OTH season3. Desperate Housewives season2.
4* shopping-spree place: Believe it or not? Shopwise Antipolo during weekends, because it's my time to spoil my nephews and niece when they're around.
5* Phone wallpaper: Lucas Scott, of OTH. simply irreplaceable! winks.
6* Bag glued to my shoulders: this black rectangular bag I got from Theme.
7* Current Fave scent: Honey gentle water by L'Occitane
8* Fave timewear: My white leather-strapped dual-time REACTION watch by Kenneth Cole (thanks martin.... i dunno if i should thank trisha though! hehehe! spending partner...)
9* Current weekend get-up obsession: any ensemble i can pair with my gray beaded bag and sandals which i got from a local shop in Saigon.
10* Current cravings ( i need space here!): Mr. Kabab, as always (ula??? hint! yoohoo!); Chicken a la Kiev from Chocolate Kiss (thanks banans!); El Cirkulo food.... any pasta.... huhuhuhu!
11* Must see: You. (otherwise, you won't have to read this!)

See? apart from all these current obsessions... i haven't really changed a lot. Still rallying for the same views in life... and love. A few inches added or lost to and from my girth won't change anything i guess. I still get the jitters listening to Keane's "everybody's changing." I guess it takes a lot of sense from what's been goin on in my life lately, that's why. Everyone changes. I even changed my mind about certain people... and my heart about some. Hopefully, for good. Morrie was right. We're all just either ON or OFF. I've managed to finally distinguish where to categorize people who continue to exist or cease to exist in my life. Another year will soon unfold. Sometimes i still feel a lil bit sad. Some other times, i feel hopeful. Most of the time though... i am genuinely happy. It's a catastrophic repitition of emotions... but hey, i'll get there too... and i'll find you just across the table.

Soon.

A Letter to my Fairy Godmother

2005-08-23T20:48:00.000+08:00

23/aug/05
Hello Fairy Momma! winks!

well it's about time you get your own letter... and about time i demand. (before i hit 29?!!)
here's my wish-list:

1. I love Gavin deGraw. His songs. His album. I just do. I don't even care if it's unrequited. haha. - nana got her claim on this! thanks (in advance) best friend!
2. I love that scent of lacoste (not touch of pink! please!!? unless you're pissing me off!) the one that comes in a pale yellow box. I'm not sure if it's available here but it WAS in Bangkok. Unfortunately i splurged on L'Occitane. (still not regretful about those purchases!)
3. I like anything and everything ORANGE.
4. I like One Tree Hill and the O.C. soundtracks! OST of "A Date with Tad Hamilton." (thanks to ula i have OTH's..and gul/ronnie for burning me a copy!) Oh and yes, season2 of the Desperate Housewives!
5. I'd take anything from MNG. Well, except anything pink of course! NOT their scents and accessories too! it's all about skin, skin and skin that's XXS or XS. (mexico/USA sizes!)
6. I still don't have the album of Maria Mena! aaargh!
7. URBAN spaaaaah!
8. I just got an AK watch and Kenneth Cole REACTION dual-time watch (thanks martin! ....but i cant get my mind off the Tommy Hilfiger watch i saw at No Curfew in Shangri-la.
9. Yvette and i will be working on this digicam project. Stay with KODAK girl! hahaha. mwah!
10. A bluetooth headset for my nokia 3230. YEAH!
11. I want to speak VERY fluent french. so far, j'espere parler francais bien! geez! i dont even remember if that's grammatically right. took up French 100 back in the day as my elective. I want to pursue this! (je voudrais!!!) I want a copy of Berlitz FRENCH (or KOREAN) cds avail at MUSIC ONE. Aimee arrived just in time and pulled me away from the cd rack. Tempting...grrrr!
12. I want to go back to europe and US the next given chance. Go to a new destination ('for a vacation!) or well, havin a 'new' companion ain't bad at all. Although i want to go somewhere with parents and friends too! (i don't have to limit my options right?!) hehe. Although i think i got this in advance too, despite the business reasons.
13. I want to go white-water rafting.... in Cagayan de Oro. October, officemates? haha.
14. a new guy friend or, a NEW favorite date. (i'm holding my breath...)
15. as Gavin deGraw sings, "i don't wanna be anything other than what i've been trying to be lately"... so you can leave that one alone momma! winks... and winks some more!
16. I ... like... HIM (if you know what's goin on in my life lately, you know exactly who.)
17. A better cd case/keeper for mat. (aaargh! the cds are just there...all over!)

Today's High: Nana! i finally got a chance to listen to Borgy Manotoc's Totally Mental show and while i was at it... hahaha! I contributed an answer. It was ron who read my lengthy message... but both Borgy and his brother Mike, went on for like 7 minutes, discussing my contribution. hehehe. Borgy said he likes the way i put in in words... (so, are we close now?!)

For the sake of those who missed listening (naks!), Borgy's question was:
"Why do showbiz people do well in politics?"

My text reply: It's not about celebrities doin well in politics, with the exception of a minority, but for the sake of argument, celebrities penetrate through poltical niches well only because both showbiz and politics thrive on popularity. Sad but true. Politics is like this orchestrated stage that puts national drama, comedy and suspense in the limelight. So who's there to better portray the lead roles but our local actors? Tragic, but again true. So we end up with this huge political saga more interesting than the reality shows on tv. (i'm still SO against it though....!)

guilty of texting while driving.... that's me alright! I enjoyed it though.
Who wouldn't? (si Borgy yun! hahaha).

No Letters, Only Pictures...

2005-08-22T21:02:00.000+08:00

No time to write and story-tell... let the pictures speak. Only this time. :)
From Top to Bottom: . My favorite treat, Mai-mai my niece in my bed when i got home. How cute huh?
. Saigon, Vietnam - where my shopping ends. Tragically NO TIME to shop. ten minutes tops... (shhh! i grabbed a bag and a pair of beaded sandals on our way back to the AF office. That's all! sigh.....) my glorious 10 mins!
. Rangoon, Myanmar (formerly BURMA) - Air France Office and the view from the office.
. Our Burmese Lunch (curry-ful!)with Aye Kyaw (charming manager of AF Myanmar) He was super nice!
. Our Thai lunch with Krisdah of Air France, Bangkok - our wonderful mentor.

BRS .. for BRISTOL?

2005-08-11T14:45:00.000+08:00

11/aug/05
No... but i wish! haha. I'll be out of the country with my fave traveling companion and friend, Maritel! It's been yearsssss since i went to the UK with her. Yup, she still is my immediate boss but that aside, she's always been my big sis. This trip is indeed something to look forward to.

We will be hopping in and out of the aircraft with a very hectic schedule to cover.
15aug-16aug : Training for AIR FRANCE in 'B'angkok and visit KENYA AIRWAYS too
-------------
17aug: Visit AIR FRANCE in 'R'angoon, Myanmar (then go back to Bangkok)
18aug: Visit AIR FRANCE in 'S'aigon, Vietnam (then go back to Bangkok)
-------------
19aug: Fly back to Manila.

Imagine!?? Maritel and I will be practically staying in Bangkok only to sleep, take a bath and change clothes in the hotel!

I will remain within reach via mobile phone. See y'all when i get back.

must see before departure: my parents before they leave for Baguio this coming weekend; mai-mai, marco and migs; ate maco and my derma! (desperately so...)
must watch: OTH, lang! (diba cakes! i am ecstatic we're not leaving this Sunday! woohoo!)
must eat: craving for crazy maki at kaeseki or hmm... pasta! (i haven't eaten rice since 2august!)
must go out with: che-che and nina for lunch -that should be settled on friday lunch; cheryl for post midnight/late late dinner and drinks on friday. nana! chocolate kiss when i get back promise? bitin... grrrr....

A Letter to the One IN Love, IN Lust, IN Pain and INdifferent

2005-08-10T23:28:00.000+08:00

Isn't it an amazing feeling? Being IN LOVE, that is.
It is not so much of the overly familiar feeling that takes your breath away. It's holding your breath when you're about to make that decision, or that commitment. It is the way your tummy turns upside down, just when he's about to pick you up. The way you both remain in silence in the car, just sitting in peace knowing you've found the one -- and he's beside you that moment. It's hugging him without saying a word, when you've hurt him and you're feeling sorry. Or running towards him once you find out he's making a phonecall just outside your house. It's having faith in your man, despite his weakness. Or finding refuge in his strength; comfort in his arms, or music in his heartbeat when you lay you head down on his chest. It's the crying and the making up after a heated argument that takes your other remaining breath away. In between the sobs and sighs, only then you will know that you love this person despite all in spite of. It's not so much of the petty fights or the unsettled differences that will break you apart, when in contrary it's what keeps you together longer because even if you've been the moody person that you are; even if he's been taking out a lost game on you; even if he forgot to buy you a gift on your anniversary, you two make it up to each other just the same... and yes, you still are TOGETHER, and that he CHOSE YOU over any other somebody out there ... and that tells a lot. I still may not know so much about love, but just in case you have found that someone who feels the 'same way you do' and someone who will take care of that heart you've given away so bravely... then he is a braver man for taking up on that challenge. That makes it at least worth staying IN LOVE.

Then again, we are only but human beings. There are those whose needs would not go past the emotional border. The callings of the human flesh and this is where those IN LUST step in. You can deny it, cap it in a tinted bottle and throw it in the deepest ocean and reality will still haunt us like a hungry wolf in the pitch black forest. I've been in close encounters with men of such kind. Lucky enough for my sometimes 'bored-and-looking-for-beast' self.... i've managed to get out of those traps even before the snake comes out to bite... if you know what i mean. We have needs and those needs need to be satisfied someway, somehow. That is not a pervert's statement. It's reality verbalized. I have nothing against those people who are in this category, if and only if, they know what they're doing and are willing to take the morally filtering consequences. If you can't be good, be safe (my best friend told me so!) but if you can't be safe, you might as well hold out the momentary passion or thrust it into a hole in the tree if you don't at least acknowledge that responsibility. There will be another life involved and heaven-forbid another heart to be broken. It takes two to tango but usually it takes just one silly step to ruin the dance. Enjoy it while it lasts because believe me, one day you're just gonna wake up like Samantha Jones 'losing it....' and the worst part is, you're not in Hollywood like she is. :)

Then you have those who have gotten the shorter end of the stick, those who feel that life has been unfair and love only painful. A heartbreak is NEVER easy. No heart out there welcomes pain with open veins. He left you for another woman? Or he left you to be a woman? Either way, it's gonna tear your heart apart even before your consciousness acknowledges that IT IS OVER. As i said before, most of the time, it takes a while to forgive, but a longer while to forget. The challenge then is just when you've convinced yourself that you are ready to move on, you end up in the same coffee shop one day and just the mere sight of him churns everything that you thought have settled down already. Then you are back to square one, beating yourself up for loving the man who hurt you the most. But love is a decision that we make, from hindsight unfortunately. You never thought that the man you fell in love with last year is going to morph to becoming the bastard that he already was, until of course, you chose to see him otherwise. We are often good at making excuses, when we think we are in love. It's good to know you have faith in your relationship, but never let the same faith make you stupid. Comfort yourself and try to move on. You didn't make a mistake (unless as my morrie puts it, you married this man!). You just fell in love... unfortunately with the wrong man. But it doesn't mean you won't get it right, or... Mr. Right.

Oh and lastly, you have those who pretend they can't care any less. Those who choose to be INdifferent. As much as how safe you think your private zone has become... as much as you think it's unnecessary to take that roller-coaster ride, just think again about how much you've been missing. Yeah, it's less attractive to be seen with a bloke who chokes you but bottom line is, we only live once. If it doesn't kill you, it'll only make you stronger. It takes monumental courage to go out there and take risks. When you do, even if you fail, it still is a rewarding feeling to know you've tried. You just have to.

It always is nice to see people from these different perspectives, and write about them. The rest of the time though, i'd rather fall IN LOVE... with someone who can keep LUST and LOVE sparking, even after the most torturing PAIN, knowing tomorrow i'd continue to feel ALIVE, rather than be INDIFFERENT.

A Letter to BLOGGERS

2005-08-10T21:08:00.000+08:00

10/aug/05

Have you ever wondered how much popular 'blogging' has become nowadays?
I have.

We used to just simply call it 'journal' or, 'diary' back in the day. But in this day and age, maybe to strip off a supposedly tolerable amount of mushiness from the idea alone, it has become a web log, a blog, an online hobby for whatever purpose it may serve.

Some bloggers love uploading photos - a remarkable display of faces - people we don't know from adam but somehow have become acquaintances in the same way they shift from being unknown to familiar.

Some would rather write. About herself. Or her loved one. An enemy or an ordeal. Somehow, blogging has become a convenient channel for our rants and raves, and the best part is that we get away with it. We can write about the last jerk who pained us, desperately hoping he gets the irk when he reads it, or the girl he's been goin out reads it and dumps him. (not that it's never occured to me...) We can also write about our own struggles... hoping that some smarter reader or luckily someone wiser by experience will acknowledge and write us back with the nifty solution. When someone else gets your point with a less welcoming reception, we always have the option to delete their feedback. As i said, we get away with it. Blogging has become a virtual best friend, who will never dictate what you should do next. On the contrary, it makes it even clearer for the writer to see what she has done in the hopes that it helps make her smarter the next time, with her next move for her next interesting post. There is freedom, and along with it comes a larger venue to interact with other bloggers.

But in reality... why do we need to blog?
Because apart from the desire to be heard, there is a greater craving to have at least someone out there as WITNESS, to our hearts ---- swollen as it is, from the overwhelming proposal last weekend, or a broken as it is, over losing the one you love. While the rest of us write, there is also this unsatiable curiosity amongst the rest to read and uncover letters, albums or as we call it, BLOGS. It's just like knowing what goes on inside our neighbor's houses, or simply appreciating what grows in the adjacent front yard (and what a joy it is to find a 'Jonathan' mowing that lawn?! haha!) again hoping that they do better in their own lives or simply, to find someone in the same boat as theirs ---and it better not be sinking! although even if the boat sinks, it's comforting to know that there will be others who will be swimming with you.

In my case, i just am madly, deeply in love..... with writing.
It is however, a serendipitous gift - to have you as my WITNESS.

P!

2005-08-01T23:43:00.000+08:00

'P' for the ONLY color in this planet that i hate. As i said when i hosted this event, i usually love weddings. I really do. In this case though, i can say i love the couple more. Wearing a pink gown (as i was part of the entourage too!) was just the greatest sacrifice i had to make. hahaha! just imagine faces of my girlfriends lookin at me, as i walk down the aisle in PINK. okay, 'nuff said about this color. winks!

(i got the tassles off my gown right after church ceremony!) well, it's just me and my ridiculous self as usual. i loved it looking just like this (even the bride agrees!) i had fun hosting! (anything should be fun... as long as i don't have to join the bouquet toss!) yeehaw. nana girl... done as you suggested. i will never forget this PINK day. eeoooow!

X X X

2005-07-25T11:06:00.000+08:00

"You've got to be kidding me!"
This is the kind of response i was expecting to get from my most-missed high school girlfriends, when i came up with a suggestion for aie's shower. (well, i honestly had the intention of giving her a dosage of the NEVER-wholesome kind!) So, care of yours truly, we dared cross the borders to be naughty girls that night... and headed to... well for safety reasons, i'd rather leave it to the readers' imagination. It was different. The experience being something we think we would not dare do... it turned out to be well, just that, different! We had a blast touching aie's hands that have gone cold the moment we entered the venue with her eyes blindfolded (and a naughtier man shouting behind her... here i come here i come!) i winked at the man for riding along of course... (c'mon! he deserved some sort of compensation anyway! so yun, kindat na lang, since that i can 'afford to do.'); or the time the security guard was teasing us girls (assuming we're still from high school??!) telling us our parents must be freakin out to see us doing what we're bound to do that night (hah! thanks to ting who had the wittiest remark... "ah excuse me, one of us in fact is already a parent) and yes, for the record.... our parents knew exactly where we were, and mind you, no one even opposed the idea.

tito caloy: (ting's dad) hmm... san kayo gigimik?
ting: dad, alanga namang sa simbahan?

thea: mom, we're bringing aie to ....
mommy mila: hay sobra kayo! baka ma-shock si aie-aie! (my mom apparently was worried about aie getting the shock of her life. never mind her own daughter!?) hahaha!

aimee: mommy kasama ko sila thea... punta kami ng "..." for aie's shower.
mommy aida: ah sige, teka san ba yun? (like geography is FAR more important than the EVENT itself!)

parents... they are cute, 'sometimes.'
----------
i met up with tetet and aie at dulcinea megamall and had dinner with them there. that was of course after the splurging that i did! hey! lady has to do something right? and the mall had my 4 favorite letters posted everywhere. S.A.L.E! ting followed after 20 minutes. stories galore! anyway, as soon as we were complete with aimee coming from makati, (yvette and rose couldn't make it for very valid reasons.) we didnt waste any second. with aie blindfolded we went to the unnameable! haha. was texting ate maco, trisha, ulacakes and ronron for updates. everyone was looking at us with that "what are you girls doin here?-kind of stare" jun was so persistent in texting aie... "ano, may lalaki ba dyan?" and we would all shout and laugh (simultaneously) in chorus... "marami!" hahaha. it was a fun fun night, not mainly because of the 'lengthy revelations' or the 'hard acts'.. but really because we were with each other. these girls are by far my girlfriends who i keep longest friendships with! we quit after an hour. we then went to abs cbn starbucks for some star-gazing... or! the lack there-of. hehe. i drove them next to icebergs metrowalk, since we were all in need of some sugar saturation! it was so humid that night! that's where this picture was taken from. beside me are - tetet, aie, aimee and ting. (l to r) we finished dessert by half past 1 in the morning and so we decided to give ourselves a super early buffet breakfast and went to something fishy at eastwood city. then we called it a night... i mean morning! we passed for the boys .. who were having their own pseudo-stag party at masaquel apartments... and jasper just kept on blowing us away with his usual kulit-funny quirks! i swear. MAAGA kami umuwi di ba? i mean.. umaga! haha. 4am to be exact. not bad for good ol friends who are definitely gonna be growing old with me. winks!

it was the best time i had in a long long time! i missed trisha's dinner though :(
i'll see you on saturday girlfriends!

i'll be wearing a gown by edward teng... (courtesy of aie and jun) and it's hmm...
PINK! grrrrrrrrrrr. . . . . . . !

The Letters B and C

2005-07-10T19:22:00.000+08:00

10jul05
0732p

it cannot get any clearer than that.

BC - well as you noticed i haven't had the luxury of time to update anything here. Come to think of it, we are only taking our baby steps to getting into the 'eye of the needle' so to speak. This week is the beginning of bigger things to come, for IAS, for us.

Monday - Maritel and i will have a one-day 'crash training' with Air France. We are now officially the marine desk for Air France WORLWIDE.

Tuesday - my dear Mike Austing will be arriving from the UK to train us for SU - Aeroflot, a Russian Carrier. *but no one and nothing's stopping me from watching the premiere of IF ONLY with best friend nana. woohoo! free movies once more and the best company to go!

The rest of the time ? well, we are also supposedly starting with Malaysian Airlines this week.
So need i say more? yeah, a few ladies in Asia , Filipinas at that, are bound to make things work. Oh yeah... it's a tough job as they say, but someone's gotta do it.

Just so many things to do... so many things in my mind still. The heart has taken a back role this time (good for me huh?) Aie and Jun paid me a visit last weekend to hand me their wedding invites (hey aimee, yvette and hilario! your invites are with me ok?)

MNG was on sale... ahh alas! finally, something that makes the hardwork worth it. hehe!
Guess who made it to the seat next to mine at church today? Old friend Kaye mariano-varias. And nina and i were contemplating on paying her a visit too... well i guess fate has a funny chance of sneaking up on me again. God forgive me, i think i missed listening to the homily. ;)

This is the 1st weekend i wasnt able to take mom and dad out to dinner/movie. Apparently, im on house arrest again doing laptop duty :( i'll make it up next week.

As you can see, i'm quite a scatterbrained writing bits and pieces of my not-so-current-events. well you have to bear with me, until of course i'm back in the groove.

My nephew paolo is sitting beside me right now as i type this post. I guess that triggers the scattered thoughts. He is imposing his presence to use the laptop.

Thea girl has a lil bit of 'studying' to do.
Big week is coming right up.

Ghaaaad! i need a boyfriend.
(did i just write that?) ;) hey paolo! stop typing things in my post.

perfect! blame it on the child.

2005-06-13T22:02:00.000+08:00

With aie (middle) and tetet (rightmost) during Nick's bday. Aie is tying the knot with Jun on the 30th of JULY and i am.... hosting! (AGAIN?)

An Invitation

2005-06-01T21:01:00.000+08:00

Hey y'all!

It's the closing event of San Miguel "Sarap Magbabad Summerfest" on Friday, 3June 2005.
tara na't magbabad kasama ng Parokya ni Edgar, the Dawn, Francis M., Rivermaya, 6 Cyclemind at marami pang iba!

SM Megamall, Paking Lot C.
7PM.
i'll see my e-talents friends once more! woohoo!

A Letter to My Man-to-Be III

2005-05-30T21:01:00.000+08:00

Hey.

How can a loveletter be written in the absence of someone to love?
It's written this way i guess.

When was the last time you wondered about me? My moment was last night, while i was hugging my pillow and half-wishing it was you. When was the last time you imagined us having dinner together? Mine was 2 months ago, when i had lunch with someone i thought was you, and now i'm back waiting. When was the last time you wanted to tell someone sweet words? I wanted the same five minutes ago, when i wanted to say 'i'm yours.'

I used to be up against my "why"questions.... now i'm baffled by "when."

I've been caught up with so much work lately. At the end of most days, i just want to rest my head on your shoulders, to feel that you'll just be there all the time. Or hold your hand, and be comforted that you're finally beside me. It's quite more difficult at times when my heart feels this familiar pain from the past only to remind me that I still am not okay. not entirely. It's still there and i know it. It just makes me wonder sometimes how someone who has chosen to screw up every given chance ends up smiling in the end, and someone who tried to be good every conscious time ends up crying at night. I haven't found my peace in that sense. It's just comforting sometimes to feel the hope that's within -- the hope that there is still you, out there.

If only i know how to find you...
If only i know where...
Or when...
If only love doesn't get as painful as the last one
Or as long as finding the right one,
Then this letter wouldn't have to be written.

But you're reading this right now.

A Letter to Joyce

2005-05-21T10:00:00.000+08:00

21/may/05
0950a

my dearest joyce,

welcome back home.
only a year and a half passed but so many things happened.

you hated air conditioning systems, but you chose to stay in Winnipeg (Canada) to last 6 months of winter a year.

i took up HRA back in college but you're the one working in Clarion Hotel.
we both hate traffic, yet we're both driving now.

you're not married but you play one of the king's wives in "The King and I" staged abroad.

you bring me home a set of lip shades when you used to be the one obsessed with make up. i got you a scottish, 'pep' skirt for springwear, when im the one partial to fashion.

i like good looking guys. well, you like them more :)
you were biased to drinking water. last night, you were quenching thirst with tequila rose.

joyce. i never thought Canada will make you better, because surprisingly you skipped a notch to be BEST. (thinking of yourself less, to give Justin more!)

To top it all. . .
Hindi na ko baby... pero ikaw, may baby na. (winks!)

Cruisin along makati avenue to the Fort (from Pier1 to Embassy) then back to Metrowalk for cocktails and DAWN entertainment at Aruba with you, ting, yvette and aimee..... darnit!

Old friends never change.
They just change clothes...
wear a new scent...
sport a new hairstyle... and STICK to the same guy preferences.

(you like "blends & breeds" aimee is after character. ting fancies chinitos. yvette prefers boys with toys, (err...cars, and doesnt get out of one, as a matter of fact!) si 'doc na extra' likes... harharhar! well we know who.) i go for those with charm and charisma!

Mahilig ako sa gwapo?
Kasalanan mo yun!

I'll miss you more adopted sister!
You'll be coming back home to meet "your new kuya."
(SHY pa sha... "SHaY nawawala! Pero, promise yan.)

A NOTE.

2005-04-29T08:02:00.000+08:00

29/apr/05

-Postponed- trips for next week: (So, i will be here in manila the whole time!)

2-4May : Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
4-6May : Jakarta, Indonesia

"Outside Network's Coverage"
(** please call my colleagues at 728-8080 for urgent concerns.)

8-11May : Pusan, Korea (Commodore Hotel)
11-12May : Seoul, Korean (Lotte Hotel)

12May : Back in Manila

Charry. I had a fabulous time having dinner with you at the poolside of Westin last night. mare... who knows? i might show up one day with a promising guy to propose. haha! i think he's enjoying manila bay pa... the hotel tour was fun. really, i still feel bloated from last night. a smorgarbord of grilled seafood, steak and ... ghad! i have culinary amnesia from the gluttony (oops! excuse me!) "SAN KA PA?!"

we cruised macapagal like 2 girls out on the loose. well, aren't we always???? until the gas nears empty... as u always say it. haha! i loooove hangin out with you girl. it's always a de-stressing experience. a brief time away from the 'impaktos' of our lives. (DISCLAIMER: the writer and the subject have sole rights to the language used and may not be used and copied without the permission of well, "neng" herself - charry!) hahaha.

i had 2 hours of sleep. 30 minutes of driving with the biggest tummy i've seen in my whole "will-always-fit-in-a-size0 to 1-small small-blouse-LIFE!." 1 and 1/2 hours of mint tea, great minds (remember our conpiracies? hahaha!) and a friday morning with good hang over. winks!

The Letter I and the Number 3.

2005-04-29T07:40:00.000+08:00

29/apr/05
0740a

I3.
The letter-number combination that will forever be significant to me.
This is our original HRA Block back in UP which was born year 1993.

During this very sad time, this brings back memories of old friends. The block that was. The friends that were. Now, unfortunately so, we are brought back together in support of a very good man / friend/ blockmate that he has been to us. STAU.

KLM flight yesterday was cancelled. As i go through one critical case of rebooking and rerouting finding myself at the mercy of Malaysian Air for one darn seat.... i got the most unexpected call from charry. I couldnt take the call so 5 mins later, came the most dreadful text. Stau's dad was in that fateful helicopter accident along with DOST officials and scientists, news of which broke the airwaves of radio news yesterday, incidentally something charry heard herself. I was in denial. I was hoping and wishing that she heard wrong. Mr. Ray Punongbayan, now red-cross governor, formerly phivolcs' director. No one had the guts to ask stau. I had to. Above and beyond the awkwardness, he is a very good friend of mine - the type who's not physically around all the time but if and when there was reason to call or text, we'd never hesitate doing so. Thus i texted, even though i really couldnt verbalize the question in detail... "my dear stau. is it true?" then the horrifying reply. "yes." the intensity of the blow of this whole situation only hit my senses when i was sitting alone at the lobby of the Westin Phil. Plaza Hotel, as i wait for charry for our scheduled dinner. There was a spanish dignitary sitting across me and these govt officials suddenly blurted out loud... "grabe yung nangyari kay Punongbayan." then it hit me. the second but the harder time around. like cold paralyzing pain crawling across the spine. HE IS STAU's FATHER.

My dearest stau, i cannot and perhaps will never know the best way to comfort you in this time of grief. I don't even know the exact words to say to fill in the huge gap cause by this loss. I do hope you find it in your heart, the strength to go on, with faith that God's plans are usually beyond our comprehension. He has been a good father to you. I remember your stories and letters way back in college. I have kept them. In the same way, you will have memories of a truly remarkable man, your father and friend, forever in your heart. I don't know what happened between college graduation and yesterday, but i do believe you are one good friend i refuse to forget... and you DO NOT deserve the gravity of sorrow this has caused the family. Then again, i pray even harder that you take comfort in our friendship and love for you. Unbelievable as it seems, old blockmates have never stopped texting. We may not feel the exact throbbing pain that's worse than anything imaginable, but we do feel you need to know that we are HERE. You will not go through this ALONE.

Especially YOU.
---------------------------

A Letter to No One

2005-04-27T07:46:00.000+08:00

27/apr/05
0724a

i've been dealing with quite a busy schedule lately.

sister with family moving in to a new house soon (i know i will miss her and the kids!) a best friend on the rocks with her significant other. another best friend recuperating from a break-up. make that two. an itch to buy myself a new phone. (and the scratching continues...). homecoming of my favorite godsister from canada. pending dinner with charry at westin phil plaza. pending night out with the office girls and 'their partners.' (someone is giving me a raised eyebrow again!?!) dad's bday on the 30th. mother's day approaching. best friend nana's bday! SMB-sarap magbabad summer event, reloaded! yes, we're doing it again. (can't wait to see my new friends!!!!) all these to name a few. oh and yes, not to mention, neck-to-neck sales call trips to indonesia (2-6may) with jenny and to korea (8-12may) with tess. i've one weekend in between to live my life outside my luggage huh!? if schedule and pockets permit, i might end up in bora last weekend of the month to give in to a "sister's" request. of all people, she said she wants to talk to me lang. so you see? i'm not exactly the most accessible person of the moment. well, not in the coming weeks.

i just really wanted to write something. thus this post. i haven't had the time to start my book or ...errr... my song but i believe their time will come. excuses, or so i call it. i will however, find time to watch "In Good Company" and "A lot like love" (right ba my title trish?), the same way i had the spur-of-the-moment urge to watch the "Wedding Date" with my dearest catt and calvin a few weeks back. Those 2 never forget. Benz... thanks for remembering to call me out of the blue, well, after driving by 3 horizon blue lancers? you are such a dahlin to remember mat. winks! some people do stay for good. Bri, i had a wonderful time with you too... (and i don't think i'll ever forget kabab and yeah, even the speed of... well you know!) haha.

words cannot keep up with me, or my schedule. if and when something spectacular happens, well i will find my way back here for sure. otherwise, you can say i'm just really awfully preoccupied. DND (do not disturb) has been posted on my forehead for weeks now. To think, we haven't even started dealing with 'NEW other airlines.'

MY 'OF THE MOMENTS':
Department headcount: 9 and we are hiring... soon!
Most Stubborn Problem: 105 lbs. (i've to get rid of those 5!!!)
Most Dreaded: gown-fitting for aie and jun's wedding. need you ask?
Must Do: weight loss for the wedding and yes, bora! (or hmmm let's see Lucas Scott of OTH!) i love the 'good' character :)
Must Buy: a new Nokia phone, new mphosis stilettos, new AK watch. nana's gift!
Must See: Joyce (and yes those 2 nice date-movies!)
Must Date: (must they come in alphabetical order?) Charry's lawyer friend, 'Ding-dong'(it's a code only us girls know!), a 3rd candidate for 'second date' (and why not? he's been very tame. winks!). okay list stops here first. i'm only finding my way up from dating purgatory y'know? teehee!
Must Eat: anything japanese! and those special chelo kabab, i swear!!!
Must Like: D1 and D2. I've been the mean girl...
Must NOT Forget: Be NICE to everyone. (my morrie says so!) Everyone fights a battle. (whether or not we know it!)
Must Go to: Jakarta, Pusan, Seoul and Bora. (work calls and pleasure awaits?!)
Must endorse product: SMB lang.

i REALLY must stop this non-sense.

A Letter to New Friends

2005-04-13T07:25:00.000+08:00

13/apr/05
0724a

I'v been gone for a while.
No i didnt leave the country but i had to take 2 days off to help an old friend, Ate Nano.

SMB Summerfest: "Sarap Mag-Babad"

Indeed it was a pleasant surprise! I got a call past 10 in the evening from ate nano asking me to help her with her latest stint. We used to work together in student council back in high school and this is basically something i missed doing. Only this time, it had to involve, nope, not 9 clubs but BIG companies and organizations. With SM Megamall Parking Lot C being the venue, old memories of our high school quadrangle seemed, well... relatively small. without any knowledge on what i will be designated to do, i gave ate nano my loud 'yes.' I mean what could possibly be difficult, errr... right?

After one of my midnight shift 2 weeks ago, i went straight to her condo in QC to discuss 'my assignment.' and kaboom!!! of all things, little did i know it would largely involve math. well, yeah... my favorite subject, if i'd rather be humoring myself! nonetheless, there was no turning back. i always keep my word (as much as i can!) and no "impartiality to math" can break my promise to an old friend, let alone an old "ate."

I asked permission from maritel, my ever fave boss and friend to give me 2 days off work despite the fact that she will be in the UK at that time. Without any hesitation, i was granted what i wished for. (well, you can say my good attendance at work pays off easily in times like this... winks!)

I met several other nice people.... Kuya Roland (Logistics head), Martin (Production and Creatives) and his 'gay team,' Kuya Alex (radio and communications), Aio (Technical Director), Dong (Lighting Director.... slash, my 'momentary eye-candy! haha!) .. well to name a few. Ghaddd! these people were the nicest...and being field cashier, i was bound to be the hardest rock to crack. can you imagine me? handling the finances for the project???! ME????!!! hahaha. oh you bet! let's just put it this way, despite my permanent bad mood for math and number-related engagements (well, you can exclude shopping!), the most challenging part there was keeping ate nano's trust. she wanted to hire someone she knew, and did i say...really knew???? for security purposes, i refuse to divulge the exact figures involved but let's again say, this is the very first time, i was entrusted that big an amount of money to disperse, spend...and well yeah, keep for the meantime.

It was another nice chance for me to spend more time with another old friend, emil. he headed the team of ticket-sellers and ticket cashiers... who are of course, my best if not dearest friends, aie-aie and sister ria, aimee and yvette. well, who else should i trust right? hahaha. now i don't have to further explain why it was ALL FUN! Hard labor. Walking under the pricking and scorching heat of the sun. Asserting myself (maybe all too well) in I-Bank, Tektite until the managers of the bank finally allowed me to withdraw a huge amount of money, last minute, for e-talents. leaving bank executives' guts scattered all around from counter desks to floor... (it's always the worst thing to do to give thea a hard time... tsk tsk tsk! apparently, they didnt know it's a bad idea to underestimate the small girl that i am, huh?!) a little star gazing here and there - with sights of francis m, SMB players, epi quizon, rica peralejo/ dominic ochoa (abs-cbn coverage), geneva/kc montero (gma coverage), parokya ni edgar, brownman revival, true faith... again to name a few. whew!!!! not to mention having to run around the mall premises in boots (as you know i am always about stilettos and high-heeled boots) and oh yeah, walking from one booth to another, with minimum 3 and maximum 5 bouncers around me. haha! i enjoyed the momentary glamorous feeling! well, glam aint exactly the word... let's say maybe 'royal treatment?' yeah, i told nana, i might be attached to the 'feeling' and decide to audition to be a real star soon. CUT! REVERIE ends here. hahaha.

I will surely miss the swing out sisters - deegee, anton and eyeler? (used to mispronounce his name and call him eeyore instead, i swear!) but with puffy eyes and swollen feet, i have to thank a few people in between... so here goes, my own 'closing credits!'

Warmest thanks with biggest hugs to go to ate nano, for the opportunity. the chance. of working with you again and trusting me unconditionally. kuya roland for trusting me just the same despite not knowing each other from adam and eve. martin for the very warm company and your ever-perky-'talbog sila lahat'-team.... guys, i mean gays.... i'm one of you now, y'know? haha. gerzy here.. and proud of it! haha! emil. for the consistent support, my own-proclaimed co-cashier (thanks for double-counting our money hunn!) the bickering helped me keep my brain nerves running, despite the brief 'monetary sanity.' aie, aimee and yvette. my dearest 'anything-for-friendship's-sake' go girls, who did not hesitate taking on the cashier-roles for me and NOT backing out in the middle of the crazy downpour of people come 9pm that night! whew! ang gaganda ng kahera ko! ;) karen. another old friend from college, who works for richmonde hotel who generously gave me her employee's room rate just so we can have accommodations closer to the venue at very low costs. (kaye/discovery suites... i trust you'll be able to help me next time? thanks for trying too!) jomar of San Miguel. for giving us ALL this chance, and if i must say...and yes i will say, for giving emil, my friend another dosage of inspiration, tee hee! deegee. my favorite new friend. hahaha. thanks for chasing after the girl who i thought got my journal, and for running wildly back to front desk to have parking tickets validated. haha. you are better than another darna-incarnate dahlin! thanks for keeping in touch too. to those who even attempted (succeeded or failed) to scrub off a few bucks from the funds... of etalent... thanks for the challenge, and for letting me know there are people who just happen to be "different" from the others. i hope you find it in your heart to forgive yourselves as well. it's a shame but as i always say, it's never ALWAYS about the money.

Like in this case, it was payment enough to be able to "just help." sometimes, you cannot put a price on what you work hard for, as it is GIFT itself... to give.

...whether it's your effort, your time, or YOURSELF.
of course it wouldn't hurt to do ALL THAT, and be inspired by someone on the side.

Heya Kuya God! why are you winking?

A Letter to the One Hurting

2005-03-31T22:42:00.000+08:00

Two people who are very close to my heart are in 'troubled relationships.'
While i try to pick myself up from the longer-than-usual-love-hang-overs... i was sort of rushed to forget my self-imposed title, "ms. drama queen" to try to reach out to some people i love.

You know who you are (but for those others who can and will relate, read on....)

They say 'love is taking a leap of faith, a chance we just have to take.' and you did - took the brave jump and made a choice on chance... and i admire you for that. I don't feel your very pain, but i understand you're hurt, just like the rest of us, for different reasons. whether single or in a relationship, we all go through something we feel in pain for. it's sad to know that the person you trusted to take care of your heart didnt take care of it... and now, you feel he's let you down. Unfortunately, there is no short cut in heartbreaks. you just have to GO through it, to GET through it. I've learned it the hard way too. If it's worth any consolation, remember that you're not the only one who cried. You're not alone when you felt that life is unfair or that love sucks at some point of our lives. But while you allow yourself to be consumed by this massive amount of sadness, life goes on for the rest of the world. Only you can tell, when... but i would love to have you back on the brighter side of the room. Past your emotional turbulence, is a redeeming amount of silence where you can enjoy peace with SOMEONE reassuring you that HE HAS ANOTHER PLAN. You just gotta believe it.

You know what i like best about a sad experience? It's the fact that while we hurt, we are hence humbled... but after all that, you know you get another chance to TRY AGAIN.

In this very mean and bad time, you just have to take comfort in the fact that what hurts now, will heal tomorrow. I will help remind you that you're "strong enough" to see that what is now your wound, will eventually be... just a scar.

Take it from someone who still HURTS, yet still believes.

A Letter to Remind YOU

2005-03-28T22:29:00.000+08:00

31/mar/05
1029pm

To whoever has the nerve.

She is at earshot's distance. She looks like she has a knack of listening. She is smart, funny and interesting. She is everyone's confidant. She keeps secrets like a grave. She is most likely to respond to your text messages even at 3:26am while the rest of the world sleeps. She is at your beck and call in times of crisis, and at your disposal, in times of preferred solitude. She says what's in her mind, has the courage to stand by her principles, and engages in verbal diarrhea when she proves a point or defends her stand. She is in some ways crazy in her own right and is loyal to her friends, including you. She may be the girl next door. The girl you thought was intimidating. Or the girl who raises a cranky tone at a customer respresentative who smart-alecks her way to sound she knows better. She is the girl you've known for years. or minutes. The one you see portrayed to be 'boyish' in most movies who transforms to a princess come climax (i still dunno why they like it that way!) She is single.

But you forget...
She is always just your friend, (although she can be more than that). She has feelings too. While she listens and helps you nurse your wound, you hurt her when you tell her about your intentions for another girl. She helps you still, because she can be stupid at times. She has her own troubles. She feels sad too, and the sadder part is ... you forget, you don't notice, or you just ignore it.

So next time you call someone 'your FRIEND', please have the heart to not hurt her in any way..... because it takes a brief moment to forgive, but really, a much longer time... to forget.

A Letter to Remind ME

2005-03-16T13:58:00.000+08:00

16/mar/05
0146 pm

The past weeks have been quite 'unusual.'
Today i woke up saying, 'it doesnt always rain, but even if it does, i always have an option to enjoy getting wet.

Today, you can finally say that my skies have cleared up. So this is me, writing to myself, again.

People make choices. Some will offend us, while others will disappoint. If you get lucky, some choices will bring you what you've asked for. Whatever choice you make, it brings you closer to who you are bound to be. Let's just say, my ways aren't always easy. My lessons aren't always the nicest ones. My life not the most predictable type. YET I... am the most naturally ordinary person you will know. Just like the others, i will always be capable of feeling both good and bad, but in the end, i usually end up finding my old self just the same, and somehow hopeful, that someday, i will get lucky and i will find someone who will love the 'me' i love.

So today, I am gonna soak up as much sun as i need and in case the rainy days come, i will not mind getting wet.

For JASON who once said i make him feel stupid, unfortunately so... i hope you find in your heart the reason why you should feel otherwise, especially with the 'kind of choices' you make. Why do you still keep the slightest interest of looking for me and talking to me, of all people, when as you said, i only make you feel ... and i'll say it again, stupid? Now, help me out here. Is that supposed to make you smart?

For those others who i seemingly have forgotten... good for you. It's safe to say that you are all in a much better place now, my past. Some boys are just better off left where they are.

It rains sometimes.... and when it does, it'll be perfectly okay to get wet, get your feet dirty and your hair frizzy. there's no other way to GET through it, but to GO through it. And when you get luckier, you wake up to a wonderful day, with the brightest sunshine you'll ever know, thinking, how blessed you are not to wind up, with jerks... asses... and those TWO OTHERS.

Call this the day, i am back to being a lil less sad, a lil less stupid... and a lil more fearLESS.

A Letter from KOREA (unedited)

2005-03-10T19:00:00.000+08:00

11/mar/05
0840pm - Local time.

despite a heavy heart, it was quite a relief to share a ride to the airport with maritel who saw me off last monday morning. jojo drove me to airport with mat. maritel and i had a short but meaningful talk. light because i barely exerted any effort to explain... she knew what i was going through, what an ordeal it seems to be and yet, she believes in her heart, what is difficult now will ease up later. IF ONLY I STICK TO MY GUNS.... it dawned on me right before boarding my flight to SEOUL. It's about time i stop minding these 'lil grown ups...' or my 'men of the moment' and start helping myself.

4 degrees in seoul. you know what i like best about this trip? well, simple. i like the idea of dressing up for the 'weather.' so with my trench coat, hand gloves, warmers, boots and all... i promised myself. it's kick-ass time. life has to go on... and here in korea, i have WORK TO DO. Mr. Chung (top 2 travel agent in korea) picked me up and took me out to dinner. on board my favorite korean car, Ssamyong Rextor (that turns on engine automatically by itself) it was a pretty sight to see frozen lake and leftover snow being shoveled off to the sidestreets. had korean for dinner of course... a lil soju (korean beer that hits the head with the heaviest hang-over i hve known!) and the best part... a hotel room with my own pc! hahaha. i had a chance to chat with ulacakes! (trisha has no ym yet! well, we're all changing cpu soon! darnit!)

tired but quite anxious... these mixed emotions seem to have dethroned my sorrow and depression. so easily. i have an appointment with Mr. Kwak, SEOUL KLM Sales Manager at 0930. Set foot at the klm office at 0928am. as the japanese would say, 'Just In Time.' It felt like home. I was well attended to and even the sales representatives were cordial. very cordial. Mr. Kwak had 3 words to say to me -- "we are impressed." needless to say, IASA overshoot targets for SEL in year 2004. now, i walk around the streets of korea, with a bloated ego, thinking, i am the 1M woman!... well, that and more. little did everyone know that we will make it that well. thanks to the combined efforts of the IASA team and Ms. Kim of pusan and the rest of KLM Seoul. Air France and KLM meeting at 1130.. had to dash off with Mr. Kim/KLM Sales Executive to visit one of our top agents... unfortunately non-english speaking. and the rest... is history.

KLM SEL had my booking changed so i didnt have to go to INCHEON (faaaar!) airport, and use GIMPO (domestic) airport instead. They made me leave earlier as it may be difficult to travel by ground after heavy snow last weekend in Busan. 1st time in 100 years.... but thank God, the snow has melted and traveling was a breeze.

Despite the gazes and the stares from these chinky-eyed people, nothing else has made my stay more awkward than ever. Here's a short story... One time, i was on my way to KLM office, a guy took the same lift i took.

thea: anyong haseo! are you from KLM?
guy: no... no... but ...ahhh... you very... pretty!
thea: (cringing deep down, managed to flash a shy smile... held on to my right hand, moved my ring from middle to RING finger...) still not saying a word.
guy: you... married?
thea: yes.... (and smiled even joyously... and said, kam sa ham ne da! -thanks!)

then got out of the lift.

i told ya... i am beginning to feel a lot more like my usual self again. i can almost hear trisha and tita nina saying... "dapat lang!"

Pusan/Busan has always been an easier area to cover. Despite my absence of knowledge in korean language, i have managed to keep last year's notes... so dont be surprised if i didnt get lost. i know exactly where my agents are, well except for 2 new ones, which took me maybe 2 hours to find??? no biggie... it's quite a challenge actually. had to picture myself doing amazing race... no harm in making it a lil more 'fun' for myself, i guess. tadah!!! found the agents so now, that leaves my count to 15 agents... all covered. haha.

Im now back at the hotel.... chatting with officemates. ill soon wrap up and start packing. i have lunch appointment with Ms. Kim, KLM Pusan tom afterwhich i will head off to GIMHAE airport to fly back to SEOUL then finally fly back to MANILA.

so what do you do when things seem UNBEARABLE?
NOTHING.

God does 'the necessary.'

so what do you do when you dont get WHO you want?
NOTHING.

God will give me someone BETTER. (and by that.... i mean someone who has BETTER taste in women as well.

My real friends know exactly what i mean and biggest thanks goes to them (and mom and dad who shared saturday dinner with me and said, "kahit masakit.... pls know that we never stopped praying for you...")

today i say, WE MADE it through the rain.... and EVEN SNOW!
see you all in manila.

A NOTE.

2005-03-05T16:26:00.000+08:00

I am in Seoul (7-8 March), Koreana Hotel, and Pusan (8-11 March), Commodore Hotel, on sales call (IAS marine product update with KLM and Korean Travel Agents) . I will remain 'out of reach' until Friday evening, 2300H.

Thanks.

P.S. (A Late Cargo)

2005-02-24T22:19:00.000+08:00

24/feb/05

haay... i did get the attention.

Like what I told trisha, sometimes I just awfully forget… there are people who read my blog. I think I’ve caused some people to worry in my last post. The remaining others, however may have felt a familiar pain or remembered an old scar

My friends.

Well, you haven’t seen me like this in such a long time but I am entitled to feel unusually not myself once in a while. (hay! nawawala sa sarili...) It all just dawned on me at a very, very bad time.

Trisha and Ula. Thank you for trying to hold up straight faces when I would just burst into sobs in a very odd way in the office. Thank you for trying to ‘pretend’ that you didn’t see me crying. I know it’s quite different for all of us that day. Thank you for making me feel at home, despite myself.

Angie. Your silence was comfort enough. The email and the effort to even find that article, whatever it was, was more than enough. I’ve always looked up to you as my adopted older sister. That day, I needed that presence around me. Thank you for being out there for me.

Nana. My gratitude to you will always go beyond words.
Yvette. Night cap. Just when I think I can manage the rest of the trip on my own, you didn’t even have second thoughts on going out late, past midnight to see me. I will NEVER forget.

Aie. Thanks for watching a movie with me last weekend, IF ONLY to forget.
Catt. You never failed me. Not once. Hanep.

Aimee. Whether 2am or 2pm, you just didn’t give up until you finally heard my voice on the phone.

Jason. Funny you checked on me today, but thank you.
Hilario. I appreciate the fact you even exerted effort. One text said it all.

Tess. I hope the letter makes you feel you’re not alone in that boat. Sorry if it struck a nerve.
Chin. You are always are a surprise. I’m sorry I can’t be strong for u right now. But hey, don’t I always tell you that you’re in good Hands?

Mom. Your 28-year old daughter is acting like a kid again. You know how it is when my heart is broken.

It felt good to cry.
2 days… and it seemed like 2 weeks. Hindi ko mapanindigan ang malungkot. Nakakapagod.

I just need some more time. Sort things out and get my act together again. Spoiled as I am right now, I am taken aback by the attention. (I do not mind!)

I will be back again, soon.
Now banans, I’m not there yet but I am trying… who knows that maybe tonight I’ll find it in my heart to look UP once again to our FAVORITE KAKAMPI and say…

“Lend me a hand here, will ya?”
Then again, He must have spent a little more time on me today - I got more than one hand.

Can i be a lil bit more stubborn and ask You to hurry "him" up a little?
p l e e e a s e...?

The SADDEST Letter I've Written

2005-02-23T13:58:00.000+08:00

23/feb/05

Last night was the longest trip home, and this... the hardest morning to wake up to.

I spent 28 years of my life BELIEVING while i spent the last 21 hours crying, or with a bit stroke of luck-- just feeling sad. really sad.

For those of you who know me, call this the day we thought would never come. For those others who dont, call this the day we thought would never end.

I am okay being alone. Without a distinct significant other... or maybe "was" is a more appropriate operative word. i never really questioned 'why' because I KNOW WHY and it has been my choice not to settle with whoever was just around. Until now. I used to say, it will come. my time. my turn. so i just need to kill time, make the waiting a lil bit more exciting.

But what happens when one day you wake up feeling like this. When you start questioning what you've believed all these years? When the seemingly "usual and trivial" becomes abysmal and the more i think about it, the more it hurts. While i hold the post for my friends whose hearts are broken along the way, in the end, while i see them happy in their own relationships, why does it seem like i'm the one LEFT WITHOUT. It's something i am totally not prepared to deal with. Thus, this crappy feeling.

I'm not the most religiously profound person you will know. In my heart, though, I know i have at least a spiritual root to keep me grounded. Unfortunately, today i don't even seem to have the energy to draw strength from the same ground. feels like shifting sands... as they say. It makes me wonder that maybe since i've been trying to keep it good in the right track, while the others mess around, that maybe too, i haven't been calling any attention from heaven. Maybe i've been put off for the 'she'll-manage-on-her-own-list'. And that maybe, degrading myself to that level may provide me with some better comfort as of the moment. RIGHT NOW.

I have been told that i am undeserving of any jerks in my life, being the girl with only good intentions. my friends would always say, I shall find my decent man soon - someone who equally deserves all my worked-up caring and attention. I fell for one just the same. He wasnt entirely a jerk. Let's just say, for the most part of it, he was being a kid. a very stubborn kid. In most of his attempts, he ends up being a chameleon kid. still a kid. hardly a man, always putting his own happiness first...and whatever that takes. he searches for someone who will love him for the man he wants to be, in realization. sadly, he forgets that there was once someone who loved him for the person he TRULY is, (his worst side included!) if only for that, i feel so discounted for. now, kid is trying to be that man he's supposed to be and with 'someone' to go... "the one" or so he boasts. then another friend who almost got wasted until she was saved... when her man came along. or yet, another friend whose relationship remains in hiding for about 4 years now, but seems to be getting the real kick out of it... esp since she seems to be playing the gf role too hard that she's forgotten to be a friend. to the rest of us. whether or not these are all true, my sentiments remain...

Could it be that by some huge, unforgivable mistake, i was put under the wrong category?

Sana ako na lang ang unang inayos... tutal naman ako ang MAS nasaktan...

Those exact words got the best of me. And it had to be today. It's never good to question the GRAND PLAN, but at this time, i have to admit... i just do not understand. accepting it may be the best defense, as i always say. this time, i can't even accept the need to be whole again if only to break and rest back in pieces later on.

I am tired. Of being strong. Of feeling. Of talking about it. Today, you can call me reticent. and stubborn to be so.

I guess all of us just gets to that point. the brink. When we all do, when it finally hits us isn't it a bit painful and liberating at the same time? It hurts like anything you ever imagined but at least i get a valid excuse. Not to be strong. Not to be my usual self. Not to live up to anyone's expectations. even my own. it's that time when everyone walks on eggshells around me, because they dont know how else to react. I'm supposed to be that person all the time. To say that things will be better soon, because they always do. But what do you say exactly, to a person like me who breaks down just the same?

I just happen to like someone recently. really really like. Someone who may turn out to be the decent guy i asked for. While it takes torturing days of finding out if he likes me the same way, my hopes are slightly shaken. I'm back to battling against the thought that maybe he only means well, being the nice man he is. i just dont seem to be as important as he is to me right now and that beats the living daylight out of me. again, something i am not prepared for. not yet. So, i decide to take it easy. maybe give it a break. That alone, spares me from having this permanent paranoia. While i make him my top priority at every fat chance that my heart beats, i remain to be just an 'option.' I can't deal with that right now. i need to find my own balance and eventually find equilibrium with someone who will want me, the way i deserve to be wanted. apparently, my self-esteem is taking the hardest blows lately.

i have had far better days than this one. I was feeling bad when i slept last night and woke up only feeling worse... wishing that this was all just a very bad dream.

for a brief moment there, i had to pretend it was... just so it wouldn't have to be this painful.

A Letter from the Bottom of my Heart

2005-02-11T09:22:00.000+08:00

12/feb/05

What do I write on the day of hearts?

That 14 years ago... my heart solely belonged to someone. My first love. My best friend. An almost-but-not-quite relationship that lasted for about 7 years, between us that is. Unfortunately, it took me 2 more years to let go of the feeling right after i let him go. HANGGANG DOON LANG TALAGA. It brings to memory that good old feeling of having someone take care of you; to have you his last call of the day... and so he was mine. I'd wake up to the thought of him and the day would seem COMPLETE, even before it begins. It was hard to say goodbye to someone good. Although deep down, i knew it was the best thing to do. He is already engaged, or so i was told. We saw each other a couple of times after a closure and things went well for the both of us. That i guess puts the "good" in goodbye. New year 2005 brought with it a reason to smile when i got a text from him reminding me of the exact number of his bdays that we spent together... and how he misses those good times. These are times in my life that i can look back to and still feel good about. Today, he belongs to someone else. Even the thought of that FEELS GOOD.

That 2 years later... then came the next one. I was prepared with the idea of falling again. And i did... with the familiar... with someone who was practically at arm's reach. Someone who was stubbornly around. Little did i know that the brief introduction would end with 4 years of yet another "really-almost-there-but-still-never-quite" kind of relationship. A sequel to the first, it felt like i was cursed. Twice. They say misery loves company. In this case, company loves misery. We both had good and bad times but it amazes me even to this day how we simply got over our hurdles. I have to give him credit for that. I guess that's the beauty of having someone like him around. No matter how intense the fights got, he always managed to cough out humor in everything. Sadly though, when the seemingly most painful throb made it harder to breathe, another hurt came along. Then he will come around to make things alright again. He made me realize my inner strengths, my pillars that were my best friends, and most of all, it was with him that i learned there were lessons... that lessened the pain. Unfortunately, in this world of uncertainties and where everything is in hindsight, i just had to go by what i feel. Thus, my FAVORITE MISTAKE. Who got me bad. How do you know that someone is the one... or NOT the one? I still dont know but there were times when I was a lil bit angry, a lil bit tired, a lil bit fed up... all my 'a lil bits' didnt manage to roll into one big reason to let go. That's when my so-called blind faith made me stupid. That's when sprucing up someone dug up a scar under my skin... and stayed there for good. Someone whom i thought will be a lifetime in my heart is now a lifetime in memory. We remain friends to this day... because it's nice to have room for someone who will remind you of who you really are and 'feel' appreciated for what you've become. Because it still is comforting to know that no matter how cracked up we all seem to be sometimes, it's still a good guarantee that when we wake up, we have someone we call, a friend.

That in between every beginning and ending, there were others who made my heart beat. Until of course, one wanted to be a priest, one had a girlfriend and some others weren't just interested in the same level. Or most often than not, i wasnt exactly interested either. I cant have someone who doesnt belong to me. simply put.

That today, i remain waiting for the right one to come along. If you thought i had it easy, this letter will help you count my years. If by any chance you read this letter, then you'll know that my heart will never be as safe and whole as it was before. It was already broken even before you get there. i still would like you to have it. all of it. I am so sorry if i'm not exactly the most careful person, but I am praying we both will be. hopefully soon. It took me a while to get the pieces back altogether, a longer while to finally dredge up the courage to give my heart away once more.... and the longest, just to get you here....

They say love makes it all worth it. MAYBE. especially if i didnt know better then but get my heart broken... if only that leads me to YOU, at the bottom of my heart!

JANUARY 2005

2005-01-30T19:06:00.000+08:00

31/jan/05

it's been a while.
i have not the exact words to post. another month is going by, briefly so.
today is yvette's bday. one of my best friends indeed. as she spends the weekend with russel and his side of friends in tagaytay, i celebrate in memory of how great it's been having someone like her around. until of course, russ came along and the package just got bigger! among all my best friends, yvette is most likely the type to understand me and my issues, even before i know it. she's the one i see the least but when we spend time together, it's just like we didnt miss a thing. it's different how things have been but the friendship just gets better. bechang, i meant it when i said that i am truly grateful for your continued presence in my life... and i dont want you anywhere else. you got the best in the life, now should we start counting again? but little did you know, i got even better... (better than best!) cause i got you and our friendship. happy bday!

ej. it's been a longER while. i never knew you'd be back soon only to leave sooner... it is always my pleasure to see an old trusted friend. sometimes i forget what it means to be a good friend, until someone like you bounces back. then i remember. i am truly sorry for the times i missed. i had to say what i said... and am even glad to help get some thorns off your chest. finally, you wrote another song... 6 years and it really is about time. we miss that gift. we will miss you even more. no matter how long you'll have to stay in the US, just remember, you have friends to come home to here in manila. my promise. no goodbyes... only see you soon! have a safe trip my star!

the things i cannot write about for now, i will have to save for a better time. there's just so much to FEEL right now. another letter is coming up...soon!

The Letter "I" in S-I-NGLE....Again!

2004-12-22T22:48:00.000+08:00

22nd of December. 2004.
1044pm

It IS the season of the year; the time feared by most singles. "Most" doesnt have to include me though.

Christmas is here again and my someone isnt. Not yet.

After a series of hostings for a couple of friends who tied the knot just this merry month alone, it was impeccable to feel the impact of their new titles to my seemingly unchanging "single 28-year-old-always-the-host-or-the-bridesmaid-never-the-bride status". NO. i ain't complaining. Not yet.

It's a perfect time to look back and see why i remain to be in the battlefield of being single. It remains a choice. I've been hooking up lately with friends from all sorts... those who have settled down and literally settled for who was around; those who carry on the torch for singlehood; and even sat down with those who experience the absence of commitment in their lives, for the fear of it.

Being single means I still have that CHOICE; that i have my own time and am not pressured by the mere fact that most my friends before and after this age have found their significant others. Being single carries with it a substantial amount of courage to say NO, to who is conveniently at arm's reach; to say it is okay to be on my own for as long as i desire than be in the arms of some prick and regret it the morning after. Being single binds you to your principles, rooted from self-respect and dignity, and in the strongest of all faith that if it wasn't the last person who got away, then there is "someone else" out there. I am not a bad fruit that someone will discount in the end. On the contrary, i am reserved best for the one who patiently waited in line-- the one spared from the unfaithfulness of men, from battery, or from the prison of miserable confinement with someone you would rather regret being with. Being single means you can walk out of any lousy party without the thought of being an uncooperative "half" of someone who would prefer to stay; to share a corner with friends who would willingly celebrate even over water, like it's the best drink ever! Being single proves that i haven't stopped trying, even after a hard fall, even after a bruised and broken heart. Being single means i am taking MY TIME, to live life to the fullest with all the beautiful possibilities of meeting the one I've chosen BEST in the end; that I am taking MY BEST care of who to give my heart to next time; of who to spend my lifetime with; of who to walk down the aisle with, with the faces of all my friends lighting up in genuine pride and happiness - a clear guarantee that i have made the RIGHT choice; with the hand of my father not shaking in fear and distrust when he hands me over to him, and with my heart in good shape. before, after and all days in between.

Being single means not having to say goodbye to someone - someone who doesnt exist YET.

Being single means my hands are free to cuddle my nephew and niece, hug my mom and do high fives with daddy because both left and right aren't too busy with someone else's. YET.

Being single means enjoying the excitement or sudden rushes of hopes each and everytime i get a text, a MMS, or a call from someone who tickles my fancy... and being reminded that i am capable of feeling every heartbeat of it.

Being single is a gift, that's meant to be shared... in the same way i am able to share my time to those who are most important to me, without guilt of neglecting someone else.

Today, i keep my chin up in celebration of this gift with the hopes that it touches another heart out there.

BUT SOMEDAY... one day, I will get married.
HAVE the merriest of all HOLIDAYS everyone!

ALL i WANT for CHRISTMAS

2004-12-22T20:46:00.000+08:00

3days before CHRISTMAS
0841pm

... is an original MISSY HIGGINS album... which i believe isn't available here YET. sob, sob, sob... and if i may push it??? A NEW 'SOMEONE' (giving me that album? WHY NOT!?). HO! HO! HO! Now it isnt too much to ask for is it huh, dear ol' St. NICK!?

I've been nice. promise.
THEa (winks).

DECEMBER 2004

2004-12-02T20:07:00.000+08:00

02/dec/04

I am officially nocturnal.
With my new shift for the month of december, my day begins at 3pm and ends by midnight. I still wake up at around half past 7am and spend the rest of the morning tossing and turning in bed or... forcing myself back to dreamland. (i can get used to the longer slumber hours.) either way, my quilt and pillows provide the best company. MY NIGHT LIFE.

super typhoon just arrived. the whole of makati city is clean by 8:03pm. unbelievable. as the texts keep on coming, i dunno if i should officially be scared. the winds are expected to go as strong as 240kph before dawn strikes. hmmm... and where will i be? either i make it home safely or i take up ula's offer to sleep at ron's with them. or check in a hotel here in makati as jenny suggested. (ias pays for it of course!) good thing i always keep my handy sleepover sets in mat. i might just use 'em tonight. MY UNEXPECTED SLEEPOVER... or MY BRAVEST TRIP HOME. we will see.

i had a very interesting exchange of thoughts with gul last night. it definitely is refreshing to hear another's point of view. unexpected but welcome indeed. soon enough, i feel like i am going to get another dosage of spontaneous 'homily' from a new friend. MY NEW MORRIE.

nana and i have been in touch lately... in the end, when i think of those other friends i loved, but lost... and remember how nana and i managed to keep the torch burning for our friendship, it really ain't bad after all. MY ONE TRUE FIND.

mom and ate went with me to the Heaven Sent Bazaar at the Fort last weekend. i missed trisha, maritel, fivos and michelle who went earlier in the morning. KENJI and PAZY, a couple/both models, were such sell outs! there goes the history of my new "HOT MOMMA" shirt. haha! If you can't be IT... wear it. winks. i really had fun talking to them and so i returned the favor with a humble purchase. MY NEW SHIRT.

a holiday. 29th nov. busy busy day. i was out of the house by 745am. aimee and i spent 8 hours in the salon... don't bother asking why. then i dashed off to urban spa in shangri-la to use the GCs nana generously gave me (they put the aaaaaaaah in spa....indeed!) and made it to my derma in megamall. WHEW! I am so done.... and proud of myself for keeping up with all my appointments! 'MY' DAY.

check-up on my christmas list. aimee found the reality of my wish... even before i asked for it. haha! chin is back on the right track. (darn proud of her!) cas accompanied me to roadstar fort 2 weeks ago and... tadaaaa!!! bought mat a cd player. finally huh? i also had him checked at Servitech Antipolo. i made new friends there...again. Victor and Jun. Mat's new (and hopefully permanent!) caretakers. Ka Fred (now i call him NINONG! in an imposing way) the manager was bending over backwards to give me a discount from the estimated bill that seemed to have went through the roof. thanks to the 2 guys... i dunno exactly what they did but hey!!! BIG BOSS is still the greatest! MIRACLES DO HAPPEN. without any doubt. my sister is doing well with her pregnancy. YAYA is gaining weight. MY EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

as for the cliffhanger question... HAVE I FOUND MY SOMEONE?
i dunno.... BUT I STILL BELIEVE.

An 'ALTERNATIVE' Letter

2004-11-23T07:49:00.000+08:00

23/nov/04
From the movie Before Sunset - "memories are good, if we only don't have to deal with the past." From my heart - "these songs are good, if we only don't have to deal with them at present."

Have you ever marinated yourself into the lyrics of a few of the alternative songs we have around? i believe they haven't been getting enough credits, lyrics-wise, that is. i personally havent paid a considerable amount of attention to them...(thanks to the mushy and easier- listening tunes of gabrielle huh?!) yeah! it would usually take a nanagirl to email me lyrics of songs i would usually claim i don't know of, for me to actually reconcile the tune to the amazing lyrics. how 'alternative' are they? well, go figure... to me though, they make the 'next best thing' to writing a letter myself. as there basically is not much time to write these days... let these songs do the telling. i dont really mind. now hum along to these tunes and hmmm... i'm sure you wouldn't mind yourself.

++IF I AM by NINE DAYS++
So you're standing on the ledge
it looks like you might fall so far down
or maybe you were thinking about jumping
Now you could have it all if you learn a little patience,
But though i cannot fly i'm not content to crawl...

If I am another waste of everything you dreamed of
I would let you down
If I am only here to watch you as you suffer
I would let you down.

++EVERYTHING YOU WANT by Vertical Horizon++
She's everything you want
She's everything you need
She's everything inside of you that you wish you could be.

She says all the right things at exactly the right time
But she means nothing to you and you don't know why.

++YOU'RE A GOD by Vertical Horizon++
I gotta be honest
I think you know
We're covered in lies and that's ok.

There's somewhere beyond this, no,
But i hope i can find the words to say...
NEVER AGAIN, no, NEVER AGAIN.

I've been unable to put you down
I'm still learning things I ought to know by now.

Never again, no never again.
Cause you're a god and i am not
and i just thought that you would know
You're a god and i am not
And i just thought that i'd let you go.

++THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME by Nickelback++
It's not like you to say sorry
was waiting on a different story
This time i'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
To the bottom of every bottle
Scream
ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?

This is how you remind me
of what i really am....

++PUSH by Matchbox 20++
I dont know if i've ever been good enough
I'm a lil bit rusty and i think my head is caving in
I don't know if i've ever been really loved
by the hand that's touched me
I feel that something's gotta give and
I'm a lil bit angry...

I wanna take you for granted
well i will....

She said i dont know why you ever lied to me
you're a lil untrusty
when i think that the truth is gonna hurt you
I dont know why can't you just stay with me
can't stand to be near me...

++JUMPER by Third Eye Blind++
Wish you would step down from that ledge my friend
Cut ties from all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I will understand

Everone has a reason to say
Let's put the past away...

these are but a few people... just a 'few.'
Gotta go back to work or i might end up looking for 'alternative' jobs... teehee!
see you all around.

NOVEMBER 2004

2004-11-07T19:53:00.000+08:00

17/nov/04
havent written in a while... hmmm... 10 days- that's quite long for me. my weekend was an easy one. finally had the chance to spend quality (dancing!) time with yvette (i miss you more and more!), russ (shake that booty! uh-huh!) and sun cellular folks last friday at dream bar 6750. it was great to bump into good ol' people as well. harry - same old good old huh?! buttercup will never be the same w/o you popping up in my scene... dancing at that, whew! fritz - thanks for keepin me in good company. had a not-so-healthy dinner with family (pigging out on crispy knuckles!) but a hearty talk with chin. as promised. i was able to sneak into ada's sweet slumber. looking great people! i will write a good one soon. take it easy y'all!

7/nov/04
my schedule has been quite a turmoil lately. there is so much to do, so little time. i can't imagine how it would even turn out to be as soon as new shifts at work are implemented. Whew! I guess that doesnt have to wait long. i'll be on the 1200H-2100H shift this week, back to 0730H-0430H the week after til month-end and then 1500H-0000H shift for the whole month of december. let's see how it goes. i would have to live my work-life a week at a time.

it's funny how events in my personal life have taken another remarkable shift while the rest of my life takes a whooping motion right before me. it's true i guess what they say, as one part of your life grows, another breaks into pieces. ironically so. let's say i have finally dredged up the courage to say what i was feeling all along all this time. sometimes, we look for that saving grace from the people we meet or the things we do, when actually, the answer is just right under our noses.... in my case, it was at the very core of me. deep down. friends have been VERY supportive though. no explanation was necessary. that's the beauty in my friendships. they let me just do what i feel without having to explain WHY. that itself is liberating. no wonder it has always been easy for me to GROW. so i guess i would have to do just the same. PAY it forward so to speak. let my other friends grow.... in their own terms at their own pace; to cut them loose and let them go. in the meantime, it's best to 'rest in pieces' (nans, i told ya i love this line!)... you just gotta learn to love yourself, in whole or even in pieces... and trust me, you might be surprised who remembers you one day and attempts to get you ALL BACK together again.

When BIG G closes a door, HE opens a window (aight ula?)... and i am liking the view so far. If nana (and the rest of my best friends) are 'hopeful'... i remain 'hoping' in this one. no one really knows but in life where everything is in hindsight, hoping can be a very good start... and i know myself well enough to know it's enough, for the meantime.

A Letter to our ANGELS

2004-10-31T22:30:00.000+08:00

31/oct/04
0908pm

YOU.

Maybe it seems timely to be writing this during the very time we commemmorate 'the unseen.'
Tonight i write in silence.

I woke up in horror (and disbelief!) wishing it was just a nightmare that i was seeing mom in tears beside my bed. her words? 'paolo (my nephew) needs to be confined in a hospital...' he had high fever the other day and terrible headache that wont seem to subside. lab results are out. his wbc (white blood cells) count soared high up to 22,000. (normal level is bet 5-10,000). Dra. Leyva her pedia, was alarmed over the diagnosis that she immediately wanted paolo to see a specialist. It wasnt dengue, typhoid .... we are seemingly down to ruling our meningitis. (inflammation/bacterial infection of meninges- any of the three membranes that envelop the brain and spinal cord). The scary part is, i was almost as useless as a vegetable, lying in my bed, dead tired from so much work lately... and there i was, confronted by a situation, that practically paralyzed the remaining working nerves inside me. SO THIS IS HOW IT FEELS. when you are on the verge of having someone you love at the very core of danger, you just forget. you forget your own cares, your worries, your weaknesses, your very self. i almost died just looking at mom and hearing her voice crack. it's not like everyday that we put up against a crisis like this.

ate and mom were worried that kuya john is still at work. there was nobody left to drive them to the hospital but me. CHILDREN'S MEDICAL CENTER. east avenue. the mere sound of it was my very own fear factor. I was never keen on going, (driving!) to places i am less familiar with. that was just my minor concern. driving for 3 members of my family who are all at the height of emotional turbulence just got the best of me. i tried myself to hold it all up. i had no choice. i paused in prayer thinking there could at least be someone out there who would be able to help. i called larry (my good friend, a resident at medical city) first. incidentally, he's also one of paolo's ninongs. he gave me a long list of intstructions on what to do..and a longer list of cities and streets just to get to the hospital w/o delay. paolo's condition had to be battled with antibiotics soonest. for the first time in my life, i was getting absolute mental block. i cant get the directions right. for another first time in my life, i had to console myself with the 2 words i hate the most, BAHALA NA.

the moment i opened my eyes, they fell on the set of pictures of my friends which i use to adorn one of my drawertops. like an answered prayer, i saw jason's face. i had to dredge up the thick skin and face to phone him. it's been a while since i last saw anyone of my best friends. this however, was a no brainer i guess. paolo's life is on the line. twas tita baby who picked up my call. jason's out. then i heard myself saying it again, BAHALA NA.

i didnt get out of the house composed. the moment i got to the foot of the stairs, i broke into tears looking at my mom and dad praying over paolo. i could hear the weak sighs of paolo in between my mom's pauses. even yaya held on to maimai tightly, also in prayer. i cant imagine how my sister was able to keep it all together, despite all that. i could say, for that brief moment, i saw her at her strongest.

i was unusually quiet while getting out of the village, driving. i couldnt seem to reconcile my rattled state of mind, with my emotions in turmoil. dammit. i didnt know where i was going! it took one long breath to finally regain my strength. BIG G cannot abandon us now. there will be HIS way i said. right as i was about to exit siete media, crossing the main road to sumulong highway, across bankers where jason lives, i got a text from him. he asked what was goin on. i was trying hard to verbalize the 'situation' w/o meaning to sound panicky or distressful so as not to sort of oblige a friend to do me a favor. a big one this time. all it took was for me to say, 'we're rushing paolo to a hospital, but i dont know the way.... i was gonna ask for directions...and... " then goes jason cutting in, "nasan na kayo?" "i said, almost past your village." his final words then? "nasa basketball court lang ako ng bankers, hintayin mo ko." then it all happened fast.

even tita baby was supportive of us. i apologized for the inconvenience. without wasting any second, jason took the driver's seat and got directions from me (as i was told by larry and nina) along the way. as we found our exit from masinag to marcos highway, i cannot imagine the hurdle we were then up against. cars were congested which forcibly transformed a 4-lane highway to a 6 to 7-lane pandemonium. or so it seemed. HANEP. there were even accidents alongside the main road. people were forcing their way to wherever. UNIMAGINABLE. jason was left with no other choice but to take the nasty turns and cuts. those kind of skills one doesnt exacly learn in a driving school (which by the way i didnt even care to finish...; those skills which make migs lose all prim-and-properness when he takes passenger's seat. my driving last wed. is cheap stuff migs! the 'pro' was with us!) amidst it all, he would inject in a lil' of his humor from time to time assuring my mom that we will get there and things will be okay- exactly what one needs when emotions are high.

when we reached the hospital, (which didnt even look like it, in an impressive way) Dr. Jimmy Santos was nowhere to be found. we were left with Dr. Jose Robles, a neurologist who happened to be the very doctor paolo's pedia was initially looking for but was unable to contact. the rest was history. we were prepared to have paolo admitted into the hospital last night. mom was more relaxed, and kuya & ate relieved to see paolo getting his first shots of antibiotics through dextrose. it was past 10pm already when the profile and prelim tests were done. jason waited patiently at the receiving area (w/o dinner) as i managed to check on him, mom and my nephew like a doctor doin the rounds. even at this time, larry remained in touch, checking on every step we went through. at this time too, the trusty ones were texting and calling - ting, aimee, yvette, nina, ula and trisha. the support was just overwhelming. we left the hospital with new friends (you know how i am with people!), in good faith that we are leaving my nephew in good hands, and even in the BEST hands of the BIG G... Dr. Robles was not even alarmed. Paolo just had to undergo tests. if he gets high fever again, he would have to get this fluid from the spinal cord and recommend a city scan. the worst!

i didnt feel any hunger (surprisingly!). jason, mom and i had dinner half past 11pm. jason consoled my mom over family matters, while i was giving updates to ninong larry, titos and titas (of paolo!)

the moment i woke up this morning, i texted my sister to check on paolo. negative on fever; cbc was normal. he only vommitted once. with the rest of the other tests done, Dr. Robles suggested for paolo to be take medication and monitoring in our own home. the level of infection went down from 22,000 to 10,000. the sound of it made me think of how miracles happen in GOD's fastlane. we have bottlenecked highways but sometimes, we forget his HIGHWAYS. 'HIS'WAYS.

Paolo found comfort in my room this afternoon. soon enough, ate maco followed and mother and child fell asleep. i was left squatting in the living room until they woke up for dinner. Paolo still gets very mild headaches from time to time. Hopefully, the medicines do him well this week while he remains under medication. To the sustaining guidance of the Giver of life, thank you once more. To my LIVING angels... you know who you are. thank you for being THERE.

Sometimes, certain situations just prove to be unbearable. be it a moment or a torturing week, we get past these moments because there is Someone who watches us closely. So close, that HE even sends us ANGELS. Even angels drive cars, call your mobile phone, send you text messages....

But w if and when you get as lucky as i have been (and still am!) ... you even see these angels in FLESH.

THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE. You just have to believe.

O.K!

2004-10-31T22:28:00.000+08:00

Your PRAYERS made me well! THANK YOU po. Love, PAOLO.

A Letter to Santa

2004-10-24T13:40:00.000+08:00

62 days before Christmas.
Santa.

Who says i'm too old to believe?

I refuse to let 'age' kill my urge to write you a letter. perhaps it stems from this unsatisfied craving that i have deep down. that same feeling you get when you just try to ignore the light and crisp air in the morning until it blows away a strand of your hair against your cheek. YEAH. i would have to say it started with the feel of cool december breeze in my hometown. i am brought back to the moment when everyone is set in that lovely season's mood. CHRISTMAS.

I just realized, it's either my memory fails me or i never really wrote you a letter - not even back when i was a kid. so for the heck of adding it to my 'been-there-done-that-list,' let it be known to all who will come across this page of my blog, that i too, wrote to dear st. nick! at age ... 28.

Gather your elves and call Mrs. Santa as well, ol' jolly man! Here's my own christmas wishlist! Are you wearing your glasses right? winks!

***cd player for mat (postponed, overdue, held out -i've done all that. hay.) paid credit card bills (or should i ask this from Oprah?), milk rebonding (who said one stops being vain at christmastime?), a baby tee (or any apparel) with just a letter T printed in the middle (Tommy Hilfiger makes 'em but i didnt see one even when i was in the US)... i would have bought the T-girl cologne if i was desperate. Tgirl - Thea girl!? what else!?) Olive Body Oil mist from Body shop (mine's almost down to less than a month's use) new jeans!***

Hmmm... ya know what? it took me about 15 mins to finish that paragraph. Apparently, i dont think i want them that bad. Otherwise, it would have been as easy as typing out a, b, c... If you noticed, i'm not pretty much fit to be ms. material girl. my short list proves so. Sorry if i wasted your 3 minutes there Santa.

Here's a revised list: All i want for Christmas.... begins here.

I want the cyst in ate maco's right ovary regress and disappear totally. I need Big Boss to do a repeat performance of what He did to my own cyst. I want ate to have a healthy 3rd baby, as adorable as mai-mai; as smart as paolo.

I want kuya john to be a much BETTER husband to my sister, a BETTER father to his kids and most of all the BEST son-in-law he can be to my parents. once he's become all that, he will eventually be the only yet BEST brother i can have. ever have.

I want to take mom and dad out on a real vacation. Not like our usual sunday or weekend getaways but a real one, that will make them forget their age, or who knows even their names?

I want yaya to be healthier. Maryjoy (her daughter) to finish school without any delay. I want them to stay with us. for good. forever.

I want ting to finally be able to tell who about who. (i cant even say it here.) if i have to lose you to that pending petition, then so be it. your happiness comes before mine.

I want aimee to make THAT delayed decision. I'm not sure if it's what's gonna make her happy but i know it will start another BIG change in her life. a change is a start, right?

I want yvette to live back in antipolo so i can see her often. More than that though, i want her to finally 'forget and be unaffected.' I want her to gain weight.

I want trisha to go out with men. start dating. I wanna see that excited smile on her face; to have her tell me she's met someone (or do i have to carry this over to next year's christmas list?). Who am i fooling? I want trisha to be in the best state of health. Tita Nina, cas, wends and the whole family included. They've been the VERY best family to me outside my own. (mind the similar euro plates!) winks!

I want jason to be who he wants to be. be with who he really wants to be with... whatever being happy means to him.

I want aids back in our lives. I just want him to be reminded of so many things. Or am i assuming wrong? I'm not sure. I just want to have the same ol' aids around.

I want for catt & calvin (to stay happy together), pam (find that job and that man who will keep her best!), penny (ron! ron! ron!), liv (have a healthy baby!), lea, bam, joice, inzo, migs.. and the rest of the floojees (they know who they are) who are my friends to stay in my life and have them around for many christmases to come.

I want to always have the happy mood hovering above office air.... i want ula to be eternally happy with her doogs, bond more with her, and momoy even; get to know twinx more; for tess to finally settle down maybe? whatever they want! give it to them please? they're important to me too. I want jojo and his family, esp the kids, to be healthy, not sickly; and eric to be straight. hehe. (can't go on doing the swinging forever dude!) and jenny, her peace of mind. julie to eat more! i want maritel to be completely well, and for her to be happier with the man she loves, tiny. i want angie to have the BEST, (whatever that is! whoever that is!) just the way she is to me. i dunno what else to wish for people i spend most of my time with.

I want to spend more time with nana. I miss that.
I want the ol' times with dindin. I miss that too.
I want to see charry.

I want chin to heal; for her to see that life is good and not having things her way will NOT change that. It's tiring for her to put up with same old stuff that bothers her or to take crap from people... but it's pointless (most tiring actually) to rant and whine over them.

I wanna see more people. I wanna give myself second chances... to forgive myself, for all the things i did or said that made me toss and turn in bed on certain times; that made me almost slip away on the verge of getting into BIG messes... (but ain't BIG G good?!) i wanna be more than okay ( it's been quite a long while). i wanna adopt a street kid on christmas (if only my financial resources would allow it, i'd keep the kid for good, but.... one little thing at a time at this point.)

I am truly grateful for what has been given to me santa. all year-round. One of these days though, before, during or after christmas, i hope to find reason for all the things in my wish list for NOT happening or otherwise. If my thoughts consume me or work eats up my time casting me to absolute preoccupation, i may not notice their coming true. so thanks.

With all this and that granted, i will force myself to be a naughty, lil kid to impose on being rather selfish at christmastime. I just want my SOMEONE.

Wouldn't it be nice to be naughty sometimes?

With much anticipation....
Thea.

OCTOBER 04

2004-10-04T14:23:00.000+08:00

VACATION's Over?!!

so many people to see, so lil time. no worries. even after this week, I WILL MAKE TIME. my new feel-good song: FRIDAY, IM IN LOVE by Dryden Mitchell (from the OST of 50 First Dates). Yes, needless to say, I am in love...with LIFE and the entirety of my imperfect existence. things do not go 'my way' all the time, but despite that? there is absolute clarity, that... it's NEVER difficult to smile (and dance to a good tune like this one!) because 'my way' will NEVER be just the ONLY way.

even when it rains on the day you wanted to bask in the sun, you simply look up and let the raindrops tickle your cheeks... and ENJOY it "just the same." (and love yourself MORE for it!)let it make you feel good. BECAUSE LIFE IS. (just sharin... )

04/oct/04: maritel, angie and trisha...thanks for calling mom to greet her. as i said, she is OLD and... BLUSHING. i am however... more than overwhelmed.

03/oct/04: tita mayette with my 2 cousins had lunch at home. thanks for the bonding tita! you never fail to make mom feel better all the time, which i do appreciate with a bloated heart. the surprises never fail to stun me. KL808 flight got delayed. whew! i did need to be 'worked up' so i didnt mind at all. aside from phonecalls from bombay agents (wknd e!), there was so much to do. Winnie and Jones from the airport were so much cooperative. s'all good! best friend yvette and russ visited in the evening. we had dinner together. promise, PR night next time! (P-asta and R-ibs!) p lang muna, for Puchero (spell!?). Bechang. i love your bday gift for me... see? i can't seem to stop saying that to you. hmmm.. something to parade on my next date perhaps? oh you bet! mom said 'bagay kayo.' so there you go bech. APPROVED (with a big smile on her face).

02/oct/04: busy the whole day working on laptop duty. gosh! it's been a while too. SAT. night out with aimee, marvin and brionne. we had dinner at mannang's - thanks for the dinner treat you guys! chilled out at decades metro walk. thank you for making me 'parallel park' ha brionne!!? seriously, thanks for the 'potato thing.' sweeeet. you're all my weekend delight. seamless and plain relaxed moment with good people. really. I HAD A GREAT TIME. guess who got home almost the same time i did. 2am! HILARIO! haha. he was getting out of the garage when i saw him. i was sober, as usual and he was... hahaha, still selfish (as usual too!) to have us (his girl buds) go out with his guy/doctor-friends. boy oh boy!

01/oct/04: mom's 'recognized' bday. (baptismal cert. shows 4oct though!) spent the day with her. no one else. :) thanks for the greetings ula and aimee!

A Letter to my Mom

2004-10-01T21:56:00.000+08:00

1/oct/04
Mom.

Do you remember the last time i've written you a letter? I dont.
It may have been blessing in disguise since we both learned the art of "talking"... so i ain't complaining. i always loved our 'sessions.' however, i missed this - writing to you.

i remember when i was 3 years old and you told me i was curious to try eating grapes that when we passed by a stall with those fruits for sale, i coyly asked... "mom, are those what people call grapes?" you said, "yes." we walked past the stall already when i said... "sayang, gusto ko pa naman tikman." without hesitation, you pulled me back to the stall and gave in to my 'hints.'

i remember the time i poked my classmate with my umbrella for teasing me in grade school. you were upset but defenseless when you met up with his mom (who's then your friend) and the school principal. innocent as we were then, you had to answer to the crime i committed. Brave.

i remember the time i returned all the letters of the first man who broke my heart. i found you sleeping on a mattress on the floor next to my bed when i woke up in the middle of the night and i asked why you were there. you said, i might need some company; that i might have to ask you to pick up the phone in case he calls.

i remember the time i had myself checked at St. Luke's for my cystic right ovary and how i vehemently kept you from going to the hospital with me. the tension in your face and those tearful eyes that you thought you'd be able to hide... i knew they were there until you rose once again to be the epitome of undying faith. 2 months without even having to take medication, the cyst was gone.

i remember the time i delivered a speech in front of the graduating high school class 2004 from my alma mater and the way you held ate's equally cold hands, thinking i might forget what to say. i didnt. :)

i remember the increasing times i reach home to tell you i got hit or had minor accidents with mat and you would only dismiss my worries everytime you'd say, "tapos na yon e."

i remember the few times i found you crying asking yourself why ate and i made certain mistakes in our lives and had to remind you in return, that those were outside your responsibilities, or dad's. they never made you less of a parent to erring children.

sometimes, even if i wonder why i can't have who or what i want in life, and i remember you... it only takes a brief moment to realize once again, that i have been given the BEST.

to that one person (aside from dad) who never failed to love us back - my best friend, my mentor, my inspiration, my always-worried-& will-never-sleep-until-i-get-home-late-night-out-partner, my pasta-fanatic-mate, my mom...

YOU are the most beautiful reason why i am alive, and why i survive. I LOVE YOU with all my being. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Letters to my 'Vacation Partners'

2004-10-01T21:53:00.000+08:00

So i didnt leave the country.Here are missives to people i chose to spend my annual almost-month-long vacation with. Unlike a new destination, i am taking a trip back to the 'old and familiar' this time.

Sept. 29/Wednesday: got hit by a speeding tryk along ortigas. bumper almost completely got detached from mat's body. good thing i was close to shell. thank you arthur and company! no wonder the car behind me was honking horn. 2 traffic officers also asked me to pull over to serve me traffic obstruction ticket. globe cut my line only because the payment wasnt posted in time. not my fault clearly. what a night! i was almost caught beating the red light. well okay. id say honest mistake. the light was orange for pete's sake! well, a little more plea here and there and i got my way out of the mess. met up with Don. half-brit acquaintance from not so long ago. finally. San Francisco Coffee in Libis. See don? told ya i 'easily forget.' all it takes is a decent invite. it was nice seeing us both get 'past the awkward past'.

Sept. 26/Monday: drove the whole afternoon for mom. so happy for her though...she got her painting. so happy for me too...got my new swimwear for pearl farm escapade with officemates. it was love at 1st sight and nina would be proud of my purchase im sure. nins! it's that set we love! hehe.

Sept. 25/Saturday: imagine? didnt make it to cas' bday bash. bummer. feet too tired from driving. mat needed a bath so i went when i knew no one else was gonna be there...at the height of noon. yeah there was only one car... 'ser' ni aids. hehehe. of all people to see and bump into. it's that one person close to me that i havent seen in ages. awkward moment but we were able to chat for maybe 5 mins. i hope to see you again aids....and with everything clearer in ur head as well. evening. attended healing mass with family at the antipolo cathedral.

Sept.23/Thursday: put on my night-out get up, pick up aims, pass for jason at galleria and off too...the JAM listeners' party at BGs makati as i promised migs, catt, penny, pam, and the rest of the floojees. it was GREAT to see ol' friends... dan, bambam, louise, myron...all the JOCKS well except lambert... i wonder where he was! the event was a big hit. well-attended i must say. Good for JAM! had late dinner with jason and aims at north park mkti ave. famished! passed for ray and welcomed his bday with one bottle of beer each. hehehe. the usual. hey! we all went home sober. cmon! 1 bottle!? cheers ray! CATT..btw I LOVE YOUR BOOK!

Sept.22/Wednesday: Let the pictures speak... (see Watering Hole entry below) Sept.20/Monday: How to ruin your day: 1. smash your car's bumper into the wall. 2. get a rough estimate of the damage. 3. pay for it. 4. get 1sthand news that one of your best gfs fell down the stairs. 5. have nephew running around the house with sore eyes. How to UNRUIN your day: 1. Count and remember every reason why your day sucks and realize... you're gonna be fine even after ALL THAT. 2. eat more caramel cake (it promotes 'selective amnesia.') WINKS!

Sept. 19/Sunday: I AM ENTITLED to SLEEP. Today, i do just that... oh and head for the drugstore in the evening. a couple of friends of mom and dad had dinner at home afterwhich we discovered.... tadaaaah! migs' right eye is sore. eeeeeghaaaaad some more! but i do pity my nephew. he'll miss school for 3 days max. that is assuming, this medicine we got is the best and is proven to put an end to sore eyes that fast. i dont mind getting it since i'm on leave for now. bummmer huh? well he's in the best hands anyway with mom and ate around. errrr... i can provide for the entertainment! winks!

Sept. 18/Saturday: the household's busy. it's the celebration of mai-mai's 1st bday. had to run off to give mat a bath at rene's then passed by ting's house to get dvd copies of more movies to watch. ate's friends came by lunchtime (it's their party!) and i was left with hours of pigging out on whatever i see edible! eeghad! i've been such a sell-out to food (when was i not!?) anyway, trish and jojo called lunchtime to tell me our office is going to Pearl Farm (davao) for our annual team building / outing this year. alright! that just made my weekend! OH.... that and the caramel cake i just can't stop eating! Tambay night at ray's in the evening with jason, carlo and manny. yeah, i'm officially one of the boys. casper and trish are having their own sessions in alabang. bummer.... cas is right, if only antipolo is much closer..... there is no doubt we are ever gonna sleep! party fever.... Big G is so smart for keeping distance in between. hehe.

Sept 17/Friday: it's MOMMY day. mom is looking for a nice painting (or whatever "house toy" catches her fancy...to adorn the living room main wall. (my only chance to make it sound like we live in a mansion ok?) haha. i drove her to the fort to take her to MCHome Depot. Search unsuccessful. proceeded to Bel-air to pick up bday cake for my adorable niece who just turned a year old. Our ever-fave caramel cake from Costa Brava. YUMMMM. Market! Market! just opened we heard so we decided to take a peak. The mall stalls were not even as appealing as the roasted calf outside. hehe. sorry, i'm always partial to food e! Bumped into willie, edison and joseph of JAM 88.3. Wow. old friends, new venue. it was a brief but really good encounter. it's really been a looong while. That aside, search was still unsuccessful. it's already half past 1 and i promised mom we'll pick up paolo (my nephew) from school and for sure, he will be asking for his usual take-home bag. Lunch at this pasta place at the fort which my famished state just made me forget the name. Pesto or arrabiata.... hmmmm i like spicy this time so, arrabiata!!! mom had fruti di mare. I still am partial to amoroma, but for an empty tummy, anythin is delicious! Paolo will get amazin glaze and peanut butter frost from Gonuts Donuts today. He loves 'em too! On our way home, took side trips to Ever Gotesco and Rustan's express ... still no luck. Told mom i'll take her to a gallery next time. WHATTA joy ride with mom. i didnt even realize my feet were tired until we got home. Dad's busy preparing for his talk for Couples for Christ on saturday. your turn next time ok daddy-yo!?? (he's practicing in front of me as i do this blog entry....) kaya mo yan dad!!! hehe.

Sept 16/Thursday: my first day as an official bum. BUM-bihira! sleeping is LUXURY! visited aimee and forced her to go on isaw-trip with me. Mommy aida thanks for my pineapple snack! Mommy lita... as usual, your bbq specialties and that 'secret sauce'.... are to die for. I spent a 100 bucks eating isaw, bbq and yes even pig ears. I only eat them if prepared and cooked by kuya christian and mommy lita. THE BEEST! (uy! i brought home half of it naman... )

Sept 15/Wednesday: My much-awaited day of the week. Lunch with Nana at Lolo Mao at the Podium. After months of not bein in touch the usual way with the best friend who has influenced me the most, (and who keeps good track of my age which i myself cant!!) it was my best time of the week. we took off where we left off (boys, dates, crushes and the loves of our lives!) only this time, we brought ourselves to the podium not in an aircraft but with mat (my lancer) and vdc (her honda). who would have even imagined we were both gonna end up doing what we dreaded (?) doin before... driving! well, we still dread it, but since there ain't bfs to drive us to our many trips....well self-explanatory. 3-hour lunch seemed to be the shortest get-together for 2 girls who had sagas to tell. it was quite comforting listening to your stories nans. it was like listening to my own w/o the slightest fear of being judged, misunderstood or talked to condescendingly. if there's anyone that keeps us n' sync all these years, "our issues and principles" would top the list. of the many parking spaces at the podium, our cars were even parked almost next to each other and we didn't even know it. (well almost!) that itself says a lot. so.... have you ever thought that there's also great chance that our men are.... good good good friends!??? hahaha. we're still too 'arte' to be golden girls in the making girl! we're just starting to be open....admit it! hahaha. next project: tagaytay vacation house and you and i know who will be lining up.... (who among THEM again?!) i love our new tsinelas!!!! wooohoo!!! shopping with you always prove GUILTless. hahaha. i can't wait til next wed. finally our group will be complete. i miss the other HRA girls too. you and VDC take care always. (uy! could that also be the initials of....) 'NNNNNNNN'ah! (ooops! sorry... my fingers slipped....)

Sept 14/Tuesday: Dinner at Amoroma with officemates and Bernard and eddie from UK/Amsterdam respectively. Cancelled at 1630H. They couldn't get hold of Bernard. I already miss my officemates!!! Uuuuy, miss nyo rin ako.

Sept 13/Monday: it's mat's day. had to bring mat to kuya wendell's shop and get him new washer nozzles. it hasn't been the same w/o those nice blue lights. rented movies too. it's high time for me to catch up on those movies i missed in the big screen. MMM- Monday and Massive dosage of Movies. thanks to kuya weng...and the filmmakers! hehe.

Sept 12/Sunday: my vacation officially starts. Phone rings and jason was on the other end of the line. Jason's finally catchin up in the portrayal of best friend as the only guy who makes it to my BEST SIX list. I knew the moment he asked "kamusta?" that it's goin to be more than a phonecall. So we went out for our not-so-usual-but-guaranteed-to-be-well-spent bonding sessions over our own personal issues (there are only 2: career or lovelife!) It's great to be there for someone when he finally becomes what he wanted to be and painful to see it slowly loosening at the seams unexpectedly. This friendship was 7 years in the making, and at times when everything else in our own lives seem to be falling apart, it's nice to know that we have this friendship to keep us from falling over the edge. (we're both survivors, right?! daym true!) jason, i meant it when i said that between you and me, you get the credits for keeping faith in the friendship. i will never forget the time you threw me off the throne for being "ms. long stories." haha. thank you for now being one of my wingmen. Promise we'll look after each other okay? Sometimes, "one-bottle" is really enough to say what we need to say. Thanks for the reminders. We make most sense when we pick on each other's lives. Agree? haha. we will find it someday 'Son! (it: him, her, and all the wealth in the world!!!) Don't give up on being who you've been trying to be lately. i got your back now.

A Letter to the One that Got Away

2004-09-21T10:14:00.000+08:00

TIME'S UP.
There comes a point in our lives when we just seem full to the brim; that point when we feel we have exhausted attempts to keep someone around w/o submitting yourself to being cheap, or desperate. When it happens, the only decent thing we are all left to do is watch. say goodbye and let him GO.

You came at the perfect time. Unannounced and unexpected but welcome just the same. As brief and fleeting as the encounter was, unfortunately for me, the memory kinda got stuck, somewhere between my head and my heart. This is me now, dealing with whatever's just left because somehow i know, i got to put that one foot in front of the other. I've been putting this one off lately thinking there could still be chance for hope to work a magical transformation of your "prolonged return" to an "excusable delay."

At this point, i dont think "soon" is ever gonna come especially if you've got a multiple list of reasons to hold out on every chance that already came your way. I am not a little girl you can promise barbie doll to only to be given cotton candy later on to hopefully displace an old promise, or the absence of its fulfillment. my acquaintance marc, said that the intention was there. MAYBE. But what good is a will if you can't find any way? my sentiments exactly. ayaw lang talaga. was it too difficult to admit it?

People come into our lives for different reasons. Unfortunately, sometimes, we tend to create our own. When the two ends do not meet, that's when disappointment crawls in with its ugly tail -despair....and God-forbid, we end up right back at where it all started. BROKEN-HEARTED. there goes my number 4. i was nonetheless entertained, so thank you. putting you under that category just deems fit as of the moment. the 'expecting' just got to end somewhere. here... and now.

Sometimes, i wish i knew why. i wish i'm only privy to that head of yours. was i a total give-away? or are you just the same trying to get over someone else? whatever the reason is, i don't (and never will) know so instead, i am simply making it easier. this is your exit door. this is where i just let you "get away." -you and every 'possibility.'- even the mere idea of letting you play pendulum between past memory and future hope seems preposterous in the absence of a present. (that's a nice twist to carrie's own way of saying it, huh?) i just believe that it's quite unfair to be holding out the rest of the world for someone who seems to be comfortable 'waiting' himself. for your sake, i hope it turns out worth the other losses.
------------------
jason said, "it is never easy to forget but it should be easy to do something to forget." so, will the next man step forward please?

andy said, " i never lost a guy because i cannot lose someone i never had." hmmm... so okay, i'm returning someone i just "borrowed."

jamie said, "i dont need another reason to be angry with God." you? a REASON? let's put it this way. you were here only for a SEASON... which apparently is over. see you next year? (maybe that's what you meant by "see you SOON?")

i read someone else said, "the one who got away isnt necessarily the best."Mahala!" (?) one up for the ego-boost!

finally thea says to the ONE that GOT AWAY.... you threw AWAY that ONE chance you GOT.

A Letter to Myself

2004-09-09T02:06:00.000+08:00

09/sep/04
0202am

Today i turn 28. I spent the first 2 hours of my new "year" tossing and turning in bed. The text messages kept me up since midnight. This is it. My day has officially began.

Today i remember the years that "were." It's so amazing how old issues which seemed dramatically relevant to me at a certain time in the past, become so immaterial in the present. That's how it felt. Or still feels. Those many times when i thought life is unfair, or that love is painful. In the end, you see, only leftovers of the "better from the bitter" remain.

Today i remain hopeful. There are many reasons why maybe we can't have what we don't have. Counting starts at... the certainty that there IS something else. or someone else. We all have to move on just the same. Do what we're supposed to do. Deal with all the pain there is, and take another brave "shot." It will never guarantee a "3 point-score" but at least in my heart i know it's supposed to at least bring me closer to my final goal.

Today i celebrate in the image of this person i have become. That itself brings a population of memories that include people who stood by me, no matter what; those others who surprisingly remember another year added to my age; those who may seem to have taken a new role in their own lives - bachelor to husband, friend (back) to acquaintance (or vice-versa), potential boyfriend to "just friend", plain gf to "kumare" and so on. I realize that ties are either those that bind or those that are lost.

Today i become (more) grateful. MOM. DAD. ATE MACO. My top 3. Big G makes sure i get them all-year-round with "sweet reinforcements" on the side. PAOLO. MAI-MAI. (and soon plus one!) YAYA. Then, my SIX "BEST". They know who they are. :)

Today i choose to give back to others what i have been so blessed to receive. (It aint worth getting, if it aint worth sharin!)

Today i review my to-do list: to keep good friends around; to continue my eternal dislike for pink...and eggplants (hardly any effort there!); to lose a few more inches from my girth; to get more sleep (which i am obviously violating this very moment!); to go out with less boys and more men; to be more forgiving (of others and myself); to devote weekends to parents (gets better every weekend!), Sunday mornings to Big G (even when it's hardest to get off bed); to save. (uuuy, wish me luck!)

Today begins.

SEPTEMBER 04

2004-09-03T10:54:00.000+08:00

03/sep/04
"Men are like buses. You sit at the stop and another one comes along." -Diane Farr. Hmmm... have you ever wondered if you "missed" your bus? Ponder on... These are thea's reasons for not lifting her butt off that seat and not hitchin that ride:

1. bus is full. (or should i say... "taken")
2. bus did not stop. AT ALL. (daaaym!)
3. bus is pink. (translation: "gay")
4. bus is heading to the seminary (and it sure is not my schedule for confession YET. hey! what's Big G's is Big G's.... no brainer!)
5. bus had too much "excess luggage."
6. i am waiting for a decent 2-seater car (no 3rd wheels in my relationship please?!) not a bus. THAT IS THE POINT!

AUGUST 04

2004-09-03T10:47:00.000+08:00

31/aug/04
Finally! i have seen 50 First Dates. (thanks for lending me a copy ting!) love it, love it... love it! isnt there any other feel-good-movie to see? eeeghad. the "ber" months are here. i've nothing to write but this. hope this finds everyone well. :)

27/aug/04
i have 3 new pairs of shoes!!! how awesome is that huh??! (now this is how thea-as-vain bimbo-in-the-making sounds) hindi bagay! haha. trisha and tita nina, thanks for my super advance bday gifts. i love 'em! so my trip to the UK and boat cruise have been cancelled. bummer. still, heartwarming to be thought of fondly by UK colleagues though... hey! i have 3 new pairs of shoes!!! ang kulit... when Big G cancels a trip, HE gives you new shoes to go somewhere else. with headbands to go??!! tina & tess, i hope you enjoy urs as well. just sharin pleasant 'blessings.' ya know what i mean! (sabi ko na trisha e! angel ka nga...) hahaha. actually, sister... you're one gift from the BIG G that i get to be grateful for... and the best part is, you're here all year round. a gift for keeps. for good.

26/aug/04
for mikko jizon's sake...hahaha. MIKKO! trisha said you read my blog!? wow. im so touched. thanks! Hey i went malling around with nina the other day looking for those oakley shades that you're getting her. kewl! winks! hope you are ok. how's the BIG apple?

oh well, spent a supposedly nice quiet evening with nina, kaye and jason (bing dropped by!) last night. 'supposedly' because i didnt know RJ was going to be performing at the serendipity lounge of the discovery suites. whew. and just when i thought twas goin to be quiet, i get gruelling hours of homily (only this time, it came with 'cold splashes of not holy but maybe raging waters!) from the girls. pinagalitan ako :( hmmm... issues on my being single (again!) and keeping standards. haay. twas the most tiring argument i had in months! jason i think took pity on me (if not entertained at the sight of 3 ladies exchanging thoughts) for being in hot seat but as i told him, kaye and nina are one of my very good and trusted friends, and with that role comes the authority to do what they did. they are licensed. hehe. points well taken. I do understand where they are coming from, telling me to stop this bad habit of STOPPING at date ONE. (does not apply to all, in fairness!) the thing is, these girls also have FULL knowledge of what ive been through. the fall. the hurt. the pain and most of all, the healing. so just before i promised giving myself a 'short detour' from THE ONLY way i choose to recognize, i told them this simple analogy.

"I saw this blouse hanging nicely from the rack. it was decent, clean and pleasant-looking. thing is, i didnt like the design.... it's just NOT MY STYLE. IT'S NOT ME. put yourself in my shoes, will u waste time to take a look and fit it? ISUSUKAT ko pa ba?" same principle goes with dating. people are given to us for different purposes. different reasons. the same way a blouse (now seemingly becoming my subject? hehe!) will fit customers differently. it doesn't make them (the blouse or the man) of lesser value. hell no! sometimes, i just cant get the perfect fit but it doesnt mean i wont find one. (the same way the blouse will fit someone else perfectly.) it only boils down to what decision makes you happy at the end of the day, and i am (happy). friends just worry too much i guess?! I rest my case.

I will be open to what they suggested, them being my well-trusted (and well-loved by me!) friends. However, i just dont think it should be something i must FORCE myself to doing. that will not actually define, "enjoying the moment", will it? if effortlessly, maybe soon, i will. right now, i just wanna stick to the idea of the man i like. **kung ayaw sa akin, it's my cross to carry. eh di tanggapin. GANUN lang talaga. kung ayaw sa akin, eh di may ibang nakalaan. di ba dapat ganun un?**

The blouse, i can always return or give away to another person who might like it, if i might regret punching in the purchase. emotions, or the heart however, when broken, takes a no-return-no-exchange policy. It's so difficult to UNBREAK a broken heart. I should know. AND saying, "akala ko kasi" will never excuse anyone. MYSELF included.

DARATING din yun. In the meantime, i remain okay. I am overwhelmed by the love i'm getting from my family & friends. That enough makes me eternally grateful to the BIG G-O-D! My man too will come. nandyan lang yan! winks! (diba BIG G!!??)

"when it's up to me, it really is UP TO YOU. " -Everyday Miracles by Sarah Groves. my song!

17/aug/04 i met SOMEONE. well. i thought i did. 'nuff said. NO MORE sad entries. i'm baaaack!

16/aug/04
TWO mistakes. I got a grade of 98 in the final exam for my amadeus basic training course which took place last week. according to rachel (facilitator) my hands on part (70 points in the exam), was perfect (woohoo!) - that is the essential part of the exam so that practically makes up what i've learned in 4 days. my two mistakes were made in the multiple choice section (comprising 30 points) of the exam. HAHAHAHA. see? i'm consistent! I have trouble with choices!!!! no wonder i am never partial to multiple choice type of exams. you make me choose between a, b and c...and i usually ask if there won't be any d. darn right. it's soooo me. well, at least i am living up to the good names of those who came before me. aight now. trisha will start tom with us. whew. 5 years or 6? and my ol' sister from work is back. no one can ruin this week for me. we're starting great this time. woohooo!

15/aug/04
my eyes are swollen from watching too many films today, the most entertaining of which was this film "alex and emma" starred by luke wilson and one of my faves, kate hudson. There were two scenes that quite left a mark in my memory. ONE. emma was telling alex, and i quote, "There's nothing more that what they are. Just take their place in your heart and let it make you smarter the next time." bullseye. TWO. this time, i found myself in the thoughts of the male character alex, who when asked why he's single (WHOA!!! they do that in the movies too!!??? haha!) replied... (aside from the cliche-ish 'i havent found the right one yet' as volunteered by emma) and again i quote:"I am looking for someone smart, funny and good-looking...and the clincher? INTERESTED IN ME. that got me hands down. the screen did seem like a giant post it right in front of me. how true. The scriptwriter??? IS A GENIUS. haha. Enjoy the rest of the weekend everyone.

13/aug/04
"Disappointment stops by from time to time to see how im doing and he came by last night right after you left my life in ruin *** when i dont get what i want the spoiled child inside breaks down kickin, screamin, prayin and dreamin for a love lost and found*** and i dont get what i want from another strangers eyes no and i dont get what i want from another strangers eyes." - Kathleen Wilhoite, "Wish We Never Met" (Lambert played it at the RIGHT time. just what i needed to hear! i never liked this song, until now.) A friend unexpectedly leads u to this shop where she has seen this pair of shoes that you've wanted 'all your life'. it was just exactly how you imagined it to be. you go to shop and finally gets that tummy-upside-down-kinda-feeling... mind screaming "Finally!" .... only to find out, this particular pair on display is not even available for sale. WHAT DO YOU DO? yeah, that's how it feels. right now.

12/aug/04
Amadeus training is over. took the final graded review/exam before lunch. how did i score? hmmm... i will find out next week. my 'momentaries... ' in random order: *emotion: exhausted, bordering on disappointed; *state:in limbo (now i know how it feels); *wanna be: anywhere but here; *wanna do: anything but write this.; *wanna? go out!; *question: must i?; *regret: ate too much all at the same time; feel so bloated (maybe that's causing the exhaustion?!) NAH. *thought: just when you think it is.. it's NOT. time to flip off this page from calendar! aint MY day. sigh... maybe the sad tone gives this blog a different touch. sometimes a situation just gets the best of me. it rarely happens. this adds up to that short list. now. here. me. as i am. *my recent discovery: i can drive through merging and bottle-neck traffic while crying.... and phone glued to my ear. aims. thanks for checkin on me. catt. thanks for patiently 'absorbing.' i'm losing it. well, on the verge of it but almost there.... siiiiiiiiiiiigh.... "when the waiting gets tough, the tough refuses to wait... or hope." that's me alright. for the moment. i can't imagine how affected i am.(and that's what upsets me most!) ghaaaad! charry said, 'wag ko daw isipin.' hmmm... actually, sana hindi na lang binigay. (still a lengthy entry... wala pa sa mood yan...tsk tsk tsk.) i am so marinated in mixed emotions right now but ask me to spell 'today...' and the letters f-r-u-s-t-r-a-t-e-d will top the billing. something my grade one teacher may not be proud of, huh? anyway, ill end it here. literally and figuratively. FAST FORWARD puhleaaaaase???

07/aug/04
i had a nice friday evening warming up ONCE again with good old friends. the floojees. (much as i would love to refrain from branding them collectively.) they have remained precious friends... individually, to me. together, they all remind me of the fun we used to have, now in lesser frequency, but genuine just the same. it only gets better. some things have changed. pam is now into her own private invasion of the corporate world, catt and calvin still very much a couple, but endearing even as separate individuals to me and the rest... and enlarging (for lack of another better term!) doesn't that prove that they are very much 'hiyang' to each other? I swear i wanna hug u both! come here! hahaha. penny stilll as sensible as she ever was. she so much reminds me that age is never about the numbers. migs... i dunno what i did to you buddy! my 'B' character must have rubbed off on you big time. i do like the more 'honest' approach... keep it up. honest only in a sincere way okay? bambam!!! hahaha. you are one surprise package. love the new look girl... and thanks for tagging along joy. migs owes her a 'prospect.' woohoo! eugene and dingdong didnt make it but were in touch. inzo.... is .... dealing with his own "dysfunctions." (winks! sorry...inside joke!) happy bday joice! there... pretty much my own FRIDAY delight. it's always nice to see who have chosen to stay around. like what harry said to me once.... the world shouldn't be 'less jammin' w/o the rest around. last friday, i felt the truth in his statement. once again, my world was complete. whoever thought we will never make it, must be cringing in shame by now. love, respect and sincerity... kept us together in a way, despite the physical absences. FRIENDSHIP did.

I'll start training with amadeus next week (system for Air France). As we kid around in the office, it will be tantamount to learning more than 1000 entries in 4 days. less actually. so this is like a trip "back to the classroom" (and a chance to miss my office??!) for me. mixed emotions..... can't wait to wear jeans and casual clothing that's for sure. woohoo! (Not-so-private thoughts) I am quite drenched in this one possibilty. fear and excitement only silenced by faith. (thank God for His hotlines!) go figure thea. (Song of the moment) "vertigo" by shimoli. Only this time, there's reason to be singing it. Mind the silence for a few days.... but yeah. i will be writing again soon.

06/aug/04
so many run-on thoughts in my mind. i had a very heartwarming talk with mom last night; a very relieving visit to the RCBC chapel and a 'rosy' sight to behold; morning drives prove incomplete w/o my 3 'saintly guests' on board (anne, joseph and therese- literally my fave saints).... i think it will not take a longer while before we are reinforced by jude (for desperate cases?) haha. it's amazing how one encounter can turn things maybe 180-degrees around me. how ONE person could. for the first time in a loooooong time, i could say, i am brought to remembering that feeling i've MISSED. all this time. (details withheld....) for now, i only mean to unload amounts in excess of the unbearably heavy.... BUT good.

02/aug/04
another busy week. i am beginning to get caught up with my own preoccupation. i cant seem to keep up with my own calendar anymore. one more month and a week (to be exact!) and hell yeah...hmmm... ill turn another year oldER. only for the better i promised myself. a new potential male name added to the roster of ... whatever you call them in my life (friendster misfits!?) balanced off by a good familiar face - who would have thought i'd crash into the pic of a gool ol' classmate dolf...well yeah only in friendster!); time well-spent with best friend Ting; good ol' bonding with Ray; and another week of uncertainties. that's pretty much the last of hectic-hood for me. fingers crossed. jason said i have this bad habit of talking too much... must it be taken against me that i have a profound explanation for everything which often translates to verbal diarrhea? hah! look at that sentence! it's his way of saying how 'entertaining' i always seem to be. ----> my way of defending myself positively. hahaha! well, i'll stop here. ----> my attempt to prove that i can write less hence talk less? again, who am i kidding? tragically for the much-ado-about-everything-intolerants, i love being me. well, maybe yeah, it will pay off to welcome a 'friendly feedback.' s'all GOOD.

A Letter for the Girls

2004-09-01T10:25:00.000+08:00

Girlfriends.

Okay. It's clearly about time.
Whether you're on the verge of swinging moods from hormonal imbalance or a plain bad-hair-day; or marinating yourself in the dating category as a 20-something; or who knows? about to tie the knot and make some man's last name shorten yours with a period as middle initial... this one is definitely for you.

Take time to enjoy being who you ARE. Whatever status you carry, it's safe to say that you should enjoy the privelege that the rest of us girls (and ladies!) share. The dates will come and go ('til you find the one who's worth keepin around for good, eh?) The memory of the part-time vocalist/full-time jerk you dated who now makes you cringe in shame upon recall will perhaps never fade away (unlike the fashion that used to amuse you then that you certainly would rather forget now!) Life takes on a different meaning once you have proven that it's never less fashionable to keep your matte lipstick (or keep lips nude) when everyone else wears gloss; or parade down your food and shopping strips with your bottle of water in your hands while the rest loads their weight over their butts sitting down and trying to make themselves look like they really are enjoying their cup of "branded" coffee. Should you be corporate slave or misbehave? Should you outrageously be shopaholic or down-to-the-last-nerve-frugal as a symptom of the hard times... it'll have to be a choice. It never is about what the rest of the bandwagon does. Whatever character you decide to take on, it should only reveal what sets you different from the rest... because you are.

LOVE whoever you're with OR LEAVE. If you are one of those ladies who are lucky enough to have traded off single-blessedness for couple-madness (kidding!) and have successfully gotten share of that scarce resource we call "good men" then good for you! you should be happy the way things are, unless you were in any way coerced or 'influenced' into the relationship by the untrusty 3s: alcohol, good sex (?) or desperation. These 3 aside, it is transparently clear that what you got yourself into stemmed from a decision and only another of its own kind should get you out of it. that's what THEY say. To add fault to the injury that this might cause you, i say, believe in the relationship and be satisfied "AS long AS" you are happy that way. Otherwise, be fair enough, to yourself and your partner and know when it is finally over! (the fat lady will never come to your rescue to sing it's over....) why prolong the agony, esp if the relationship has lost its purpose (the purpose, you have to define of course!) C'mon girls! admit it. we can never spruce up a man. The guy who remained bald right after honeymoon is no different from the man who swept you off your feet years back. Salons were invented to re-do the hair but women were not tailor-made to change men. (in our dreams yes...) you know how much you deserve and if you're getting even a notch less than that? stop whining, keep your pride in tact (trust me... it's the only thing that you should have left, when everything else is gone!) and walk away gracefully. (oh! don't forget to keep him out of 'recycle bin list') there is no way a past beau can give you future. as carrie (SITC!) puts it, there will never be a future when the past is present! so agree.

It's never too late to date. Dating is for the the ageless (hoolah! married ladies need not apply here!) There is perfectly nothing wrong with meeting new people, well, at least for friendship's sake. Romantically however, you have to have good judgment to choose who to go out with. yeah, it kinda adds zest and spirit goin on blind dates but what are the chances that you bring home a good purchase w/o even seeing the good. it's either you get an oversized shirt, a run-on for branded jeans or if your luck just fails you, spoiled cream cheese in your freshly-baked bagel. with a bad date though, even the bagel isn't fresh. (agree?!) the net should not be a good source as well... Diana Farr's Girl code spells the fact. a model-looking hunk will not be spending hours in front of his PC to 'advertise' himself. if not that you are doomed being left with just one truth that exists among NET-men... yeah, that they know how to type. a SET UP by a good friend, by someone who knows you really well should however redeem you from the horrible dating stories. I should know... i've had my not-so-glorious-shares... and believe me, as you add another year to your age, you seem to value how much time you got left! ;) hopefully, it makes you smarter with choices you soon make.

LAUGH. It keeps the 'girl' in you alive. AND SHARE. It makes the "funny" become familiar.

There are just a few things i've been juggling between the 2 sides of my brain this morning that i believe is harmless to share, to my girlfriends or anonymous visitors. It really is worth baking the cake and slicing it too... for the others to enjoy. (lahat tayo tataba?!) Some other thoughts were recently triggered by books i read (and y'know i'm lazy to read!) or movies i saw. Who said informative cant be entertaining?

Hey girlfriends! Just meaning to share with you "my umbrella"... especially on a rainy wednesday like this one!

A Letter to ANYONE (when "IT HAPPENS")

2004-08-02T13:52:00.000+08:00

My new mantra.

When the unexplainable takes place; when there are things my limited understanding cannot grasp or... when i am unable to take control of something, of someone.... this is my NEW way of dealing with it.

We have different ways of defining that "it." A friend who just walked away. Just when i thought she knew me well, i was suddenly misunderstood. Just when i expected her to stay around, she chose to cut her ties with me. Just like that. Now that she even refused to tell me why, i say... it happens.

A friend who got pregnant out of wedlock. By someone i know. Someone who's even close to me in fact. I cannot imagine her fury to have excalated to hit sky-top. I kinda anticipated it already but when it actually happened i found myself speechless over how someone who seemed to have been the most patient of all just loses what she had so much of in the beginning furthermore over someone who's not proven worth losing it all. he failed her. he failed me. he failed himself. we all failed ourselves somehow. sad but yeah, we run short of others' expectations and FAIL sometimes. good thing i've been in that kind of situation myself.... haven't we all? IT DID happen.

Indecent proposal(s?!). Despite the very wholesome and straightforward profile i've put up on friendster that's supposed to create a clear distinction between being friendly and being a whore (isnt there supposed to be a HUUUUUUUGE gap in between?) i get asked to approve casual sex perhaps as easy as clicking on a friend request's approval? it must have been the worst angle taken in one of my 5 photos that gave away that silly hint that i would love to sleep...beside a male with a "hot head" that might not have a purpose better than poking it into a bark of tree with a hole. buster! when did approving you to my list of friends ever equate to "i love you?" nowadays, i guess it's not unusual. it happens. Whoever invented "no" is a GENIUS.

when you get left behind by your flight from boracay back to manila; when the man who used to say he loves you is now dating another woman, or ... sleeping with another woman; when your phone bill doubles the minimum amount due of your 3 other credit cards; when the shuttle you're riding halts along edsa and you're 15 mins-and-a-flat-tire too late in the morning; when you're suddenly sick and tired of the 'usual company'... even if you seem "possessed" to some people for acting out of their seemingly perfect standards.... IT HAPPENS.

why has this new mantra helped me cope up with life's ever changing phases lately? * because now i take so much comfort in the fact that if and when IT HAPPENS....

soon enough, IT WILL ALSO PASS.

A Letter to My Man-to-Be II

2004-08-02T11:08:00.000+08:00

Someone.

I am back. I thought for a while it’s been only a week since I wrote you my very first letter. Well. I have my reasons. It took a longer while for the emotions to sink in and the warm responses from anonymous visitors to get my brain out of the loop. I realized I was writing to just one person, and yet a number of others, now have joined the anticipation…of my letters. I hope you don’t mind the “extended visits.” Those aside, these letters remain YOURS. This being my second letter makes it some sort of a "reunion." Frankly speaking, i would never trade off this chance with anything else, not even what's behind door no 2 (although both exudes so much uncertainty.) It makes me less of the adventurous person that i am i guess. I'd choose you. No brainer. So what do i tell you in the course of my brief return? Let's take it from the 1st missive. Only this time, let's inject in a lighter and happier tone.

I've been goin out. Intensively. winks! As i meet more men, i continue to get the pieces altogether. The picture of the man that you are, the man that i want to be with has become clearer over time. You don't really have to live up to the image of Paul Walker. (yea, it is perfectly okay!) I would be untruthful if i say that i do not wish to wake up beside a face like that but at least i hope that the looks would be just as hmmm... what's the word again? SUAVE. You don't have to be as admirable as Nelson Mandala but at im pretty sure you would have your own way of sweeping me off my feet, (esp if i like you, you just have to BREATHE! yeeha!); not as intellectual as to the point of qualifying in MENSA but you are presumed to be able to participate in sensible conversations but will also be able to unleash humor when necessary (like i dont have to nudge you or press ur buzzer just so you would talk) . I would love to be laughing my heart out. It has become an essential past time. Just the same, i look forward to seeing you express yourself, as much as i do my own struts.

I dont like eggplants, tomatoes (served whole or sliced) and anything slimy, slippery and with seeds. I hate pink (was influenced over the years!) or anything barbie-ish! I hate math unless it somehow involves counting shopping bags or incoming cash. I detest looking for directions. I would gladly construct my own geographical map in order to find directions. That or i'd rather be "passenger," unless it's a new destination where i would find myself awed rather than 'lost.' Anything we have in common? Oh! but i love a man wearing pink shirts.... pink is good as long as it's not on me. OR ANY GIRL.

I just gave it away. the basics of thea.
No rules. we live it one day at a time. If you want your private space, i will understand. Should you wish to spend time with your other friends, i'll find it under "normal circumstances." i don't expect you to be my shadow so live your day the way you want it to be. I at least hope you to be there when i need a comforting hug or a word of encouragement when my bad days are predominant (they're very rare though!) Isn't that what matters? that we are there for each other esp when no one else is? Relationships should allow couples to GROW, not be restricted. in all sense. Unless it does either of us or the relationship more harm than good, then anything is welcome. No room for pride though. It's the VERY ONE THING i refuse to be up against. Oh yeah, that and indifference. Be mad, be furious, be irritatingly ecstatic...anything as long as it involves at least a single proof of emotion.

How was your weekend? Mine was pretty exhausting.
Do you ever wonder when our FIRST weekend will be?

I do.

*have you read the FIRST LETTER?

JUNE and JULY 04

2004-07-10T09:33:00.000+08:00

26/jul/04
So i've been awfully preoccupied. tuesday dinner with lee from IAS London at Bubba Gump. Jason's dad passed away last wednesday but he and tita baby are holding up really well. Aims, Ting and myself had to hear mass with their family at around 11pm - the very least thing we can do. Thursday dinner with lee again at Chilis Greenbelt, a quick visit to V-bar with maritel and lee then off to cafe havana for latin entertainment. Friday bridal and baby shower for millet at Richmonde Hotel. Saturday bday dinner at Trisha's in Alabang with Ting, Jason and Larry. Sunday wedding of Millet and Noel at San Sebastian followed by reception at Casa Manila in Intramuros. What a week! Some journey back "home", while others start a new journey "together." Life is just the way it is.

With my FAVE couple of the moment... Ula and Ron

17/july/04
an email from an old date. a text from an acquaintance at sidebar. marck must be wondering why he never saw me clubbing again. another text message from most recent date. hmmm... that one still proves interesting, only in a very good way. an invitation to go out from a 5'11 half-filipino, half-italian part-time model. i wonder if my gusto to meet him goes full-time. that half-brit, half-fil experience which ended before it began lurks its ugly tail in the picture. i might as well get it over and done with huh? so what did i choose to do on a friday evening? beat the traffic and headed straight home. i was bummed out after and hour and a half of waiting for traffic to subside. no regrets because i knew if i went out, i would be half-hearted about enjoying it anyway. besides, i don't think i will be spared enough time to put my feet up and relax next week so i'm sort of bracing myself for it. angie will start training with amadeus so we'll be one staff short; 'superboy' lee is visiting from london, shower party for millet on friday, and what have i's for the rest of the weekdays. i'm taking it slow this time. (did i just say THAT?!) so there.

16/july/04
The PRINCESSES AND ME.
I was bent on watching this almost saccharinely-sweet flick, "The Prince and Me" with two of my best friends, ting and aimee. Little did i know that it would be preceded by hard-core action. hmpf! and i said yesterday i was bordering on being bored again.

Payroll day for most... tootsieroll for me as i curved and swerved going to intersection of pioneer and shaw. clock read 729. i was running late for the 730 screening at megamall. whew! i hate making people wait...and this time, they even happen to be my best girlfriends. fingers tapping on the steering wheel waiting for the green light to flash before me. ALAS! there it was. so i stepped on the gas....going, going, counter-flowing (put down your eyebrows please?!) and boom. light turns orange, then red. dammit. that was quick! I was caught right at the very intersection with this van turning towards the direction i was coming from. hmmmm.... i swear i knew mat was in neutral then again the slightly uneven surface caused mat to move back a little. that short motion like that of your heel when you move from tip-toe to complete foot rest. unfortunately, dude driving his van halted. so the lil space between mat's bumper and van's side sort of "kissed." so now you can imagine the next picture. it was barely scratched-- his van i mean. however, i would rather "settle" at least for the inconvenience caused. so i did. okay, now off to megamall. I was approaching richmonde hotel when i sort of felt that freon of mat seemed to have diminishing effect on air-conditioning. hmmmm... smarty pants. i rolled down the passenger's side's window.... okay so i had a fantastic view of the traffic, what now? okay... i said i will roll it back up. pushing... the window switch... hmmm... not moving... hmmm... YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME! what did i do to deserve all these??? eeeghad.. now my mind is running a 1000 miles/minute wondering how i can leave mat at the parking lot with the window open. STUPID! i know i cant. it took me another gruelling knee-cramping 10 hours to wait to park at the 4th level just to find out there wasnt any space anymore. 5th level then. aims and ting now coming to the rescue, i told them of OUR predicament. Can my thursday night just bounce back to being BORING?!!! whew. I explained to aimee that "we" (mind the sudden change of pronouns from singular to plural HAH! ... thank GOD!) have to unscrew the door and force lift the window glass to come up, look for something to act as temporary support underneath so glass wont slide down and God forbid, do the belly dance and wait till at least 1 gentleman comes to the rescue. well, we were rather left with 2 security guards, one screw driver and our 6 hands and 30 long nails to do the seemingly impossible. ting was holding the flashlight while aimee didnt waste a second. she just conveniently transformed to MS. AUTOMOTIVE i swear! (should you consider, short shorts and baby shirt as her tights-cape-and-boots-alternates!) one screw after the other until finally mat's right side front door was naked. alright, at least i took it from there. i've seen the men in the house do that before...so we managed to keep window closed using the wheel brush as support. the rest we have to figure out after the movie that's what we said. good thing mat didnt get stolen. i think i said the litany before we left the parking lot. Come after the movie, we had to screw back the inside door cover, this time with 2 more men walking around the car religiously "STARING." they could not believe 3 girls were doin the car fix. oh well, hmmm... what else is there to do. Then got a text. Jason was in makati. What impeccable timing! When he asked where we were and told him of our momentary and spur-of-the-moment portrayal of charlie's angels... he probably thought at first we were kidding. We got out of megamall safely, with mat and 2 best friends all in tact. When we were cruising along valle verde highway, i frantically tought 1 tire was flat. AREN'T WE HAVING FUN YET? Went straight to the nearest gas station and good thing, right rear tire just needed air. (maybe not as much as the 3 of us needed water for the experience). Jason, now assuming the role of CHARLIE, was constantly in touch. That was so nice of him. The last call he made gave us all a sigh of relief since we all realized we, girls, were finally home. almost home. If anything happens, at least the proximity of our homes will be comforting enough. There were no princesses in the story, no damsels in distress.... just REALLY the best of friends sticking it out... no matter what. Hmmmm.... I think last full shows make the BEST screening time.

10/jul/04
Week of another batch of endings and beginnings, of extremes. Yvette left for bangkok. I was left dining in SUKHOTHAI for alex's bday last wednesday with mom. was a blast. Ate Vhie's ties loose at the seams with some people while our rope tightens as cousins. as FAMILY. Down to my last 20 bucks, then payroll comes. Bank account soars one minute and drains the next. Mat's oil needs changing! Slipped into my casual ruggedly looking white cargo capris and white tank top this morning but will need to parade around in a silver blue gown in ai and ryan's wedding later at 4pm. Brain dead from lack of sleep but head is banging to my fave tunes from ALTERNAthea playin on the background (courtesy of edwin leyva records. haha!) Salvation comes when you least expect it. I am back... and so is St. Therese. Tired and bordering on giving this dating thing a LONGER break, then i met a new friend last night. W H E W!

With Karen at Camp Aguinaldo for the reception of Ai and Ryan's wedding. 10/07/04

Nice to hook up with an ol friend... Karen. Best wishes to ai and ryan!

02/july/04
My week started on a WEEKEND. FRIDAY. Being swamped with so many things to do, i almost couldn't keep up with time. It was like pushing myself through a huge crowd and when i got out of the clog, POOF! guess what? i was having lunch with LOUISE. It was about time. First EMOTIONAL lunch i've had since we moved into RCBC. I never meant to hurt her. She didnt mean to hurt me. BUT hey it happened. Once issues were resolved, only then you realize how different people REALLY are and how important it is to respect every person despite such differences and the gaps they cause. In the end, only FORGIVENESS fills in those gaps. Nice to have you back in my life lil b!

Okay! so i wasnt really supposed to serve as "PLUS ONE" in the despedida/dinner for mother c. i called chris to tell her we can push through with dinner plans. It's about time we catch up on each other's highlights. First wide-awake recall of the kind of friendship that lasts. There in front of me was a friend whom i haven't seen for decades! Yet, we just took off where we left off. Longer hair and inches added to our girth aside, everything was pretty much the same. Eeeeghad. I'm hosting her wedding with chai in december. a far too EARLY booking eh? december or tomorrow, i really wouldn't mind. Hey chris! You've been too good and TOO TRUE, at the same time. Love you dearly.

Then guess who crashed dinner? another one of those long-staying personalities in my life. JASON M. the picture didnt entirely fit the usual frame of that jason aura. guess the CLOUD 9 smile made a difference. Reasons of which i refuse to divulge in this blog unless i wanna live shorter. haha. it was nice to see someone trying to keep it still and steady after doing boogie for a long time. Is it for real? Is this for good? Hell, i have no idea. I'm only sure it was a nice feeling to be THERE when an old best friend becomes what he wants to be. Or chooses someone. NOT QUITE but ALMOST there-- the moment when he thinks things seem to be HAPPENING for him. That's why i didnt say much when he was doin the tell. i refuse to pre-empt whatever best laid plans he had for himself and his future that awaits. You should know BETTER by now Jason. I dont question your prolonged presence in my life because even to this day, you seem to be the BIGGEST challenge for my capacity to FORGIVE and to have FAITH in friendships. Forgive YOU. Forgive OTHERS. Forgive MYSELF. It all comes in the same package. Quite a challenge if i must say. But you know what? After going through all the humps with you, anyone next should be EASY. a cinch. DAYM. Aren't you just too lucky to have me in your life despite all that? HARHAR. HEEEY! You know it's true. winks!

MIA!! i miss you too! PRADA naman? hmmmm.. you want a shopping companion next time? haha.

FRIENDS either make you or break you; bring out the BEST in you, sometimes the WORST in you. But when you think about it, deep down, and you realize at one point or another they help you KNOW who you really are and eventually help you become the BETTER person you WANNA BE, then you know they served their purpose. Sometimes too, in one of those rare chances... WHO HURTS you MOST.... will also HEAL you best. ESPECIALLY if that person is A FRIEND.

Am i the last person to see SPIDERMAN? I swear, next time.. harry! i will get the chance to see a good film before u do and it'll be my turn to haunt you! haha. Rudy and chy! good couple. good friends to me. now, "good ride!" congrats with the NEW ACQUISITION. hehe.

My nephew walks into my father's room and shares with him his breakfast. My dad goes... "san galing yan?" nephew replies, "TATAY! I dont understand you. It's ENGLISH day today! so... speak english!" KAYA natin yan DAD! HAHA... MY MORNING DELIGHT.

Happy weekend everyone!

01/july/04
i just ripped JUNE off my desk calendar. wow. half the year is OVER. NO BIGGIE. C'mon next half!!! If it's going to be as pleasant a surprise as walking out of the elevator neck being held hostaged by guess who!? PAUL! hahaha... i really wouldnt mind. It was nice to see an ol' friend.

After a seemingly month-long pigging out (literally!) on lechon, lechon kawali, liempo... i feel so bloated. who wouldn't be? time to brush fatty sweater off this glutton heart (yes, it's my heart that really has the passion for such!) and convert to a healthier diet. i'm eating oatmeal and bananas later. maybe for the rest of... the week (weekends excluded) hahaha. well... i'm just being honest. for sure i'll do something nice to myself this month. just "takin better care of my health", as how lambert and i put it. dude! how's ur healthier plan? winks!

Okay so i was an hour shy and short from the 9-hour sleep i was aiming for. 2200H. chris texted. inviting for lunch today, but i didnt think it was a good idea to cut the updates and storytellings short during lunch HOUR. (that reminds me! i still owe reychel a lunch rendezvous!) i texted back dinner on friday sounds better. saturday even. i'll be off laptop duty this month. woohoo! 2215H. trisha texted. bangkok acommodation suggestions for yvette. thanks dear! 2230H. it slipped my mind it's already july and we're supposed to change scheds. texted maritel. she was holding her post for an exam. yeah, training for amadeus (AIR FRANCE uses amadeus that's why) already began. I'm actually excited to learn 1000 plus entries in what? 4 days? wow. i'd be sitting in a classroom again and taking an exam come session-end. i like that. woohoo! (again!) i'll be taking last shift. that means more sleep for me huh? work begins at 0930H then. that's in about 3 minutes.... okay. this ends here. ;) BIG Marketing MAN from LONDON just walked in. Really nice man... so he gets an oreo from me. He said i should "stay slim??!" Hmmm.. i think he deserves the whole box of oreos if only for that. haha.

Hey ai! ill see you dinnertime. later girl. Fingers crossed that i get the EXTRA energy to pass by joice's place for my new cd. Can't wait to take that ALTERNATIVE lift. can i say this again? wooohooo! hah! i just did.

30/june/04
Okay. When i said i love this weather??... i didnt mean that the dark clouds be challenged and pour heavy rain all over. I only meant for the nice winds to stay. Oh well. There goes the compliment.

Yvette is leaving for Bangkok on sunday. Business trip. Gotta pull those connections to make it a breezy-trip for best friend. I think i am more excited than she is. Her first time, that's why i am the one more jittery than anyone else. I just finished writing my novel for her, more like a list of TRAVEL 101 stuff. That will come in handy i'm sure. Thea's reminders. Im so excited for her!!! did i say that already? haha.

TODAY, i want to sleep for at least 9 hrs; eat paquito's arroz caldo; listen to NICKELBACK or Third Eye Blind for a change; meet ula's ronron, yeehee! or angie's MOUSSA; pack for Yvette ( i love packing for trips); go for back rub or head to nail spa; do a lot of stretching; or yoga (it's been a looooong while); meet SOMEONE...oh and i want the rain to stop. Take care everyone.

29/june/04
I love this weather. windy and.... windy! reminds me so much of places out of the country. so to maximize the experience, i purposely didnt dry my hair and decided to wear my knee-length coat today. TUESDAY. mat's banned from the roads so i took the shuttle. guess whose it was. Jojo's. an old friend. husband of rhoda, a former high school mate, a year younger than i am. it was nice to bump into Dodie too right before leaving antipolo. Met 2 new people on my way to work - Hazel and Iban. Jojo's officemates. I see them in antipolo sometimes. They used to be just familiar faces to me, now they have names. Nice. Jojo asked why i haven't been seen around. well i bring mat almost everyday now that's why. I got off 2 blocks away from rcbc. so there was plenty of walking to do. it was a nice feeling. not close to Capetown, Africa but the whole walk to the office seemed a quiet and refreshing experience. (well i dont get to do it EVERYDAY). I was sort of thinking of a good place to go to for a vacation but somehow i was appreciating what i was doing for that particular moment. UCC, Seattle's Best, Oliver's...and the strip of good breakfast hang-outs seemed endless. Weird because i didn't find myself hungry at all. I was just overwhelmed by the walk itself (yes! in my 3-inch stiletto boots mind you! winks!) My mind was apparently preoccupied by the "sights to behold" but was taken away from it when manong guard greeted me good morning at the rcbc tower 1 lobby. i didnt recognize him. they rotate quite often. then again i must have passed by him in one of the other entrances since he said, "ma'am! wala kayong kakupas-kupas talaga." hahaha. that made me smile. apparently too, i woke up at the right side of the bed today-- being delightful at the simplest things around me. Quick and early chat with gerald. Morning greetings from migs and the news that he recently met two 22-year old dudes who both has a crush on me. DAW. Sheesh! I get older, they get younger??! WHeW! Burnt my toasts but i ate 'em just the same. Went well with smoked cheese from amsterdam. (thanks jenny!) I brought adobo to the office yesterday. Tina said there's longganisa (our favorite kind) for lunch today. HMMM! can't wait. No wild river or loop d' loops-kinda thing but... one hella experience. I have my bad days too but you know you're still generally and genuinely happy when you get moments like this. It's nice to be satisfied.

28/june/04
I woke up this morning not feeling well. I had several dreams which seemed vague to me last night. faces of friends and stories loose at the seams. Hmmm.. it seems too like I'm at that point again when i don't exactly know what to do to escalate my day to be at least better than my dreams. Then i thought this may be the best time to write. I know I am compelled to seize this dull moment and transform it to a roller-coaster ride. with double loops-- that which requires a brave shift. A moment that requires more colors like those of froot loops other than regular oatmeal or cornflake cereals. BUT NO. For a change, I just wanna close my eyes and wake up when it's over. TODAY, i don't want to take a leap. I don't want to wear orange. I don't want to transform anything but the color of my monitor screen from sky blue to moss green. I don't wanna do anything other than write. For the first time in a long time, i just wanna sit down and stare at anything blank. No other dramatic action other than breathing... and what a relief it's been so far. I'll do the bunjee-jumping tomorrow. Or the day after that. ANYTIME is good...but not TODAY. I had very brief UNBUSY moments today. THANKS for the short chat karen. Daph, i am ok. i brought mat today. I rarely take the mrt but GOD! i hope no one was hurt in the electrical blast. thanks for checking on me though. so sweet of you. I finally finished reading FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN. i wonder... whose lives i have affected and whose others did mine. SIGNIFICANTLY that is. DULL day turns reflective. Blame it on Mitch. Well, it still is a BETTER ending, not BITTER.
Nothing beats bad traffic better than good company. It was nice going home with best friend ting.

The song changed.
"wish you would step down from that ledge my friend.
We could cut ties from all the lies that you've been living in.
And if you do not want to see me again,
I will understand." - JUMPER by Third Eye Blind.

Been dying to hear this song for days!!! I heard it tonight, right before getting out of the car. The last song i heard today. LAST. But it had all the sense i needed.

23/june/04
He's been a good friend. Loyal to himself and those he loves...aight nina? ("ninya") winks! He sticks to what he believes is right despite what others think... always hungry at breakfast! HAPPY BDAY JASON BUERA! dingdong! I wish you happiness, good health, fortune, seamless and worry-free wedding preps, and lots of kids to party for! harhar.

19/june/04
HAPPY BDAY TO MOMMY LITA MALIKSI (Ting's mom; one of the many 2nd moms that i have) AND MILLET ZUMEL, my ever reliable GLOBE friend. Well she's more than that. She makes up for all of other's GLOBE's flaws. NANAY to GLOBE colleagues...very good friend to me since high school. miss you letot! WOW. I called her to surprise her with my greeting and guess who got surprised? Antipolo, LAOAG or anywhere beyond and between... i will see you on your wedding day girl. 25th July. Grabe... it really is weng all along.

19/june/04
I got my 1st DRIVING VIOLATION TODAY. Well, almost. I was set on leaving office at 12sharp til i got a call from this PLATINUM PLAN person saying i was chosen to be a lucky recipient of a 100K accident insurance plan with a privilege card to go. I wasnt really bent on going since i knew they would be selling me other products once i present myself to their office. Well, ULA suggested i go to at least avail of the freebie.

With Ula (new officemate...new friend!)

She had a point. So i went. This officer took eternity to try to sell to me this trust fund scheme they're promoting. in fairness, the concept was good. Unfortunately, he was selling it to someone with 480 bucks between her and poverty. Yeah! that's all my wallet had at lunch time. I was running late, obviously!!! for a 1230 appointment. It's a saturday... daym! who would have expected MMDA to be working their butts off!? well, maybe i never really noticed. EDSA was almost clear... driving. 60kph...80kph...(didnt i say i was running late!) and...VOILA!!! there was this officer hailing me to pull over. darn it. He was giving me his homily w/c seemed threatening for a first-timer, amateur....idiot like me. He got my license w/c by the way isnt the plastic card yet. Then he noticed... i havent even signed it. Did i mention i was an idiot? oh well... there. I retrieved my license and looked at the officer straight in the eyes and smiled coyly. It really was an honest offense. I was turning right to edsa central but i got a lil too advanced sticking to the middle lane i actually crossed over the boundary for PUVs!!! slight and really tolerable offense he said. After ten thousand pleas and smiles... whew! the officer released me!!! he was sooooooooooo nice! He even said if i get caught again along edsa, i can look for him. wheeeeeew! (not that i have any intentions of committing another offense, honest or otherwise.) huhuhuhu! i almost had my license FRAMED today. so that's how it feels...

So dead tired. LONG DAY. HEy! have you guys seen this game called slamball!? i forgot which channel but it's so kewl! hmpf! MMDA officer was waaaaaaaay cooler though! winks!

I was checking out this dude who was having his expedition's glass plates done right next to mat. Carlos Agassi type. I gave up after 2 glances. Along marcos highway, i saw 2 other dudes at this very cozy car wash station. I was gonna have mat washed too but when i saw the mud and dirt uphill, i knew it would be pointless....oh! the better-looking dude was also glued to his phone. Hmmmm... i'm sure he was talking to girlfriend. so, i left and headed home.

told ya... i was tired. good night people!
"THE RING" is showing on HBO...hmmm.. pass! i dont wanna be sleeping with eyes wide-open. nye!

B in B! (Bored in Banaue)

18/june/04
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAPHNE! What's up with you girl!?
Charry... thanks for the chica. At least i was 'entertained' via phone while i was working on MAT's pestering moods. window rolled down by itself!

Macie... you are always free to laze ur eyes (and butt) within my blog. ANYTIME.

It's FRIDAY PEOPLE! I am so i the mood for some groovin' and well even lounging with good ol' friends will do. Now i gotta make those calls. Who wants to join!? haha! I wanna go to peligro.. (spell!?) they play trance music there. i heard. i hope bech and russ tag me along.

My good friend ai (from I3Block) called yday to tell me my invitation is on the way. Ai and Ryan. tying the knot. 10th of july. GOD! how time flies. She was upset...no! freakin out is the term... so many disastrous events during all her wedding preparations. hmmm... feeling kinda guilty i haven't even contributed anything to those preparations yet. well, who knows? i promised to see her next week though. I WONDER WHEN I WILL BE GOING THROUGH THE SAME PREDICAMENT. Hmm... one step at a time i told myself. Gotta dredge up the inspiration to write that article to my-man-to-be. then get a boyfriend. then get married... i mean BE MERRY! harharhar! who am i kidding!?!

ai and ryan. lovely couple...dont u think!? CHEERS!

HAVE A FAB WEEKEND EVERYONE!

17/june/04
Thoughts while driving.

"Whatever makes you happy, whatever makes you beautiful. What you want you already got, but you already died." That was the song i was listening to this morning. morbid i thought. alternative. forgot the artist's name. title is "whatever." Then again, i loved it. I wish i'd hear it again.

So as a note to myself, "Whatever i find on my plate today, i will take time to enjoy like it's the last serving i'll ever have." That was supposed to be metaphorical... but damn. Now i'm hungry.

My bro-in-law was asking me about my dates this morning. Gave me lil reminders and stuff. kiddingly said i should marry someone filthy rich. joke was half-meant i suppose. hahaha. asked me if there's anyone i fancy as of the moment. then approached a black lancer w/o tint with a guy driving. w/o shirt on. tshirt was hanging loose on his shoulder. "brusco," he said. "type ko," was my reply. see? i still know what type i want. that car... w/ a man like that on board. pardon the humor of a 27-year old single woman.

The Letter "I" in S-I-NGLE

2004-07-05T13:12:00.000+08:00

I am not a writer. Not by profession. I do love living to the point that it never seems enough to just write something about it- pleasant or otherwise. When I write, I live twice. So this is my way of reliving the experience, not exactly as how it happened, but somewhat more like how it felt.

Between you and me, I never really mind being single. Contrary to a reader’s expectations, I am a highly extrovert person that I always find myself in the middle of groups, parties and whatever social function that requires some kind of life to fill up the room. However, when a situation calls for independence, I can easily toss the party hats and high heels out the window and subscribe to the momentary calling. effortlessly. Until of course recently when I realized that ‘momentary’ seems to be approaching infinity. Give me a little credit. It’s not like I haven’t taken the big leap. I have, although in most occasions only landed with either an empty bank account or a broken heart. Unfortunately so. This is one department where my heart seems to never agree with my mind. When my heart tells me to dredge up the courage and give the man-of-the-moment a chance, my brain tells me to run away and just leave things which I will possibly screw up. I don’t even allow myself to be courted. Thus the, “first dates.” FIRST because the counting stops at one. No point of going for my supposedly hearty second serving since I usually know there ain’t gonna be any future after the dinner. I am 27 years and 10 months too late to be writing a coming-out-of-age article. I write now in an attempt to question what I believed all this time.

I went out with someone last saturday, in my greatest desire to escalate from the mere occupation of “dating” (that’s still not paying highly enough), with the eternal hope of bumping into MR. RIGHT in the process. Be he my date, the man next to our table or heaven forbid, the man who grabbed the purse of the woman standing across the street hailing for a cab. He was smart just like the others; can carry conversations just like the others; and polite, generous and much of a gentleman, maybe even more than the others. He did the sweetest thing of following me back home despite the fact that it was unquestionably out of the way, and the fact that I assured him that I’ll be okay driving by myself. He followed, not so much the instructions, but my car until I reached Antipolo town proper. Just like some of my past dates, it was inevitable to be asking about past relationships. This man has been into a real bad break-up. Not a charity case, excuse me but that just got to me. Given the predominant feeling being just casual and not the expected magical, whimsical or head-swinging-and-tummy-upside-down kind of reaction, I stepped on my breaks right away. Then I realized why. WHY I’m still single.

Despite the high levels of confidence and strong character that pump through my nerves in the daily grinds of life, I was never born to take risks on love. Not with someone who is married, in a relationship (steady or cooling off both counted!) or any other category that classifies him as “taken”. I never find it amusing to take on a broken heart as a prey for my FIRST ever official relationship only to rip it open and into pieces once more, only because I was not sure of what I was getting myself into. Being at the ugly end of WAITING preceded by my unlucky 13 years of expecting the better coming out of the good in 2 relationships, I think it’s quite normal to be refusing to take on the role of the one making another person wait and hurt, specifically in that order. Neither did it suit me nor did the wounds heal easily when they happened for me so I don’t suppose they will to another human being. It takes too short a time to fall in love yet the longest time to forget. That’s what I am afraid of. That’s what I don’t wanna be taking the BIG LEAP for. Call me coward I don’t even care. Unless I find the man who I will be certain to love without reservations and questions, then I don’t think I am bound to change my mind, or have a change of heart. I can’t, so I won’t.

I just don’t think I am capable of hurting someone, so I would normally just give up the chance with all the negative possibilities of being the one to do it, unless I am sure that he is the one.

Even after a first date, I know I’m NOT supposed to feel the grandeur of excitement, wild adrenalin rush right away, but I ought to feel AT LEAST a heartbeat. A tickle under my pulse that would let me loosen my grip to this belief in NOT taking the risks. I’m so afraid of not getting it altogether soon; of not finding the right one but I am more afraid of being that ONE person that somebody might just regret-- for hurting him, for leading him on, or even for doing it for the wrong reasons. Now, is that a crime?

At my age, I don’t think love is something we can refer to as a game so don’t expect me to gamble. Or a finish line, so don’t expect me to rush running towards it. My faith tells me there’s got to be ONE man out there. As long as that faith is alive, I refuse to call the others as OPTIONS.
Not yet.

THIS IS HOW WRITING REMINDS ME.

Letter Y in sorrY.

2004-06-22T22:41:00.000+08:00

"SORRY." 5 letters. 2 syllables.
Sometimes it's the ONE WORD people often find difficult to say. to verbalize. to express. MY BLOG, so MY FEELINGS on the subject...

WHY DO WE SAY "SORRY"?

Take this scenario. You are walking. You are about to take a turn to get into the nearest bakeshop. Someone whistled and you take a glance back to see who it was. When you looked back straight ahead it was too late to notice this old lady carrying a huge brown bag practically covering her face. You hit her. Without any question, it was an accident. Unintentional. Your buzzer is pressed. Automatically...you utter... "Oooops! Sorry." or "Sorry po."

Most of the time we do things we do without the slightest intention of hurting someone. (You see, i believe that people are eternally good deep down, unless proven otherwise.) We say things we believe others will either laugh about or think about, nonetheless. Unfortunately, different people have varying standards. What's good and within the norm of social conduct of one is not necessarily the same for another. Hence, it is inevitable, even with the most careful efforts that we say or do something that pricks on the nerves of a brother, a cousin, a friend or a stranger. INEVITABLE i said.

So if you hit someone, you don't go jolting her back to reality by saying, your mind was running a 1000 miles per minute; you're out of load; you forgot; you were watching a movie; you were busy. The last thing that will fill up the shortcoming is REASONING. That comes "secondary" only to saying SORRY. There is ORDER in discipline. There is order in BREEDING. So dont make that mistake of raising your defenses up by giving a narrative of your "becauses." Whether it was intentional on your part or not, whether your means are not meant to be offensive in any way, if there is decency in your heart, you acknowledge the pain. Repair the damage and let the healing begin. Whether it involves a physical pain or an emotional injury, a co-human being deserves an apology. SIMPLY PUT.

If the person involves a friend or a loved one, most of all, and she seems to be acting out of reason or "OUT OF CHARACTER" perhaps, you don't just abandon them. Even if her reasons for blowing the whistle is BEYOND your comprehension, say sorry just the same that she feels that way but express your sincerity that you had no intention of causing her to feel that absurd certain way. IS THAT VERY HARD TO DO? I wonder.

Saying SORRY doesn't make you GUILTY OF THE VERY CRIME. It can be taken from a multiple-level of interpretation, the base of which is being the simplest truth that you acknowledge the end result. Someone feels wronged. Saying sorry is dealing with the situation at hand. Someone is hurt so let's at least dust her off and help her recover balance. Saying sorry is an exhibition of remarkable HUMILITY, that you admit that you yourself are just as imperfect as the others are; capable of being offensive be it remotely impossible from the outerbanks of your civilized existence. SORRY is meant to rebuild what was broken. Repair and reassure.

It doesn't make you less of a macho person if you apologize. IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU MORE OF A PERFECT PERSON IF YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF SAYING IT EITHER.

SILENCE isnt being apologetic about any situation. Silence only prolongs the torture, widens the gap. Silence never hushes the issues. SILENCE only covers up the issues. A wolf in sheep's clothing. The issues will resurface again in the next opportunity and that will take you back to square one. No amount of flowers or chocolates will equate to the power of this very word, "SORRY." No amount of sugar-coated-pink-cotton-candy talk will make you generally an "afternoon delight" to someone who's been hurt. No other word or act will QUALIFY as an apology.

It's just one word but no matter how excessive the bleeding, how big the DEBT, how huge the gap caused, or how hard the blow was, SORRY does the seemingly impossible.

It corrects. It heals. It conquers.

Letters Written & Lessons Learned

2004-06-16T17:59:00.000+08:00

Some people leave a mark in your life. On my part, these people left me my GREATEST LESSONS. Here goes…the “MORRIEs” of my life and my “quotables” from them, with a little note on the side from yours truly, since this is anyway, a LETTER album.

My MOM: “Whatever you don’t have now, you don’t need.”
ME: Mom, you have given me even those which I never thought I needed. “Thank you” is an understatement. So I don’t have a boyfriend yet because…? Hehe.

TRISHA de OCAMPO: “it's funny how when we were all little, we could not wait for the day that we finally grow up and fall in love, only to realize that it was so much easier to deal with scarred knees than broken hearts.”
ME: Trish, I am no longer little. I’ve scarred my knees more than once and had my heart broken TWICE…but still looking forward to the falling, rising, and everything in between. – (excerpt from my article “Girl on a Pedestal” published in YOUNG BLOOD of the PDI, April 2003.) My wounds have healed sister. Now look. I only have the scars. Thanks for giving me the push when I once (twice, thrice!) got stuck.

With Trisha and Daphne during office blessing (RCBC)

NANA NADAL: "I hate those moments... when you watch your "life" slipping away right in front of your very eyes ... you can toss and turn all night and come up with all sorts of rationalizations...explanations... justifications ... but you know what will make you feel best? ACCEPTING & LETTING GO." Ang sugat, talagang dumudugo. Ang sugat, talagang masakit. Pero, ang sugat, gagaling at gagaling din. You just have to take comfort in that. Whether it takes one day, one month, or nine years ... basta gagaling din 'yan. PROMISE." -October 26, 2002. email.
ME: (Yes, these lines really came from her.) You kept that promise well banans. If it's worth any consolation, you helped me nurse those wounds. TANGGAP LANG NANG TANGGAP we said. We didnt need to know or figure out WHY. I miss our friendship. SO much. You've made so much difference in my life and God knows you were part of who i have become. BIG PART in fact. I am sorry for those times i wasnt there; for the many other life-altering moments of yours that i missed; for the different path i have chosen. In time, i know i'll see you again. Do me a favor? Don't wear pink when i see you. winks!

WHO SAID I CAN'T BE A MORRIE? here's the BEST things i've learned from the BEST teacher of all--- EXPERIENCE.

"BIG Faith makes everything LITTLE, literally!" - when my right cystic ovary went back to normal size after 2 months since discovery. NO MEDICATION was taken.

"People change. People change their minds. their hearts. In the end, only one things remains sacred, friendship. They can hurt you, or HEAL you. Pretty much everything rolled into one. No matter where life takes us all, there comes a point when we still find ourselves back at the moment it all started. Back to being FRIENDS. - inspired by relationships between THEA PANES and AIDS DIGMAN, JASON MANLUNAS, AIMEE BARONA, YVETTE dela TRINIDAD and TING MALIKSI.

"Whatever he can't give, GOD will provide." - Hmmmm. I'd rather not say. there's only one in my list anyway.

"What i don't know won't kill me... but i still would rather know." - being a proponent of TRUTH, no matter how painful the truth is, LET ME DEAL with it. And i mean NOW, not tomorrow or after 5 years. - triggered by people who weren't truthful at one point or another. it's ok. it HAPPENS.

"No matter how grave the offense, FORGIVE just the same." It's what sets you free from whatever and whoever's hurting you. BELIEVE ME! it works. REALLY WELL.

(To be continued...)

Letters to my "FiRST" DATES

2004-06-16T17:48:00.000+08:00

My 50 or 15? "FIRST" dates. (because i didnt have reason to go for SECONDS???) well sorta. (with the exception of some who i would gladly go out with, AGAIN! soon.)

Here's a few lines for the dates that 'were....' just FIRST.

SOME ENTRIES with pun intended... on one hand, meant to teach my lil sistahs what kind of species are out there lurking. on the other hand, some others are meant to be appreciative of the so-called "few good men."

(names need not be real. winks!)

GARY - The date that never happened 'AGAIN.' (HEy! taking me to the internet shop to browse your fave porn sites isn't exactly my idea of a date). Thanks for the insights though. You did resemble barry manilow as you said. I seriously hope we don't get to bump into each other again, "somewhere down the road." PUHLEAAAAAASE! it's never complimenting to think what a woman wears under tight pants and actually verbalize your imagination. I'd really rather... hmmm... sit that one out. Standing up again gets ur imagination rolling, anyway. Chai and Ian were nice enough to even just think of punching ur face after this experience. You, however gave me an option on dates. the option of walking out if and when. Hope you have a great life dude..despite all and in spite of.

MARK - chili's. How can i forget? I had nothing less than a FAB lunch. I will forever be grateful for the 'treat.' I was so bent on goin dutch (as normally practiced in almost all my dates) but you were just persistent, insistent and... generous! It was a nice casual experience. thank you.

F.E.- YOU CAME AT THE RIGHT TIME. yes, as bloated as my ego was over the mere fact of being texted and remembered by a PBL player, i would like to rather think that you served ur purpose well at that time. 5 months. i cannot and WILL NOT forget because there was not a single day during that period that you missed on texting. I was rather on the verge of getting over someone and yes, and you were my diversion. a pleasant one indeed. i hope i did entertain you just the same. really! I was supposed to feel jittery the day you dropped by my office but no... it was like seeing someone i already knew well. I promise to try to see one of your games on tv next time. haha! so... yoga soon? harhar!! hey! was with charry last friday. we really should all gather for coffee or something... in the meantime, hoooy! be good. haha.

KC - someone finally has the same food preference! ITALIAN! hmm.hmm.hmm. AMOROMA. over prosciutto ham pizza and pasta alfredo, k and i managed to hit it off, effortlessly. Overwhelming as your friendster invite was, it was nothing compared to the mixed emotions that crawled through my spine (yes, my emotions are part of my 'neurotic' nervous system now!) when you picked me up from rcbc that day. My boss was actually frantic that you were picking me up with your eye-candy Expedition. She said she wouldnt know where to get ransom if i get kidnapped. A small boy with a BIG toy. (i'd say man, but it doesnt rhyme!) I wonder if you've migrated back to hong kong. I do appreciate you texting me once in a while... at 1am, 2am and sometimes 3am... hahaha. How's business goin? I have high regards for your accomplishments... hey! dont underestimate this dude.. franchises of jollibee, greenwich, grocery shops... should i go on and on? the fact that you had to work as "crew" was humbling on your part and remarkable to my eyes (and everyone else who knows that story im sure!) MY favorite memory of you? HAH! easy. when you asked me... "BABY ka pa ba?" suave... suave....and "cute" i must say. keep in touch. I would like to have you around.

ALAN - YOU were the nicest....and yes, youngest! (24!) the idea that you were into YFC (Youth for Christ) won you a date. hands down. Oh, seeing that OLD and AGED text message of yours saying that you hope to see a movie with me did some greasing as well. I miss YFC too. I actually can't think of a specific reason, well aside from age, why i can't bring myself to responding to your text msgs in as sweet a manner as you use yourself. Hmmm... there is something getting in the way. I'm not sure. That phonecall before you got out of my car was weird. Yeah, gave me cold chills actually. 'Kinda speculated it was a girlfriend (ex or otherwise). My thoughts? eeeghad... i hope i didnt just go out with someone "attached." I wouldn't want to violate my own dating rules. that's a no-no. NO-brainer to be precise. I was kind of worried though how you would be going home. It may sound selfish yes but... in this dating process that's taking eternity for me, i am hopeful that i find my-man-to-be, neither someone i'd be taking a caregiver's course nor be up against a pedophile case for. Oh!...and someone with an ex-gf tailing is definitely not in my list of pleasantries. (believe me, my list is short!) i wont forget, as i said...you were really, really, ooober nice!

MYKE - thank you for the enriching asian experience. As i told you before you make up for almost ALL asian identities, having been born in taiwan, raised in malaysia and singapore, and based here in manila. ooops! did i miss a detail? Among all my dates, i would say you were the most profound. The conversations were loved for the mere fact that they can be as intellectual as they can get. I never had a substantial amount of reverence for Buddhism and those other religions until you spoke about them with so much passion. Hey! have you been to davao or boracay again lately? if i get crazy enough to do something spur-of-the-moment and hmm... a lil expensive than usual, i might take you up on that boracay offer.... with the other B's... hahaha. You've met them right? I'll see you when your resto opens okay? Or even before that... must recharge my rusty good ol' brain.

DON - You were actually my first brave attempt to go out with someone OLDER... (hey! i didnt say old!) half-BRITISH, half-FILIPINO. Made me imagine you coming down from a good-looking, well "breed," for lack of a better term. LIBIS. SAN FRANCISCO COFFEE. 7pm. You said you have work at 8pm. That at least gives me an hour to endure whatever was about to transpire. For some weird reason, friends were texting me to call them in case i find myself in ANY trouble. KEY's in. ignition starts. I was actually looking out for more space to maneouver my way out of the space where i parked til my focus was disrupted by a text message. It read... "WANNA GO TO SOMEWHERE PRIVATE LATER?" I was holding my breath while adrenalin rushed up to my brain, almost out through the car roof. Instead of killing you (thank GOD you weren't anywhere near), i killed the engine. oHAHAHAHAo! Now i can laugh about it. We did go to somewhere private. HIS house. My house. SEPARATELY. I thought he needed as much privacy as he can get anyway. In fairness, dude apologized for being "offensive." Hmmmm... smell my feet you BRIT. ;)

MR. ENGINEER - Okay, so i decided to go out with someone older again. No foreign blood this time. You have proven to be the MOST gentleman and couth among all my dates. I mean what is it about older men anyway? well a lot. Professional, sensible and daym! They just know how to take care of their dates. HANDS DOWN. Hey! you even inspired me to write a separate entry for the experience. I hope God makes more of your kind... seriously!

GERMAN - no he isnt of any german origin. It's just the first word that comes to mind when i remember this dude since well, associations! There goes my next leap to going out with someone younger. 2 years aint that too big a deal anyway!? I was only apprehensive about the fact that it had to be another set-up. I mean what are the chances that this date spoils my momentum again? Hmmm... HIGH. Fortunately for me, you didnt give me any reason to regret it. It was apparent that despite the age difference, you were able to level with me. Your principles, those definitely got you the title, "interesting."

04/sep/04
...... and then some. i'm actually reconsidering getting some 'seconds' (from 'firsts') here. who knows? the others i have not written about because i can't quite seem to know what to make of the experiences YET.

A Letter to BiG G

2004-06-16T17:42:00.000+08:00

13/07/04
DEAR GOD,

This may be the hardest letter to write.

What do i tell Someone who already knows EVERYTHING? How do i play oblivious to the thought that YOUR PLAN precedes even MY EXISTENCE? or this letter?

THANK YOU. That's a good way of starting this letter.... For making me think. For allowing me to feel. To hurt. Then heal. For giving me options. For the freedom to make even bad choices. For making me learn. For giving me courage. To write. To speak. To stand up to my beliefs. And for MORE courage... to admit i'm wrong. To admit i'm hurt. To embrace my weaknesses. To share my imperfection. The courage to be MYSELF, around anyone...around everyone.

I AM SORRY. for being stubborn. for the flamboyant display of arrogance when i thought i knew better. or felt better. i wanted this, YOU gave me that. Sometimes at some point, i was not able to reconcile the difference. Then there were questions. I am sorry, for having raised the untrusty WHYs. In my mind, out my mouth or worse, both at the same time. I always know what i want. YOU always know what I deserve. I am sorry for creating this tug-of-war in between. It takes a while, a longer while than i thought. Until i realized, it was easier to LET GO.

When i said I wanted rich parents, you gave me the most selfless pair. The very little they had, they gave away. ALL OF IT. When i said i wanted to be first in class, YOU gave me honor and dignity in running second. When i was finally humbled by experience, you made me first. You gave me someone who loved me best and i learned to love back. You gave me someone who hurt me worst and i learned i can recover. I took health in a stride. Another nerve bloated in my ego, another inch added to the size of my right ovary's cyst. It was a "benign reminder." Everytime i didn't get what i wanted, I know YOU didnt love me less. YOU only missed me more.

What took you 7 days to create, I will have a LIFETIME to appreciate. The plan that you have written in the palm of Your Hands, i may never understand. Nevertheless, I have learned to take comfort in the fact that whatever I receive comes from the BEST HANDS.

When i woke up this morning, it was apparent. Everything i wanted to be, I already am. Eveything i wanted to have, YOU already have given.

So what do i tell SOMEONE who knows everything already? NOTHING. I just thought i should let THEM know.

A Letter to MY-MaN-TO-BE

2004-06-16T17:40:00.000+08:00

1135pm
my room

SOMEONE.

I don't actually know who you are, where you live, or what you're doing. All i know is, right this very moment i wish you were here to read this letter. Not having you around this long is starting to take its toll on me. I wonder sometimes if you feel the same way. Writing to you, (to someone i havent met, recognized or remembered), seems a lil worse than preposterous, but as of now, i have no other means. This letter somehow keeps the thought of us together. in tact. Here rests the hopes of finding each other sooner. I'm not even sure if you like letters. I perpetually do, especially now that this is the CLOSEST that i can get to you.

What is it like being longed for? I ask because i am not quite sure if the same questions are running through your mind. Are you still in a relationship or are you just as i am, single by choice? Believe me, more questions will continue to surface as days go by. I am curious. anxious. both at the same time.

I haven't been into any relationship. SINGLE since birth. I've had very few attempts but to no avail. No need to justify why or how things happened. LOVE and LIVE, i continue to say to myself. I do believe that whatever pain they caused me, you will eventually benefit from as well. There were lessons to be learned. How many relationships have you had? Did you get hurt in the process too? I hope that when our time comes, i wouldn't be the one to hurt you but if i do, please do not think that i love you less.

I was driving by myself earlier tonight. Friends were texting me about their plans. it's a Friday. Everyone is supposed to have at least a 'plan.' It made me sad for a moment wondering how long i will have to endure being invited as third wheel (not that my true friends mind); how long i should outline my weekly schedule just so i don't mess up my girl best friends' plans with their significant others. It started to drizzle early. Then i started to miss you even more. There were no stars tonight. It seemed like the sky suffers the same ordeal as i do for the absence of something, of someone in my case. Hmmm.. how comforting. I wasnt alone in that sense.

They say that those things that never YET happened to us, will never fade away. So i always remember you the same way. FONDLY. I dont know when or how we will finally see each other and realize that we're supposed to be together. Did it ever happen that i was too preoccupied to notice you crossing down the street? or that you were enjoying every sip from your coffee mug with your officemates when i was just standing behind you, paying for my order? Hmmm... then again, if and when it happened, i take comfort in believing that it wasnt "according to schedule yet." ;)

Have you eaten dinner? I skipped my meal tonight. I am in fact about to sleep. I decided to write to you today hoping that this gives my day a sweet conclusion. Tomorrow is just 12 minutes away. Without notice, as i continue to type the words, those 12 minutes are diminishing... closing upon dawn. How i wish the days and months and years would unfold without the torturing thought of your prolonged absence.

Patience is never my virtue... but i believe there's a reason why you're not here. Just so you know, i remain positively anticipating of your arrival, or your return if we have met before, whichever applies. If only i could downward spiral my way to you. Then again, i wouldn't want to mess up the moment. OUR RIGHT TIME.

In the meantime, goodnight and sleep well.
WE WILL FIND EACH OTHER SOON.

late cargo: Can i write you another letter next week? ;)

THEA
1202am

A Letter to My HOMEToWN GIRLS

2004-06-16T16:10:00.000+08:00

16june04
1621H
my desk. (hey! no queues yet...)

Ting, Aimee, Yvette.

It seemed like ages.
I cant actually recall when the exact turning point was. It felt like a dream, and when i woke up, there we were - walking different paths.

Ting. I am so happy to see you happy. There may be too many questions in my mind, but to question your happiness would be far even from the outskirts of my imagination. I wish you more, in fact. Somehow, i just lost track and i am sorry. It was quite a swell for me when we went out again last saturday. another time of my life. Imagine? we were just out the whole day...watched harry potter at eastwood cinemas, crashed into RCBC for my urgent after-office calls (thanks for the patience dear!), dessert at max brenner (remember who we saw?!my ex-crush WITH girlfriend. whew! tough challenge! glad u were there.) and lastly a tour of the fort to 'go nuts' over our donuts. You prove that despite our long silence, nothing has changed.

Aims. Among all girls, i find you most accessible. all the time. I do appreciate your being there for me as well. all the time. (did i say that already? winks!) I dunno if i am to be cursed because as we usually tell each other, since we got together as friends, you lost (or got rid of?) a bf and somehow never got one again. DAMN. if only for that, i'd rather that we be estranged again. (giggles) from the timid and shy girl i once knew...look at what you've become! hey! thanks for footing the dinner bill tonight. I feel so bloated.

Yvette. Who would have thought...who would have imagined... that you would finally change friendster status to 'in a relationship.' What have i done to you for you to leave me and my status unchanged? hahahah! I so remember the times when we were banging each other thru email. "So what do you do when you find that the pair of shoes you’re absolutely sure is for you has already been bought by somebody else?" - 05 MARCH 03. Remember this excerpt from ur old email to me? 6 words for you my dear: IM GLAD YOU FOUND 'YOUR FIT.' hello russ! You both take care of each other.

HEY girlfriends! 5 more words for you 3---
BECAUSE SOME FRIENDSHIPS... DO LAST.

MY HOMETOWN BEST Friends

A Letter to the GRADuATES

2004-06-16T10:59:00.000+08:00

Delivered last March 2004 High School Graduation
Our Lady of Peace School
As GUEST SPEAKER.
---------------------------

I never thought I’d be back here for THIS reason. Nonetheless it is my honor to speak before you Msgr. Rig de Guzman, Sr. Felicitas Bernardo, SPC, teachers/admin, parents and graduates.

11 years ago, I walked in the same aisle, wore the same uniform and waited with so much excitement in anticipation for college. I am aware of the similarities we share. Back then, I was marinated in the same mixed emotions. Today I share with you something personal before your minds go on vacation mode.

I was not born with a silver spoon. Every little thing I dreamed to be, I had to work hard for. OLPS holds a population of those memories, my values being well rooted in this institution. Prior to schooling, my home embedded these values, thanks to my mom and dad, then OLPS became an investment.

Things took a 360-degree turn in my Junior year. I was not, and I repeat, WAS NOT thrown into the pilot section, the cream of the crop as they say, icing on the cake for some. While I consoled myself saying, icing is fattening, it was hard enough to be categorized in such a way. A very inspiring letter from Mr. Jun Lorenzo my sophomore year adviser, a smile and a hug at the HS library from Mrs. Cruz, my 1st year adviser, comforting chats with Mrs. Myrna Fulgencio, Mrs. Gemma Palumpa and Mr. Francisco most of all, welcoming arms of parents when we got home… those got me, hands down. Winning isn’t always about who bags the biggest trophy or who wears the heaviest medal. Victory came on to me in a whole new light. Running 2nd in the race, I was humbled by experience.

My senior year was the most challenging though. Ms. Lorna de Guzman knew every tear that rolled down my cheeks when I was practically put through the hardest times as SCT coordinator. There were maybe 7-8 other clubs to supervise, a student body to organize and extra curricular activities like JUNIOR A-FACe, local church choir, catechism in public schools, jazz dancing, DUGSo under my favorite Tita Lolit Garcia, and a lot more to joggle with my 2 hands. Mrs. Barretto was forever supportive. She fueled my determination to pursue what I aspired to be. God works in mysterious ways. He kept me totally preoccupied until there was no room left for worrying. At the end of the year, I got the honors I wanted to bring home for my parents, and 13 other souvenirs. I refuse to call them my medals, only souvenirs.

I went to UP Diliman for college. Some expected that I will take up medicine. Others thought I would make a very good lawyer. Little did everyone else knew, I had a very strong passion for food. With my parents’ feet up, head rested, and full consent, I pursued a course in HRA. First day in the university and I had this instructor telling us “getting into UP is difficult. Staying in UP is even more difficult.” She was not joking. I crawled my way out of my math 17 and math 100. I failed and took my chemistry 16 twice. No joke. Nevertheless, I chose to enjoy what I was doing. I was even challenged to fill up the UP theater for a 3-day-GARY V concert, organize a movie premiere to refill the finances of my orgs. then in drought and hoped to do well in class. You see, it is not so much on where life takes you, but rather what YOU DO when life gets you there.

So did I end up working in a hotel? Am I now the next BIG thing in selling the city’s most expensive dining place? NO. My knowledge on food preparation is rusty in fact. The closest thing to practicing my course is perhaps eating and that concludes my career in the food industry. Family and friends consult me for anything food-related but I have another passion, traveling. I now work for IASA, a regional subsidiary of KLM ROYAL DUTCH AIRLINES, the flag carrier of the Netherlands. We handle the marine market for KLM in Asia and the Pacific. Colleagues sometimes ask if I’m contented calling myself “travel specialist.” “WHY NOT?” is a favorite reply. I was sent away once to man our office in the UK to cover the whole European market for a weekend. I was sent to train with colleagues in our HOU office only find out that we have more to share with respect to the system KLM has been using worldwide. The rest of the time I spend here or in other ASIAN countries which we cover. So you see, it will never be just about your job title but the responsibilities entrusted to you.

Sept. 2003, after my 26th bday, just when everything seemed to be roses and blooms, I was diagnosed with a cystic right ovary. It was different feeling bordering on the thought of losing one of my organs. Once again, I had to battle this condition with faith. The same faith nurtured and developed in this school. My dad was my pillar of strength, my mom, the epitome of undying faith. I gave God an ultimatum. TWO MONTHS. Why leave my condition to chance I said, when there is certainty that God makes anything possible? 1st week of December and I went to St. Luke’s on my own, and without even having to take a single pill or medication, the cyst was gone.

So here’s my two cents worth… Know what you want, and get it. At the end of the day, make sure you find time to take a short trip --- the distance between your knees and the floor. I LEARNED THAT HERE. Whatever God doesn’t give you right now, HE will replace with something MUCH BETTER. What other people cannot give you, He will provide. My mom and dad may not be the richest couple now in this city, let alone in our village, but didn’t I tell you they made a very good investment when I was 6 years old? The person standing in front of you is the product of that investment. This speech isn’t about me, but about those people in this institution who made me… ME.

Cherish those times when your school is little, you didn’t have to get lost; times when you had to sit through grueling hours of home economics, that you didn’t have to beg for the food that you put in your mouth; those times when your subjects were paid for by your parents and you didn’t have to line up at 5am just to lose a slot in a subject that’s mandatory to your course; those times when teachers are caring enough to tell you how to pass your subject than chase a professor who tosses class cards in the air to determine your grade. This is the world out there, a little scary perhaps. LAHAT NG BAGO NAKAKATAKOT SA UMPISA, pero HINDI LAHAT MAHIRAP HANGGANG SA HULI. Your faith will define who you will become.

11 years from now, one of you will take this stand and speak before another batch of OLPS’ finest. Make sure you take them to a refreshing trip down memory lane. It’s always good to be back HOME. Heads up graduates but keep feet flat on the ground and wherever they lead you, be sure to take OLPS with you.

From someone who’s been there, done that and back again, CONGRATULATIONS!

A Letter to the FLOoJEES (EDITED!)

2004-06-15T21:52:00.000+08:00

"BUILD IT and they will come.

When JAM 88.3 pioneered an interactive radio program by opening its doors to an official chatroom (msn messenger: jam88p3@hotmail.com) it was like opening a well-aged bottle of wine - a much too tempting invite to forego. Thus, they now have a special breed of ladies and gents forming a steady niche for that…. chatting. There's actually no word to perfectly envelope what they do. Chatting does sound too lame. It would not be fair to cut their credits short, for they actually are willing to do more, all For the LOve Of Jam. Hence the birth of the "FLOOJees." These people come from all walks of life and when you get to know them, it's quite amazing how they get along - individually, as the persons that they are, or as a clique, differences bridged and all. These are the no-holds-barred voices behind the chatroom with so much gusto to chat about any topic as soon as the the first "sunny-side up" is flipped, the "rick express" is rolled, the afternoon is refreshed and relaxed in "the lounge" under nice and easy "chill-sessions", road trips turned to "joy rides" even before dawn breaks as "the flight" takes off. Just a bit of warning though: These people party just as hard as they chat. NON-STOP. They provide good company after a long hard day's work; make you laugh with the crazy pranks they pull on each other; crash the station at their own will (with the best intentions, mind you!) like bring food, some grabs… and even just to hang out and keep their fave djs company during boardwork. As seemingly surprising as it may sound, they do look after each other too. Needless to say, there is more to them than what you actually see.

Even if there would be a thousand and one ways to describe how wine is aged, there seems to be endless of reasons to hobnob with these people. When you find just one good bottle that has a distinguishing taste of genuinely harvested grapes, laboured with love and all emotions possible -- you enjoy and savor it to the last drop. Likewise for this group. Only in this case, you always get a bottle FULL." --- (composed for the website JOICE initially developed for the group.)

15jun04
0945pm
my room

8 months. I never thought i would have to give up my title that soon. SHOP-aFLOOJic. However, I have my reasons which most of you are aware of and i appreciate you for respecting those reasons. Brief but well-spent. You know our friendship goes far and beyond JAM's events, let alone the title. You guys have been my touchstone for quite some time. My break from it all. Who would have thought i'd be first to break-free as well? I love you floojees. Podium. NYPD. The very 1st EB. This and the many succeeding EBs and get-togethers. The late night-outs...and the countless of pics taken (i've at least 3 cds to prove that!) I will forever keep the memories in my heart. Im keeping you with me for good. In memory and otherwise. No goodbyes...only SEE YOU SOON.

with Harry, Lana and Lambert

with Claudine, Penny and Louise (one-click away huh?)

Our once-and-never-again-badminton-stint

Halloween Party:Trick or JAM

Floojees (with Catt and PAM, my sistahs!) at the JAM station

With my other "faves"...LIV, Pam, Migs and Joice

With Lea, Catt, Louise and Pam at Myron's GLASS house...err... LAWN!

TODAY. A BEGINNING.

2004-06-15T17:27:00.000+08:00

Today i write the first lines.
Welcome to my blog.

Today i officially make "my space" yours as well. Take a peek and who knows?! Consider this the DAY YOU OPENED MY LETTERS. winks!

THIS IS IT. My LETTER ALBUM.

THEA PANES
thea.panes@iasasia.com
reese0909@yahoo.com
theagirl@hotmail.com

THE BLOGGER...one...two...TH..irty!

2004-06-15T17:01:00.000+08:00

the blogger....

THEA PANES
thea.panes@iasasia.com
reese0909@yahoo.com
theagirl@hotmail.com

As i approach to hit the age 30 (well in 2 years time!) here's a rundown of my top "30-whatevers."

MY 30 favorite eats:
1. Sisig (Oyster Bar-Rockwell and Dencio's)
2. Chuletitas de Cuchinillo (El Cirkulo)
3. Pesto (Cibo)
4. Torta Chocollata (Grappas)
5. Squash Soup (Cibo)
6. Herbed Chicken & Corned Beef Hash (Schwarzwaalder)
7. Mud Max and Crunchy Chocolate Cheesecake (Max Brenner)
8. Lava Cake and Dome (Global Cafe)
9. Strawberry Cheesecake (Italianni's)
10. Decadent Cake (Nothing But Homemade)
11. Cheeseburger (Hungry Hippo)
12. Amazing Glaze (Gonuts Donuts)
13. Carrot-Orange Shake (The Big Chill)
14. Chicken Mango Oriental Salad (Global Cafe)
15. Caramel Cake, Marshmallow Cake (Costa Brava)
16. Penne Arrabiata (Italianni's)
17. Black Risotto (Amoroma)
18. Salpicao (El Cirkulo)
19. Crispy Pata (90 Proof) with sisig rice!
20. Laing (Friends and Neighbors or Mommy Aida's)
21. Arroz Caldo (Paquito's)
22. Chicken Inasal (Chicken Bacolod)
23. White Chocolate Mousse (Gateau de Manille)
24. Prosciutto Ham Pizza (Amoroma)
25. Adobo Flakes (Via Mare)
26. Chicken Salpicao (90 Proof)
27. Spectacled Lemonade (Bubba Gump) and Rhumba (cream-based only) (Starbucks)
28. Chocnut Ice Cream (Uva)
29. Seabass Dish (Cafe Berrio/Discovery Suites)
30. GREEN TEA!

MY TOP 30 'WANNA-DOs':
1. I want to go to Capetown, Africa. or ASPEN!
2. Go to Cagayan. (AIMEE!!! promise?)
3. Go Kayaking. Yes, in Cagayan.
4. Eat and not get fat.
5. Get a boyfriend.
6. Shop at Neiman Marcus. Without limits.
7. Paul Walker. Yummy.
8. Go out of town. (right now!) 16/06/04 0928H
9. Laze around and bask under the sun (Phuket or Boracay will do)
10. Get a boyfriend.
11. Wear a 2-piece bathing suit that my eyes find sexiest.
12. Have the extra money to buy item 11, which i dont really need right now.
13. Get a cd player for mat, my horizon-blue lancer GLXI.
14. Get a full body massage as often as hmmm... every weekend?
15. Get a boyfriend.
16. Have that boyfriend rub my back.
17. Write another article that will astound everyone.
18. Take parents out of the country.
19. Do outreach programs with HANDS on MANILA. AGAIN.
20. Get a boyfriend.
21. Go to my OB. (had a cystic right ovary previously)
22. Meet someone from PERU.
23. Visit my HOME in Houston. AGAIN.
24. Take a month-long vacation. AGAIN.
25. Get a boyfriend.
26. SAY NO... and i mean N-O (when necessary).
27. Brush up on my French and Spanish.
28.PARK perfectly.
29. Get married.
30. Have kids.